Bork Slowly Borking

 Ares came to see me last night.  It's been a while. I thought I had seen the last of him. His visits fewer and further between. But he visited me last night. And gave me one of his big hugs. I was very glad to see him. People in my dream questioned how it could be him. It couldn't be. It's him. Don't question it. Don't sit and negatively explain why it isnt, and can't and everything else whilst he sits on my lap and gives me a hug. Don't question it. Just be happy. I was maximum protective. He does this I said. He now comes and goes. Not here very often. But sometimes comes back to visit. Happy. And healthy. Same old Ares. But also. Not. More conscious somehow. And in a pinch. Able to talk, in a simple way. At one point I asked if he knew where he was, when he was. He said he didn't, but he could, but he would rather not. It was simpler than that. I can't remember the exact words. After a while, I woke up. Happy I had seen him. Followed by loss and

 The foot remains buggered. Up til now I've just got on and dealt with it. But as of today. It's beginning to really erode my mental health ( as if I need another one of those weights ). I am sick of hobbling around and being able to do fuck all. Not as if I do a whole lot anyway, but as it turns out, when you are forced to sit on your ass, you realise how much you were doing. It's just extreme "fed up-ness" with it at the moment. But it is twitching into one of those depressive things too. On steeling myself to get up, go pee, face the pain, do nothing, I reflected once again what the fuck I was doing. I am not enjoying life. It's just more fucking weight and headwinds, struggle on, to do what ? Do the same the next day ? To what end ? ? Seriously ? Fuck the foot. Just. Really. Fucking put a bullet in my head. So. My fucky foot has now become A Problem. Just one of many Problems in the Problem Bag. The docs, bless their hearts, have not got back to me. At all

 Begrudgingly I am back to work today. Of course, I could do without it. But. Meh. My notion of doing a good job has bugged me to pick up the stress ball again. As it turns out in the 3 weeks I have been off, not much has happened. And a few things have fallen apart. Everything in stasis awaiting my return. It's disappointing that the entire team seems incapable of solving shit unless I am there. I thought we were getting beyond that. Apparently not. And as I've dug a little bit around, the mistakes and missteps accumulate. It is like a never ending avalanche of mediocrity at best, and absolute horseshit at worst. Perhaps it's me. Grumpy. Too old for this shit. Expectations too high. But I know it's not. The quality of code I am used to has deteriorated in the last 20 years. Slowly getting worse. Slowly forgetting why we do this, or that. Or just general optimisations. It seems a bulk of younger devs just "don't get it". Too tied up in the whizzbangs of th

 Making dinner the other day turned out to be a mistake. Limping around using my foot in a funny way whilst cooking has ended up damaging the rest of my foot in an excruciatingly painful way. And the gout has got worse again. The net result of which is, I can't use my foot at all anymore. At all, at all. Screamingly bad pain if I put weight on it. I have had to resort to crawling around the house and up and down stairs and limiting my movement as much as possible. As an aging old fart, crawling around on all fours is also not a great experience - everything hurts - but, it's better than the screaming pain of the foot. Everything else - trying to compensate - is now also lining up behind the damaged foot to also be a contender for "oh you've gone and broken this now". Marvellous. When I'm in bed, foot up it's mostly ok. But after a few hours it starts to throb and every tiny movement is painful. It gets too bloated I think. Monday was supposed to be an an

 The days go past, Athena is in a routine, no major changes, still lame, still buggered, but we're making it work. At the rate of painkillers she is on, they, if nothing else, will eventually do her in. It is what it is. Comfortable as she can be in the twilight of her days. Today she took herself off for a very gentle stroll and sniff along my street. Made it to the top of the road just about before coming home. Either me or Hazel just tend to let her wander out the front, no lead, no collar, just letting her slowly sniff around. She's not running anywhere. Or even walking very fast. Slow and gentle old girl having a sniff about. She seems to appreciate it. Still getting bored though. The mind is still working. The body has failed. We are ok. A new normal. Twilight. Melancholy. But still appreciating every day we get. Bitter sweet. I have been in a lot of pain this week. Finally the gout is starting to ease up as of this evening. It has been bad. And so have all my other pains

 Athena is still here. Stay of execution. In the week run up to the crunch date of Monday I flip flopped between, we are going to fight this, she is fighting, to, she is done, I have to let her go. Her condition would vary day to day, hour to hour, sometimes better, sometimes worse. There is nothing like a little hope to truly slam home hopelessness on that flip of the coin. Because it doesn't let you progress with closure. Always stuck on that edge of indecision. In my more calmer moments, I fully accept that Athena has to go at some point. For all that I rail against it, I can't do shit about it. And. I get it. And I am "ok" with that. But this is only in my more calm moments. In my less peak calm moments. I don't accept it at all. Fuck you. Fuck life. Fuck science for not having solved this. Fuck evolution to setup this cruel bullshit. Fuck people who say it's natural. Poor eyesight is natural. We do something about that. Heart disease is natural. We do som

Grim. You are warned reader. My path is not one of light. And even second hand I fear it is corrosive.  Such are the ways of the deep abyss. The true hellish roads. This is me scrawling into the void. Thoughts out. My cries of anguish. And pondering the descent. Not fit for consumption. Perhaps you have your fireproof misery proof pants on however. Enough warnings. Turn around. Or go on. Your choice.     Follow up appointment with docs today. He went over the results in very simple terms. As it turned out I already knew what he had to say and more. It felt like a bit of a waste of time in all honesty. The upshot of all of it is, he's going to send me a recommendation of supplements, possibly pills, possibly injections, and also we're going to do further tests on some part of my gastro. It turns out from those results that it looks like instead of absorbing B12, it's getting turned into acid instead. Critically low B12. High acid. Both the product of the same enzymatic proc

 Caught up with Andy yesterday. Had a chat about where I was. How things were going. Just to reassure him I hadn't dropped off the planet quite yet. We also talked about work. It was a good conversation. Andy is in a lot better of a place since we've taken on the extra headcount and he has pushed some responsibilities out. Athena improves very very slightly every day. But quickly tires out. 2 minutes of padding around is enough to start her wobbling and stumbling. Her tenacity is increasing by leaps and bounds. Refusing to give up and take it lying down. Her body however has worn out. All of a sudden. I don't know what to make of it. At this point. I am inclined to say, I will not lose her come Monday. I don't think I am ready to give up on her yet - just because she's fighting so hard. It is probably a fools game. I don't want her to suffer. But I cannot deny that she's making the most of what she's got. I don't know. I will talk to the vet on Monda

 Athena's condition remains pretty much the same. Somedays she is a bit better. Somedays a bit worse. I talked with Hazel about it. The result is still the same. She is living her last two weeks. And it's as comfortable as we can make it for her. It is very hard though because she is fighting every step of the way. She has not collapsed and given up. She wants to get up. And see what's going on. And ask you for food. She hobbles around and tires herself out. But refuses to lie down. I think at times when her meds wane a little she cannot quite get comfortable enough to sleep. Eventually the painkillers kick in. And she sleeps. Today I lied down with her in the dark and quiet front bedroom. Waiting for her to relax and sleep. She kept shifting in tiny ways. Constantly looking around. And I was thrown back to a forgotten memory. Of when she was the smallest pup. And she would not sleep on her own. She used to cry the house down for an hour. Too much. In the end I would go dow

 I've avoided work this week. Taken time off. To help with anxiety. Work has been a constant stream of ineptitude code release wise, panics, bugs and meh. At best it's just full on, at worst it's stressy and anxiety inducing. I have enough on my plate as it is. I figured getting rid of work for a while would help. And it has done so. I am calmer, less emotional, I can't decide if I am coming to terms with Athena, or, the mental meds have me now in a strong calming grip, or ditching work for a while has helped me out a little. I find the idea that I could adult that hard and come to terms with Athena unlikely. And more likely the meds are doing a bang up job of smoothing out the dips. But. I don't know. Perhaps having a plan. Is helping ? I. Have no clue. Athena has not improved. Well. Kinda. The last couple of days she has been restless. Rambunctious. Legs not working. Slipping, sliding, wobbling, doing the splits, a bad limp. Weird tics. But she refuses to rest. Wa

 Didn't really sleep. Went to the vets feeling very ill and sick. Vague nods towards passing out, but, I kept it under control. We have a probable diagnosis. Not a dodgy front right leg at all. Neck. Either, a slipped disc, or, a tumour on the nerve. Either way, lots of pain down the right leg - nerve pain. The prognosis, as feared, is very bad. On the small offchance side. It heals on its own over time. Lots of painkillers. Maximum painkillers. Everything you can throw at her. All other concerns are out of the window. Just. Maximum painkillers. You do major surgery. Go in through the neck. Sort the disc out - if its a disc. But first you need to make sure its not a tumour. Athena would likely not survive this surgery. And even if she did. Her lifespan would be very short. Tumour on the nerve. Terminal. So. Small chance it heals on its own. Otherwise. Terminal. And terminal. We are already there really. But. We are giving a little more time to see if it heals on its own with lots o

 Athena is no better. Vet tomorrow. A bunch of questions. Librella shot. It cannot go on. She is a fighter. But. She struggles to walk at all. Sometimes she just collapses. She is at best subdued. She's in pain. I do not want to give up on her. I do not want her to suffer. So very hard. Talking to the vet tomorrow is going to be critical I think. It will help me come to a decision. To keep trying. Or let her go. We are in something of a routine everyday at the moment. I carry her up and down stairs a few times a day. Carry her to the kitchen. She stumbles and goes for a wee. Comes back. Has a drink. Painkillers. Lunch. Sleeps downstairs with Hazel. In the evening it reverses. I am sick with anxiety. Depressed to my boots. Barely functional. I do what I need to do. And elsewhere I do what I can when I can. Hazel is being really good being a nurse maid to Athena. Giving her all her meds and dinner and watching over her. She's doing the bulk of the care. Mostly it's just sitti