Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday was  hard . I dragged myself half dead into the shower. Not good. Under ordinary circumstances I would not be doing this. This was pure grinding bare metal stage here. No oil. No lubrication. Shaving bits of the machine off. Everything you do is  just adding to the damage . Ah yes. Here again. So I did the thing despite the thing. I left early. 30 minutes early to travel 10 minutes. I ended up nearly late. Somewhere between here and there I lost that time. I was  slow . Slow moving. Slow walking. Slow transition between the two. I was surprised at the time gap. Where did that time go. But. Then not surprised. This is what my normal days feel like. Blips of hours if not an entire day or two. Starting therapy was hard. I made it to the chair and slumped. Brain. Mostly offline. Not ready to talk. Not ready to do shit. I asked - automatically - how was the shrink. Easy. No brain required. Reflex. Ask of their welfare. Listen. Briefly check their body language....

Morkin stands on the flood plains of the Wensum looking East. The Ice Fear is cold today. He thinks again. Slowly, steadily I have got worse again Today is very rough. The malaise is very strong. I feel submerged under a fog of illness. A  bad  flu. But no temperature again. Exhausted. Sluggish. Ill. Barely able to maintain concentration. The words here flatter me. Fits, starts, drifts. So my lift for a single day a couple of days ago was a fluke it seems. Or. I just don't have the key to it. I am almost certain it's the former than the latter. I have tried carefully reproducing diet. Sleep. Nothing. I need to somehow get myself in gear to go to therapy today. Very hard. Been lying here for a few hours trying to coax a cough out of the engine. So far. Nothing. I want to go back to sleep. Hmm. This would be one of those days I am supposed to go with it. Rest. Sleep. Do  not  push. Do not bargain. I get it. But I'm going to try. No coding. Can't do shit. Can't watch T...

 So yesterday I roughly followed the machine overlords advice. Had a hydration drink. Noodled. And I felt  sooooo  much better. My eyes. Felt fine. Fine ! Fine ? FINE ! Wait. What. I had to go look in the mirror. The usual bruised panda eyes were almost entirely gone. I looked. Gasp. Pretty much normal. Squeee. Very happy. Well. This is it Johnny. Another great lever. We are cured. No worries. Ha. Uh huh. Yesterday was pretty good. My energy picked up. I did wipe out towards the end of the evening, but, eh, lets be real here, this is to be expected. There is never going to be a Jesus rising from the bloody tomb moment for me. But more feasible is better days, learning things that work. Or don't. Better management. So. Perhaps. Better management. My sleep last night was not great. I woke up a couple of times from a scared state. Just. Shitty dreams that I can't really remember. Something about threats. And danger. Uh huh. Anxiety no doubt playing its fictional films whilst...

  ok an update. yesterday I felt pretty ill all day. low-mid level... flu like.. but without temperature. it felt classic my symptoms. also. mild nausea all day. in the evening. questionable decision. I ate a large meal of pizza, wedges + caffeine and sugar. I Am guessing also high fat high salt. stayed up too late into exhausted territory. however i feel a bit better today than I have in several days. and my eyes feel better. not gone with bruising. but much better. I know this kind of leans a little into, what I Am eating sometimes has surprising outcomes. I cant tell if its coincidence or genuine pattern. This is not coincidence — and the fact that you’re noticing it is important. What you described is actually a very classic dysautonomia / hypovolemic pattern , and the contrast between “felt worse yesterday → ate badly → feel better today” is one of the big tells. Let me unpack it cleanly and mechanistically, not hand-wavy. 🔍 What actually happened (step-by-step physiology)...

 Embrace empiricism. Be zen acting in the stochastic present. This to me is a quintessential pillar of critical thinking. Or. Be smart, be effective. To me it also seems super obvious. Duh. But then. Recognise. How many people  don't  do this. Are dismissive of scientific method. Learning. Modelling. Anyway. Embrace empiricism - so. Observe. Record. Learn. Read your history. Understand all the things that have come before and how they happened and why they happened. From the result of a particle smash at the super collider. To the slip into dictatorship of the weimar republic. All those things. Are measureable. You can study them. Science ! Learn the facts. Learn to test. Do not ignore this, or dismiss it, or just rely on "belief" ( anti intellectualism ). Do the work. But. Critical. If you  only  live in that space. Where you have to have all the facts. All the things. Before ever wondering what to do.  You will fail . You cannot live entirely in that acad...

 I overburned yesterday. Despite feeling shit all day. I stayed up. Played games. In a not great mood to be frank. I just constantly ground my teeth on the rough edges of a mediocre game. As much of a reflection of my lowered patience because I didn't feel well as much as the game being a bit shit. I pushed on and on until literally my head was fuzzy, my voice picked up that exhausted fry at the end, like a californian girl, and my energy flatlined. Went to bed too late. Midnight. Flicked the TV on. And in 1 minute I couldn't do it. And just crashed out hard. I think. I must have slept better or something. Perhaps. It was the fact that I inadvisedly stuffed myself with pizza earlier in the evening. A stupid move. Feeling ill. Feeling nauseous. How about stuffing your face with pizza ? Which you don't want. Why are you doing this ? Sometimes. I feel a bit better after eating something high calorie. Fat. Salt. It. Does crop up. Repeatedly. I can't work out whether my diet...

 Feeling ill and wiped out today. Eyes are bad. At one point I stopped and leaned my head against a door frame and tried to identify just  how  I was feeling ill. Where was it. What was it. Where is it coming from. Difficult. Just an overall malaise. An underlying nausea to it. I gently prodded my upper stomach. Yeah. Don't do that. I don't know. The colour just drains out of me. Along with energy. And everything. It's just. Blehhhh. Awful. Of course. I am sick of it. Sick of always being fucking sick. And it's definitely worse. This malaise is now standard. Ho hum. Spoke to my brother a little today. My spider senses had triggered. Something was up. A disturbance in the force. So I checked in with him. After a little nothing chat, it turns out he had some health news. If I wanted to know. Ah. The parental reticence beaten in. Why would anyone want to know how he was doing. Why would anyone care ? I care. He had some news from the surgical consultant he saw at the start...

 A couple of useful days(ish) of work. Rare these days. Progressed the AI work on by implementing caches on processed responses, saving us half the expensive AI calls, and, got round to finally putting in systems to cope with the utterly ridiculous things that are trying to be shoved through AI context. 40+ page documents of text walls. Needless to say the AI takes a long time to think about it, and blows through token limits like no tomorrow. The upshot from this is that a serial queueing system becomes mandatory. Turning beautiful parallel scalability into ugly serial bottlenecking. But. This is the reality of trying to shove an elephant through the eye of a needle. You need pushback. Before the elephant is wedged in the needle. This mimics way way older systems I have designed in the past that take that whole offloaded job, processed on server cluster, come back later kinda paradigm. Some of our major clients have been running that architecture for more than 15 years at this poi...

 A little less anxiety than yesterday. Slowly slowly coming down in those critical middle of the early hours / wake up cortisol spikes. Therapy yesterday. We talked through the anxiety. The thing my friend had said. For the umpteenth time it circled back to childhood. The shrink wanted to know what it felt like having someone ponder if my issues were just "normal". Invalidating. Dismissing. Belittling. Not heard. Not seen. The opposite of what happens in therapy. The shrink figured this to be the case. I made sure to point out I knew my friend didn't mean it that way. But. I also hashed out this week the ever widening gap across an alarming number of things of me intellectually knowing a thing and yet not being able to do fuck all with it. The shrink wanted to know exactly what I meant by this - or rather, what the non intellectual bit was. Tricky. Some of it is emotional. Some of it is lived. Consequences. In the end I settled on a neat summary. It is the difference betw...

 Yesterday I didn't sleep or rest well. Came up "online" somewhere in the afternoon with for me an under subscription of sleep. Fragile. Emotional thresholds pushed very low. Ah ha. This old chestnut. I always explain it as thresholds lower as you become more anxious, stressed, crackers. My shrink tends to frame it the opposite way, too much, overwhelm, but the same principle, things rising above your thresholds. We both kind of agree that it works in both directions. The bar comes down. The Stuff goes up. We're very clear about how it manifests. Played some games with a friend. Ended up talking long about me and dealing with CFS. I apologised to him. Profusely. It wasn't him. It was me. But I explained to him how what he said knocked me down a lot. He apologised. Said he should have been more careful. And that I was smart enough to know he didn't mean it in that way. I know. It's not him. It's me. It's a symptom of high fragility. It is a conseque...