Bork Slowly Borking

 The cough, never truly gone, has returned with some force. Liquid in the bottom of my lungs. Uh huh. Tired. Phase in. Phase out. Last night I was pulled from sleep in a, at this point, not uncommon event of "feeling like shit". Hardcore dizzy. Left arm.. dead. Lungs full of liquid. I rolled over. If it's gonna kill me get on with it. Otherwise I will see you tomorrow. Ha. Today I have completed a bunch of work which has taken an epic amount of effort to kick out the door. A never ending thread pull of finding shit that needed to be done to cross the finishing line. Just, one of those things in a system that was a long way from where it should be functionality wise. Glad its out of the door. It was cool. But yeah. Started to be soul destroying. Chatted to Andy today with a catchup. He seemed in good spirits. Happy that I was... happy.. with work. Or at least not actively formenting revolution. Peace has returned. And to be honest I welcome a sense of normality returning. ...

 Feeling not terrible today. Huzzah. I have been reflecting this morning, that the last few weeks have been... unintentionally, unplanned, quite full on. From one drama to the next. From one serious event to another. Some of them don't make it to this blog. Many do. Some heavy shit all round. And perhaps more to the point, not just focused in one area, with one person. No no. All round. Different people. Different situations. Unconnected. But. All seeming to come to a point where they at least need some.. care and attention, if not outright full blown Sorting Shit Out. Hmm. Where, you might ask, is my rest. I don't know. But soon ! April. Take April off. Do nothing. Sit on ass. I am going to try quite hard to NOT full the time with... actually being busy doing other shit. Properly. Sit. And do. Nothing. I pretty much expect I will fail. But I'm gonna try. And see what results it has. Experimentation ! This evening, if I can not flake out energy level wise, I am gonna talk t...

Another sensitive subject for today. Oh, and having written this, jesus this waffles on. This is me, just, re-iterating and sorting through things in my head. If it makes no sense or drones on, sorry about that. Which raises a point about this blog. This blog, is, first and foremost, a cathartic writing down of whatever shit is in my head at the moment. Go ask a shrink. They recommend doing this stuff. They say something about the putting it into words, getting it out there changes it, makes it go through different bits of your brain, kicks it out of the door, and yada blah etc. Are they right ? Like a lot of things in this arena, if you hold your breath waiting for absolute 100% scientific repeatability... you're gonna asphyxiate. Then again, even for somethings that lie fully within the scientific sphere of influence, experiments are notoriously wonky. I can remember the rule of thumb in physics being, yeah, if will often fail, but uhh, honestly, it should do X. We were encourage...

 Did all the things yesterday. Was. Ehhh. Mostly ok. Went for a walk with "all the girls" ( Poppy, Athena, Hazel ) through the woods, was nice, bumped into a lot of other pooches. Athena found a big mastiff type and they kinda of riffed off each other. Oh. You're kinda like me. A bit. Wanna box ? So they rough housed - gently - with each other. Athena is an old girl but still game. Athena has a thing for cigarettes. Pause. Yeah. I don't know why. But for the longest time she has always ferreted out discarded butts.. and then promptly eaten them. Usually with howls at her to stop that, drop it, don't eat it. Which works 50% of the time. She does have very good drop skills - you can get her to drop something if you tell her properly. But cigarette butts. Ohhhh. There's a challenge. She even ate a friends half pouch of tobacco once. Gobbled. Secretly. We only found out later when he went to make a roll up and had an empty spittle covered tobacco pouch. I can only...

 Friday. Ooh. Ahh. Unff. Yeah ! Feeling a little worse for wear today, but, on the whole, I'm alright. So yay for that. I'm actually doing some work today. Voluntarily. To get shit done. This is me being a conscientious professional. Yeah yeah. Work life balance. Being taken advantage of. Not resting. This is 100% my call, and something I felt needed to be done. Let's get this shit done. That's part of who I am. We get shit done. And this is ok. I am a grown up. The comments from my friend rattle around in my brain. I'll be honest some inner part of me burns like a super hot white flame at the fucking outrage of it all. Fuck you. And the horse you rode into town on. Some friends who know both of us had things to say. Brutal. But not about my behaviour. There was one wise thread that came up however. I was told I was the better person here. "Better". Or putting it another way they said I understood the waters I swam in. He did not. Out of his depth. Struggl...

What a faboo day. So my previously radio silent friend turned up today. Just back from America. And we had a huge brutal argument. A first. And the last. All the shit that had been sitting there since the start of the year came out. Talked about. And it was ugly. I honestly didn't intend it to get ugly, but, I found what he was saying to be... outrageously mehhh. I wont go into the super ins and outs. Some highlights - he categorically denied that he had "fucked my life about". I was told that it hadn't fucked me about. Told. In no uncertain terms. How dare I say it had fucked with me. Apparently he gets to decide that, not me. What. The. Fuck. You don't get to decide what has fucked with me. I'm sorry but that fucked with me. Mentally. Practically. Professionally. Existentially. Take. Your. Fucking. Pick. As a recap, I will list the emotions ( on the emotional side of this pile of shit ) I said it engendered back in January - "Disappointed. Betrayed. Ang...

I'm in an expansive mood today. One of those moods where my consciousness expands out to encompass everyone and everything and I come up with plans to fix everything. Heh. I know. Fucked in the head. Amirite. I'm wavering on the edge of being pretty ill, but I'm not quite. On a hair trigger. I am trying - very hard - not to set it off, or do anything to plunge me into bullshit. Be zen. Breathe. Listen to the heartbeat of the world. See. Expansive mood. Example. The world has got worse. This is not my opinion. This is me observing the common refrain of the youngers. The planet is on fire. The rich get fatter. The poor suffer harder. People are living on the edge of being without a home, a job, a purpose. Politics are ever more corrupt, rationality further away, and everything is going to shit. I don't disagree. It's pretty crap. There is a hopelessness about the modern world. I saw someone comment that "it felt like since the year 2000, everything was stretched ...