Bork Slowly Borking

 Athena is up. I am down. Athena has a bit more spring to her step lately. The anti arthritic seems to be doing its job. It's not a dramatic change, but there's a noticeable difference. Today she broke into a couple of half decent runs whilst on a walk, and, in general, she has a little more of her old sass about her. For me, today has not been good. Woke up with a migraine. Slept it off. Went for a walk. Then, as Hazel needed a shop, we went to the supermarket. Which proved to be too much. I exhausted. Half way through I flagged. I ached. Pain flared. My back ached and took my breath away. A migraine shot across my head. My dizziness increased and the world started to bend. My perceptions of stuff started to alter, the lights too bright, everything slightly shifting, and an increasing sense of everything going out of kilter. I gritted my teeth. Hunched over the trolley. And everything faded away. Just me. And the trolley. And my breathing. In. Out. Pain. Dizzy. In. Out. Pain. ...

 Another bouncy day. Woke up from the depths of a deep and cloying sleep. Felt like shit. My left hand was dead. I struggled to do some work, but my brain was encased in fog. Couldn't concentrate. And a headache skated in. I gave up. And went back to sleep. And dreamed awful things. I dreamed I told Hazel my chest was hurting and she just told me to shut up. Sick of hearing it. Was not a good feeling. Like no one cared anymore. Isolated. Then I .. think... I dreamed I had some kind of heart attack. It hurt. Like an ass. Left side. It followed through my dreams. Hurt. I am going to be positive and say it was a dream, and not an actual reflection of pain going on that then filtered into my dreams. Which has also happened in the past. I also dreamed odd things. A walk with Athena and Ares. Ares was there. Hello old friend. We walked by the water, Athena splashed and rolled, Ares a bit more subdued. At one point the water turned into a canal, and Athena jumped in and walked along the b...

 Boing, boing, boing. Both my physical health and mental health have been pinging up and down pretty badly. At points ok. At other points very not ok. All within a 24 hour time frame. I'm definitely losing my marbles. There are times when my thoughts just skitter out madly in a mild form of the manic spiral clusterfucks I have briefly had in the past. It's pure crazy. No sense. Frightening. Irrational. So very sad. Paranoid. All blipping around. Very hard to get across. And then I surface. And potter about. Unhappily. Fuckily. But I am not nuts. My physical health is super not helping my mentals. Each bad blip gives me a real mental challenge to keep on top of. Most of the time it just pulls my mental state way down. I feel like I am in a near permanent state of circling the drain. But there are some small positive signs. Feeling a tiny bit brighter in places. Doing a few things. I do need to get out and go swimming again. And I am resolved to doing some low impact exercises to...

Long covid ( and CFS ) suspected to be neurological autoimmune in origin. Cortico steroids a suggested litmus test to see if it helps short term which would indicate and autoimmune issue. Complicated by pockets of virus sticking around for long term and causing long term issues. Neurological issues said to be causing exhaustion, PEM, heart palpitations, brain fog et al.   https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/long-covid-now-looks-like-a-neurological-disease-helping-doctors-to-focus-treatments/?utm_source=pocket-newtab-global-en-GB

 Today has been a mixed bag. And so odd. And so very, post 2020 Bork. Post covid Bork. My ear has continued to screech. It's been really bad lately. Not sure if that means anything. But anywho. I'm still very off. Since the migraine. Off. Dizzy head. Serious flare ups in all my other usual shit. Wax and wane. I dunno. Today I roused myself to finally make the stew I have been plotting for sometime. I did a good job of the meat and pre frying and chopping. And I didn't immediately flake out. Nor reduce to a pile of wobbling arms and legs. Hmm. Ok. So I felt a little better. But the time I slammed it in the oven however, I was done. Exhausted. But that was ok. I was done. And it wasn't a wipe out. The pull of exhaustion settled into my bones and the hours flew past. Despite not feeling amazing, I roused myself to go cut up a piece of mesh shelving that had been sitting in my living room for a week. A few simple cuts. Easy. 10 minutes of work. "Easy". This is pre...

 I spend a chunk of my time these days daydreaming. Not doing. But daydreaming about doing. Because, it's often all I can manage. And daydreaming about it makes me feel a bit better. I am well aware of the gap between dreaming and reality, but I am very ok with this. It's just like telling myself nice stories. And. If on the offchance I get a burst of energy, I might actually carry through. Last night I made a plan for today. Get up. Do some groceries. Make a chicken stew. Put some potatoes on. Easy. Good. Today, that feels like a steep hill to climb. My system teeters on whether to collapse or to trickle on. No energy. A mild headache wanders around the front of my head. My ear screeches. Vague nausea depresses everything . Makes me feel ill. Queasy. Off. Dizziness comes and goes if I move too fast. My body feels like it has been run over and drained of all its blood. A deflated beachball. Pffffllllbt. I came up with a new approach last night. I am going to try and focus on th...

 Yesterday was migraine hangover day. I stuffed myself with low level painkillers and took it easy. Had a walk around the park with Athena. Had some lunch. I've had worse. But I felt ill. Again. That oh so extremely familiar always there ill. Now ramped up. Always centered around the left hand side of my torso. Like a low level radiating aura of illness which waxes and wanes in intensity. At times in the past few years, it feels like I am carrying around a lump of plutonium that is sucking the life out of me on the left hand side. When it's behaving itself, I can feel, bearably ill. When it's not, it wipes me out. The migraine has wiped me out. One small silver lining from all of this. This week has given me a real good "radar ping" on what ails me and how if affects me. It's really apparent that I get wiped out, that it's all weirdly left side originating, and that the difference between bad, and bearable is enormous. There's something really fucky wi...