Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday I was up early. "Up". I dozed for a bit then just decided to wake up and stay up. I pinged my friend at a sensible time that I was up. He hovered fussing over me in discord for the next hour. Chatting. Making me laugh. I know what he was doing. Keeping my spirits up. I appreciated it. Just one of the many shittier aspects of me. I see you coming. I know what you're doing. I see the meta spinning out overhead. It's that whole, seeing the dude behind the curtain pretending to be Oz. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it. So much. I love people for doing stuff and giving a shit. If anything, it is the clockwork analyser in me that always skates on the fabric of the matrix, rather than smelling the actual goddamn flower that makes me harder to reach at times. If that makes sense. It's complicated. I don't like that I can do it. That it's involuntary. Shitty fucking super hyped up analyser and breaker down into its underlying parts. Trained over 40...

 Yesterday was a tiny bit better. Didn't sleep much, which, ironically is a good thing. Also a bad thing. As a result one bunch of problems get a bit better, whilst one bunch of problems get a bit worse. Got up nicely in time for Athenas vet appointment. No rush. Took it slow and easy. And off we pootled. Noted to the vet that Athena had been struggling more. As a result our next appointment will be with a vet proper instead of the nurse checkover. Afterwards we went for a gentle walk around Piling Park as we did last month. Because that was quite nice. It also meant that I had to rouse myself one less time to take Athena out. Athena perked up a little as we walked about. She stumbles and trips somewhat regularly now, but, at one point she broke out into a bit of a gentle run. At home, I mopped the kitchen floor again - this absolutely exhausted me. I can't do shit. Very worrying. And then I slept for four hours or so, went down deep, groggy, foggy. Woke up in no fit state. Tur...

 Still alive. Mostly asleep. Sleep is diabolical. I'm permanently groggy / woozy at this point. If you were a worried person, there are worrying details. Left arm keeps going cold. Blips in my chest. Eh meh. Spoke to my nephew a little today, he's been trying to get through for days. He was alarmed at my state. Sure. But. It's alright. Is what it is. We talked a bit about his new computer. He reckons he's going to build a new one bit by bit - he's just bought himself a "new" one. Now he seems somewhat keen on building another one, piece by piece. Other than that. Nothing to report. Athena is frail. She has often stopped hopping out the back door flap and pees on the kitchen floor next to the door. I've cleaned it up a few times. And got into a routine when I am awake of opening the back door and nudging her out there. She has a shot tomorrow. So perhaps her shot has worn off early this month. Maybe. Part of me is highly concerned about my state. I seem...

 Still here. Not entirely sure how. Rough is not a good enough word for it. I scraped the bottom hard. It just so happens in the last couple of weeks I have stumbled over accounts of people nearly dying. Or those caring for others that die. One of them was an account from a doctor - usually on the other end of treatment - and her experience with basically dying. Losing 150% of her blood. The technical insights she had. The interesting realisations. It was fascinating because she understood every step along the way of where she was, because, as someone who was dealing with people in that same situation, she had an acute idea of how close they were to death. And the steps you would take. The escalations. The signs. And she saw it all, from the other side. And at the end had that final realisation as things became fuzzy, that this was death felt like, where everything started to shut down. And the thing that comes across to me is how messy that line is. How loose and variable. How it ...

 I can barely write this today. My head is behind a wall of fog. I am exhausted. Worst its been. Shaky legs. Tremors. Over some hours, tidied a little. Cleaned a little. Impossible. For the arrival of the new washing machine. It feels hilariously stupid. A new washing machine. Whilst I die on my ass. I slumped on a chair whilst they did their thing. Dead. Its done now. In and out. I can flop back into I dont know what. Super rough. I wonder if I pull out of this one. Is bad.

Hard day today. Struggled. I think a strong dose of reality kicked in and has made me aware in no uncertain terms that yeah, you're still really fucking ill, and that time is ticking. So today took the car off to the MOT. Took Athena with me and we walked back home. A 20 minute walk at most. Athena struggled with it. She was slow. And slightly unsteady. To be honest we don't walk in urban places anymore, only green spaces. She has slowed down a lot. Just in these last couple of weeks. I had already clocked that she was showing her age more and a bit more frail. But today was a stark demonstration of that. I fear her time is short. Which. Is to be expected. Of course. I know. I don't like it. It is how it is. But we shall see. Always there is the ebb and flow. Rise and fall. Where we are in that cycle I do not know. If Athena struggled. Then so did I. The walk home was relatively ok for me. Got back, got to work. The release didn't happen. Pushed back again until "n...

 Random observation for December in a passing conversation. Suction cup dildos have excellent utility in getting dents out of car doors. Stick em on. Tug on rubber phallus. Pop, out comes the dent. Stick on dildos are also vastly more common than car door repair tools. Few people will go to the trouble of investing in a tool with a singular purpose of removing a dent in bodywork. Many people will go to the expense of getting themselves a suction cup dildo however. It therefore stands to reason that dented car doors stand a higher chance of getting fixed by dildo than mechanic. You could also argue that this only increases the worth of a suction cup dildo because of its impressive real world utility.  The only reason I bought one my love, is in case the car needs repairing. And absolutely not to shove up my ass in the shower. I don't make up the answers. I'm just reporting the factual data. *spots sticky on dildo*. Ah ha. I see you're something of a car mechanic yourself.