Bork Slowly Borking

Docs today. And. Predictably. My right foot has gone yet again. Fourth time in a row. Fucked. So I went to the docs on a crutch - the pains not yet fully kicked in. Doc was good, business like, a bit brusque, but took shit seriously. In a welcome move my local GP has started advocating for having a single doc that you can keep up a regular routine with because, and get this - consistency is important. No fucking shit. I don't think this has been lost on any patient, it's just taken a very long while for the GPs to stop pissing about and treating people like a queue at the deli counter. Nevertheless. This is good. So the doc said I should have a regular doc for this. I absolutely agree. So today I brought up my shitty eyes, and everything that goes dead. Perhaps they are related ( circulation ). Perhaps not. But it's a process. And I have to get the GP to where I am. Which means we need a bunch of stupid tests and some possibly stupid first steps. He looked at my eyes said I...

 Massive downturn in wellness. Symptoms have flared, feet swollen, pains everywhere, feel awful. Ok. Perhaps this is just the usual symptom shift, screw turning, yada. However. Suspicious. Yesterday I had a change of diet. After 4 or so days of eating by and large the same thing - chicken, rice, vegetables, apple, banana, I changed what I was eating. Cereals, bread rolls, chicken burgers. Perhaps it's just a coincidence. On the other hand. A little light bulb has gone on. Most of my current symptoms could well be a massive inflammation spike. It's not beyond reason it might be a systemic allergic reaction. Everything swells up, pains, feel like shit. This is not exactly the first time this connection has been made - before I got seriously ill I said that I had chased away all over pains and feeling like an old man by adopting a low carb diet, of which the major upshot of that was eliminating bread. From that point on I have had a suspicion around bread, stopped eating mass p...

 A better day again. No anxiety. The varying symptoms and bullshit are low key for a change. A certain kind of - numb - calm pervades. The house is empty. But. I am getting used to it. But I am hollow. I am not depressed. My mental state has rebounded back to somewhere above the insanity line - I've stopped the mental meds again. But I am hollow. It is a strange kind of numbness. I am not in the moment terribly sad. Terribly lost. I keep it at bay. I do not indulge it. I stay away from the depths. But at the same time, there is nothing there inside me. And if you dig. There is that sadness and despair there so deep it's gone off the end of the scale and wandered into white noise. Like a set of scales maybe tipped too far one way, fallen off, and now there are no scales. I don't know. Part of me really wants the joy of another dog, a boxer, or two, or three, or many. But another part me does not, knows I cannot look after them, and, really, would not be Athena. Would not be ...

 A better few days, with some alarming bits in the middle. Of course. My health is nothing if not an always crashing clown car. On Sunday I felt a bit better, ordered a Sunday roast, ate it, figured I would crash, and just took it slow and dozed off. Woke up to the weirdest alarming sensation ever, stomach was on fire, intense heat, and as I woke up a massive heat flush rolled through me, all my nerves on fire and I instantly broke out into a heavy sweat, heart hammering. What. The. Fuck. I didn't move. Just let the shitty weird fucking feeling flush through me, nerves tingling. For. Fuck. Sakes. Can I get a day without some new and fucking exciting weird set of symptoms ? No. Fuck you. Ok. So apart from that. And the usual grab bag of assorted bullshit. The days have evened out a bit. Anxiety has crept down each day. The mentals have calmed. The left leg is basically miraculously all back to normal at this point, from excruciating can't move pain, to all fine in a single week....

 Today as it turned out, has been better. Surprising. My left leg has improved leaps and bounds throughout the day. Suspiciously quickly. Perhaps, whatever was squeezing the nerve has eased off ? Whatever it is, the pain has come way down, my movement has gone way up, and, within reason, I can kind of use it again. To the extent that sometimes I am carrying my crutches as opposed to using them. My leg tires out. The longer I am standing, the worse it gets. The crutches are a life saver. It was like this yesterday but way more extreme. The pain was intense after a while. Today it's just more of a slowly building grumble and a reminder to sit your ass down. It means I can begin to potter around the kitchen again. Make something to eat. It's remarkable what a difference it makes when you can't move in a kitchen, just how many steps you end up taking, one step to the fridge, one back to the cutting board, two to the sink. Impossible when you can't move. And such a huge qual...

Yesterday my mental health finally cracked. Struggled all day with coming in and out of anxiety, sketchy thoughts, crazy stuff. The stress and coping and grief and illness and everything has finally pushed me over the edge. Been here. Done this. Got the t shirt. These are some of the worst moments of my life. I worked hard to distract myself and fight. Not 100% lost. Yet. But. Spending large chunks of time scratching at the walls and losing it. Not good. Also. I started taking my mental meds again. This is a two edged sword. They are going to make the anxiety worse in the short term. They're also going to put more strain on my cardio. They may even out my mood in the long term. I don't have any options however. By the time the early evening had rolled around the craziness had waned, I was for the moment, just about on the right side of sane. I settled down to chill and watch TV. I spoke to my nephew at length mid evening. This helped somewhat. Just talking to someone. He gives ...

 Slept a lot. Not great. But feel better. No skating on a path down to hell either. I have taken a step away from the Big Hole. Mentally I am pretty fucked. But. Stabilising a bit. What ? Staring down your imminent desmise is bad for your mental health stability ? Who knew ? I uh. Really. Don't think I can take those co-codamol anymore. At least. Not without serious consequence. I will try laying off them for a bit and seeing if shit improves. Which doesn't bode well for the old leg pain. Hilarious. I am going to take it so easy today, that it's going to be on the all time greats of taking it easy. I am also going to try to enjoy myself where I can. Also hilarious. There is a small part of me tempted to test the co-codamol effects again. There is a bigger part of me that is extremely alarmed at how close I got with it. Also interesting conclusion. Apparently I don't want to go out via codeine dosing. Not pleasant. ... So I've taken some time to do more in depth read...