Bork Slowly Borking

 Slept for 17 hours. Albeit with 2 pee breaks. But still. 17 hours straight. And to be frank. I had to pull myself out of bed to curtail it to just the 17 hours. Part of me feels less tired. Part of me feels as tired as ever. Sandy eyes. Of late my health situation has really been getting on top of me. It is once again eroding my sanity and I find myself contemplating how shit it is, how pointless it all is, and how I want to stop suffering. And then. Unbidden. On the back of that. Yesterday Athena was front and center. And the ache of missing her hit me like a bus. From nowhere. Like I had never felt it before. That she was gone. No longer here. I am suffering. She is long past. Her beautiful spirit has left. It crushed me.  It made me feel all over again that my time is done. I am just. Sweeping up the scrapings. Everything around me is decaying, me along with it. I really. Really . Don't want to be here. On the back of it. Just end it buddy. It would be really simple. So s...

 Tired and nauseous. I am getting bored saying it. Regrettably I cannot shift either. Everyday is a nausea day. Worse when I sit up. Typically if I spend time on a computer sitting upright, inevitably I start to feel sick and then stay that way. It makes everything an unpleasant experience. It waxes and wanes of its own accord over some hours, eventually I get tired "fighting it", and I have to give up and lie down. Where typically it lowers a notch. And comes as something of a relief. Meh. Yesterday I continued to experiment with finishes on my boxes. Whilst battling with nausea. So, after the first cloisonne trial revealed that the stain was reactivating, I have now tested two different sealing varnish sprays. The junker box I have is proving to be a great asset for testing - same wood, same stain, same scale. But it's junk. So I can test different approaches. One half of the box lid is coated in one varnish ( mid range quality ). The other half has another varnish ( hi...

 Losing track of days a bit. My sleep is all over the show, but ironically I think in a slightly better state. I am kind of sleeping in the early hours, before getting up around 4am ish, then staying up as long as I can manage, before inevitably crashing out and sleeping the afternoon off before starting again. It's not good for my sleep, health or yada. I feel like I am operating at a perpetually shit level all the time. And the waves of nausea et al certainly don't help. I don't know. I am just riding out the stupidly stormy waters and randomness. See where I wash up to. Made a GP appointment. Did I say that already ? Well. I have. Now the wait to be seen. They sent me back a patronising ( of course ) message, about how I shouldn't phone them unless it was an emergency ( in response to me saying I had tried to phone them to tell them I had to cancel ). I am unreasonably annoyed at the absolute shitfuck response to me saying there was a queue of 26 people - they have s...

 Today I took work off to have lunch with a friend. Albeit. I did actually work in the morning. I ended up sleeping a little, 1am to 4.30 am, then unable to sleep, ended up working until 10am before finally sleeping. This whole time schedule was undoubtedly a mistake, but, it's not like I am in control of it at this point. I woke up at midday to get ready for lunch... the worst I have ever been. I should have taken a photo. I looked appalling. And groggy. Foggy. Ill. The lot.  Nevertheless I ignored it all, I was just going to push through everything, to the point of collapse. As long as I wasn't collapsed I was going to keep going. So went out for lunch. It was nice. Took me hours to warm up. But eventually I felt a bit better. We chatted about this and that, work, family, health. Nice. My lunch wiped me out. Overly full, incredibly tired. So got home and crashed for hours. Woke up. Slowly warmed up. This is absolutely my reality now. Crashing out. Slow to wake up. Clearly sh...

 A work breakthrough. Got a bunch of stuff done, managed to concentrate well enough for a series of hours, and worked through the night into the day. Talked to Andy today about a few things, caught him up to speed, and we talked about some other things I had done last week, and suddenly, from one perspective, I don't look so useless at all. But I know I am operating well below my usual levels. But still useful. On the other hand. My nausea is worse today. Stomach pains for most of the day. Pretty bad. Which put an end to work output. I am just. Gonna switch to really light things again for a while. Soups. Fruit. Hydrate. And see how I do. I really. Really . Have to make that GP appointment.

 Super rough today. Struggled to even be upright during the day, gave up, slept through the day. My anxiety crawls upwards realising just how debilitated I am. I still need to do work, catch up with work, but everyday is a shitshow of feeling ill and "warming up", with a small window in the evening where more often than not I just hang out with a friend to keep myself sane. This is difficult. I am basically at a point where work is going out the window. Don't get me wrong. I am still very capable and can noodle with all sorts. But the old days of blasting through some impossible fucking project are long gone. And. I am not sure where that leaves me. Really I just want it to go away, to be able to function at a high level when I need it, and pretend I am not constantly ill. Reality gets in the way of that. I don't know. I will spend this evening when I feel a bit better knuckling down with some major work output. But work can sometimes be that thorny shitty impossible ...

 I ended up crashing out again for the mid part of the day yesterday. Woke up late afternoon at some kind of mid shit point - not good, but also, had worse. I got up and wanted to get stuff done. Let's be positive. Made a cup of tea. 10 minutes later nausea. In spades. And I felt terribly ill. My groceries were due to turn up and it was the last thing I wanted. Just. Go away. I curled up in a ball on the sofa and downed some antacid.  The groceries were running late, which gave me a little time to try and gather my ill self together. Just picking the groceries up and putting them away was a hard test. I am so fucked. But I got it done. I ate some "lunch" that had come with the groceries ( some light sushi and a natural fruit juice ) despite feeling nauseous and not wanting it. Slowly, oh so slowly, as the evening wore on, and I sat on my computer, the nausea subsided, disappeared. Ok. Feeling much better. The nausea and terribly ill feeling are going hand in hand. Pretty ...