Bork Slowly Borking

 The days blur past. Everything feels too quick. I sleep. And two days pass. I sleep again. And suddenly it's a week later. My zen spot is sleep. Everything melts away. No suffering. No misery. No demands. Sometimes I am haunted by dreams - of late anxiety riddled about failing work - but more often than not I either don't remember my dreams or I thankfully don't have them ( they are never good ). I realise that I am always wanting oblivion. It is when you stand back from it a soft opt to not exist. A soft suicide - something I can come back from. But. I am perpetually "better off" in oblivion. Not existing. Really, the only thing between a soft opt for oblivion and a hard one, is the fear of it being final, the worry of how it impacts everyone else, the hassle it would cause some people. But in reality it is pretty thin. The world would continue to turn. A single drop in an ocean. People would cope and move on. Sometimes I wake up at some point in the middle of a...

 Work was super hard this week. Struggled to get shit done. And then a migraine wiping me out for a good portion of Wednesday. My condition is slumping back into its usual super shit state. I have had a handful of better days - not good, but better - but that period seems to be closing. Gout has flared then gone back down again. I think it's more a certain kind of sugar than anything. Bizarrely. I ate a (single) cookie the other day, and 12 hours later, the gout was up. I have noted before some minor correlations about this. To the extent that I have previously swore off cherry bakewells ( a fave ), and some other conspicous sugary things. Not that I have sugar. Once in a rarity. But. If I do.  It's hard to see the wood for the trees because, it could be a bunch of things. I have a vague suspicion as well that it might be what kind of things you eat over a several day period - a slow build up of urea. But. I'm not sure. It's also true that I have gone through periods of...

 Yesterday I had a better day. For the whole day. The day before descended into a slump of exhaustion which got a bit better in the evening, but was the feared backward step. Yesterday however was better all round. Out of nowhere. For no good reason. A break in the clouds. I felt like I had a little bit of strength. I could do things. I felt like talking to people. I felt like doing something. The change between that and the exhausted state is like night and day. I am an entirely different person. Everything changes. You have no anchor dragging behind you. I decided to go for a short walk, but, I felt that bit better that I wanted to go do something more. Get in a car. Visit someone. Have a cup of tea. A chat. As I turned around to venture further out I had a brief worry - oh, is this me overreaching again. Feel a bit better. Blow out energy. Crash. I ignored it. What to do. As an adult I have learned that people in the modern world are inaccessible. They need schedules and times ...

 Yesterday started out the typical shit show. Exhausted. Sluggish. But. I have had worse. I sent out a message to meet up with my CFS friend at 1pm. We would see if I could do it. I had something to eat, a bit of caffeine, another nap. And I felt. Better. Ok. Cool. For the first time in months I have a bit of energy ! I got up to take a shower and immediately ran into a wall of exhaustion. Ok. Slow. Slowly. Take it very slow. Imagine you are nursing a weight behind you. So I slowed right down. Moving gingerly. Like an 80 year old. And I stabilised. Hovering on the edge of exhaustion. But just about on the right side of it. I could feel it poised on a knife edge. Keep going. My mood came up with my energy. Ok. I felt like. I could do shit . On a whim whilst sitting in my towel I decided ( of course !? ) to copy my laptop drive. Diseassmble the laptop, hoik out the nvme drive, clone it, pop it back. This felt like not a big deal. 48 hours ago that felt impossible. I went out. Spent a...

 Tried hard to have a normal day yesterday. Failed. Managed to stay up for a few hours, didn't move much, ate a little, felt ill, went to sleep... 14 hours later, it is Friday. Yesterday I got up to check the car - I thought I had perhaps left it off charge. That whole thing, shoes on, cross the road, check the car, come back, exhausted me. Shockingly bad. Today I have arranged to meetup with a fellow CFS sufferer. As it stands it's not something I can even contemplate doing.  My sleep and inactivity is so bad, I am having great trouble figuring out when to take medication. It's always a weird time, never a clear 24 hour delay, and my memory blurs. Today I turned over somewhere late afternoon utterly disorientated. I thought it was night, but daylight was hitting the window. For a moment I couldn't figure out what day it was or how long I had been sleeping. It didn't matter. Exhausted. I just went back to sleep. A tiny voice in me says I should go out. Walk. Even if...

 5.20am. I've been asleep for the magic number of 16 hours just about. A wake up here or there for a short while. Most of those hours I have been plagued my a low level migraine threatening to always step up. I tried sleeping with it only - no meds - to minimal success. After 12 hours of that nonsense I bit the bullet and took a couple of aspirin at risk of completely wrecking my dubious nausea levels. I have had a shower. The first in. I don't know how long. These last few months have been unusual for me. Usually I am at least a once a day shower kind of person. But these last few months it has lapsed. A week. Two weeks. Three weeks. I feel. Fragile. Shaky. I desperately just want a normal day. A normal day where I feel normal. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be sick. Or exhausted. Or a migraine. Or some other bullshit that goes on with me. I feel like I am on a knife edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to develop into something worse from th...

 Ended up waking very early, as per my shattered sleep cycle, and just staying up, starting work at 5.30am. I figured this would probably give me my best shot of not feeling absolutely fucking terrible and doing something workwise. Which worked out. I cleared off a few tasks I had on my list, but by midday I could feel myself flatlining. So I had a nap. "Nap". I woke up 12 hours later. Midnight. Within 20 minutes I feel nauseous. And generally ill. And bonus. My right eye wont focus properly. Sigh. I still feel tired. I should probably eat something and then.. I don't know.. go back to sleep. Gotta get my 16 hours a day !  Zero space in my schedule today to even pretend to be human. I've had an idle browse of reddit whilst trying to let the nausea settle. That's it. ( Whilst there it was unavoidable to see that Trump has declared that only he and the attorney general get to decide what is legal or not, marvellous ). Eh well.