Bork Slowly Borking

 I am continuing to work on all days. Weekends. Whatever. Just to pile through it all. I'm currently doing at least a half day every day if not more. Tinkering around in places. Pushing through in others. Just to get it done. But it resists my efforts, one more thing after another. Eh meh. I've also inadvertently... advertently... started isolating hardcore. I feel very disinclined to talk or see anyone. Including Hazel. I just. Don't. For the most part I am surprisingly ok with it. Just. Content to go completely hermit mode. I can't imagine it's good for me, but eh. I went for a walk the other day which was better than I have done recently. Wasn't great. Chest tightened up, neck started clamping, but, nowhere near as bad as before. It was ok. I managed to half enjoy the walk. Had a lie down halfway round in the sun. Athena is in pretty good form considering she's due another shot very soon. She is slower, subtly, ever more every month. But still doing alrig...

 Work, work, work. With no end in sight. To say I am sick of it is an understatement. And also employee problems. Whilst our currently highest experienced dev is competent and can be trusted to get on with shit, in the flaws column he has a nasty habit of sulking and being a prima donna. Its flared up badly in the past - when it was suggested he do something other than the single thing that Andy had babied him onto for a year. He basically threw a fit. And didn't want to do anything else in any other way. He apologised after that. Fair enough. Move on. But that character trait still resides within him. It's not pretty. It makes my work life even more problematic at times. It just adds to the ongoing clusterfuck that is work. This week he had a pout when having got himself into a sticky corner because of bad tech decisions he wanted to write everything locally, completely buggering any idea of shared code base and return on investment. No dude. You made a bad decision. Fix it. H...

 Up at 6am today to get to the first in the morning MRI appointment. Iffy. I am unwell at the best of times. Forcing me to hit early morning or weird times is a bit of a coin flip. I may end up writing myself off. As it was I did my best. Was very sensible. Made sure I was in bed by 8pm winding down. Sleeping somewhere around 10pm. And I did ok. For the first time in a while I went to sleep without chest pains or waking up with a feeling of someone sitting on my chest. Then again. I've stopped taking my mental meds for the last few days, which, as a side effect, increase the burden on your cardio and up your blood pressure. Vasco constrictors. Got to the appointment in good time. No rush. No fuss. Felt not too bad, getting up was meh, but, fine. Had the scan no problem. Weirdly. 20 minutes in the MRI destroyed my back. I could hardly get up from the bed. Lower back was killing me. I groaned home, and by the time I got back I was crashing hard. Super hard. I slept. For for hours and...

 Hospital visit went ok. Camera up ass. Nothing found too awful. Looks good. So. Onwards to other stuff. MRI appointment came up fast too, that's on Monday. But it's beginning to look like a bit of a mystery again. For all my moaning about the NHS, they've done a very good job this time around. Fast. And all round lovely. When the NHS works, it's tickety boo. When it doesn't. It's awful. I think this underscores the very lottery like nature of your experience, if you get people who are competent, or a bit of the system that's working, it's good. But there are wastelands of bits where it's shit. As I've said before, it can make it difficult to know what to make of it. My last surgery at the hospital was equally tip top. And the people were lovely. Not so the GPs. Anywho. As it turned out on the day they did not need to knock me out or otherwise. I wasn't climbing the walls. I figured I wouldn't be. So Hazel accompanying me was a waste of t...

Another dive into the abyss. My mood and my wellbeing are at a horrible low point again today. Right or wrong, I think I've figured something out after all. The weird things I get when I lie down, the struggle to catch air, the feeling of liquid shifting. These are all apparently classic signs of heart failure. Some people living with a bad heart have to sleep propped up because on lying flat they struggle. Liquid also accumulates in the lungs. On getting up the liquid sinks. The days I struggle on a walk have all recently been on warmer days. Warmer days are dangerous for those with heart problems. The body has to work harder to keep your core temperature lower. Your heart suffers. You feel like shit. The swimming made me feel better because it pumped up my cardio, forced oxygen around my otherwise limited system. But wasn't strenous enough to make me feel shit. And the opposite of a hot day.  The pains. The tingles. The breathelessness. The always tired. Exhausted after exert...

 Hospital day. I didn't sleep really last night. I wasn't worried about the hospital appointment, but, apparently, my body decided that wasn't good enough, and kept me in a perpetual state of hover. Interesting thing through the night. Dozing in and out of sleep. Increasingly tired. But felt ok. And then. Suddenly. Around 4am. Wham. Brain fog. Felt absolutely awful. Sick. Super ill. I doubted I could attend my appointment feeling like that. But I dozed on through. And slowly it got a bit better. Not good. But a bit. Until I got up. And felt like death warmed up. But better than I had. Interesting. A real nasty down spike. Maybe something kicks in at that time that's really shit. Or maybe I just stop breathing, sleep apnea. Who knows. So the appointment was different to last time. Last time I was in the quiet bit of the hospital for surgery. This time I was in the hubbub of general bullshit. And it was packed. Oh dear. Checked in, took a seat. 2 minutes later the most ov...

 Struggled today. I've had a couple of days of "weird stuff" at night. And then today, I went for a walk, and struggled hardcore to get around a route that in the past I have breezed through. It's odd. Sometimes it's like that. And of late. It's more and more common that it's like that. Within 50 yards I was struggling. Difficult to breathe. Not gasping for air, or clogged up asthma lungs. But. Just not enough oxygen. My head span. For the entire walk. I am, by this time in my travails with bullshit, somewhat used to it that I just ignore it. I felt heavy. Somewhat ill. My upper torso ached and screamed. And slowly it spread lower. The left side of my face tingled in the way that it sometimes does. And I had to grit my teeth to get round. I grasped onto Athenas lead with a death grip ( she's never on a lead these days, I just carry it unattached ). I placed one foot, in front of another. Unable to enjoy the walk. Just counting the steps until we got ba...

 Still cruising along relatively ok. A couple of times the grimdark has threatened to intrude, but I've backed it off. Mostly to do with loss. Health. Ares. Don't get me wrong. There's still no hope, little joy, life is shit. I'm just doing better at handling it at the moment. Achieved some nice things at work. Lovely. Mechanically beautiful. Crunchily technical. Satisfying. Which is a nice change from the of late rampant shit shovelling and running around with hair on fire. Andy has backed the hell off. I think it has slowly percolated through that he has been fucking shit up royally. So we have a new employee on the way. And another part timer possibly on the back of that one too. And he has quit, for the moment, just transferring anxiety about the place. As a direct result. Work has got better. I have felt better about work. No surprises. But it does make you realise just what an enormous part of the problem he has been. Eh well. He does his best. Unlike what your mo...

 A better today and yesterday. No reason for it. Everything is as it was. Still struggling. Health is a joke. Yada blah. But I have gone up mentally. A little better. A bit of strength. Able to stand up and not crumple into a heap. And think about the worst. And not bend before it. It wont last. Nothing ever does. Good or bad. But it's made the last couple of days easier to live with. Perhaps after Monday everything by comparison has to be better ? Been working a lot last few days. Not great. But it is what it is. I am, to a certain extent, humming once more. Ploughing through difficult tasks. And kicking down highly technical doors. Some old. Lots of new. And all the crappy arcane to get them to play together. I still need a long rest. Went out for a walk today and it promptly stormed across Norwich. Torrential rain. Which left us stuck in the car. So we had a coffee and a sandwich and a cake whilst we waited it out. In hindsight, probably not great. I've never been great goin...

Don't read this. It's miserable. It is where I am. Leave it. Go read something happy instead. This is just for me. Getting the insides of my head to the outside. Today I felt terrible. 30% not feeling too well. 70% feeling utterly utterly hopeless. I rolled over in bed in the morning and slept instead of getting up. I don't want reality. I want oblivion. Eventually I got up. Read a bit of internet. Had a little breakfast. And then went back to sleep. Rejecting reality. I have. I think. Figured out a way to just end it all. I figured it out sometime ago. But I haven't uttered it out loud. It's easy. A no brainer. And requires me to do nothing. I have realised that if I spend an extended amount of time asleep. My symptoms get worse. If I do it for a few days, and in particular, don't go out. It gets worse again. I think. If I just slump into never moving. Hydrating now and then. Not eating. But slip away into sleep. In fairly short order. It will do me in. The pro...

May, and the evenings are already drawing out long. 8.15pm the light has yet to disappear. Taking the old lady for a walk along the River Tud. A cool but not cold evening surrounded by only trees, water and birdsong. Zen. But it only makes me all the more sad. Ah well. Enjoy the zen.

 The days blur. I could go into the shadow places I am living in and relate some of the things I see and experience there. I am not sure what the point is. Just let them dissipate. An ongoing winding path of suffering and mental torture bereft of hope. At times my rational clockwork brain dictates calm upon the stormy seas and I become for a while, functional. Capable of faking it even. I can morph into different characters. Smile. Laugh. It's not even a fake per se. Just. A different me. A clowns makeup. A mask. But underneath it is the same. Dizzy these last few days. The persistent always there dizzy. Some strange grumbly headaches that shift around the front of my head. And the palpitations and malarkey going on come and go, coming on stronger when I do something, or lie down and sleep. The brain fog is not far behind. The sunken eyes not far behind that. Same melody. Different notes at times. But same melody. My mood has shifted into just accepting it. And being. Grateful ? Ju...

 Kept my head down today. And much in the rest category. I've felt fragile for a lot of the day, but pottered around playing some games in the middle of the afternoon. I have not pushed at any edges. Because I kinda fear what happens if I do. But also I don't fear it. I feel like I am losing my mind to some extent chasing my tail round and round. Anxiety. But also limbo. Purgatory. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. A big part of it is not knowing whether to plan for the next hour, the next day or the next year. They say you should live each moment like it's your last, which, is good advice. But. There are practicalities. How food for you need. Should you pee now. How much money will it take. It matters. Athena has matched my mood, she's been very low energy - I'm pretty sure she's feeling the weight of being on the last day of her meds. Tomorrow is her next shot. She's done better this month, but the sudden tail off is fairly brutal. I am confident sh...

 I have not felt well the last few days. Heavy. Sluggish. Squeezed. Went for a walk on Friday, and I struggled. As I got half way round the usual walk, my calves started cramping, aching. Then my neck followed - the curious thing I get it feels like someone is sitting across my neck. A pressure. A clamp. And then after that, I felt off. Ill. Weird. Like my world was about to drop out. I sat down to recover, but it was difficult. I got up, walked around a bit, and immediately felt worse. My neck suddenly clamped harder. A touch of nausea. So I sat again. After a while, went on my way, grimacing all the way back to the car. I got home, fed Athena, and collapsed into bed feeling very off. Very ill. Not good. Perhaps it's just one of those days. If it were someone else, I would say it was cardio. Angina. A struggling heart that can't pump enough oxygen around. The foresigns of a heart attack. But eh. Whatever. And my cardio was checked out pretty well a few years ago. With no alarm...