Bork Slowly Borking

 As expected, I didn't do shit on Tuesday. I didn't properly move until gone 5.30pm. And when I did move, I didn't move much. Long term this is going to be very bad for my already shit health. But it's a slow, soft, beguiling kind of slow death. One where you don't have to do anything. One that isn't dramatic. You just. Stop. And slowly rot. And fall into endless sleep. This is not unforeseen. It's just taken a lot longer to get to than I thought. But here we are. There is a little glimmer in me that wants to kick. Stop. Go for a walk. Yes. I know we don't have a dog. Just just walk around the block. Go out into the fresh air at least once a week. And once a week is ridiculously low. So I walked around the block today. This evening. By the time I properly moved today it was gone 5.30pm again. Dark. The air and the walk was nice. All other things aside. It turns out I like being out in the air and walking. If you had asked me that 5 years ago I would have...

 So I've ended up working pretty hard for the last several days. It's almost certainly not smart. But I've done it. Working through the weekend my supposed days off, and delivered a prototype of the packing app. Andy is happy. I am in no proper state to do such things anymore. Working like that has meant that everything else in a day has faded to practically zero - with the exception of journeying out to pick up my glasses and a burrito. I have lived in a quasi state of sleep, get up, eat a little, work, watch something in the background. Sleep. Eat a little. Work. Watching something in the background. What day it is. Or what time it is fade hardcore. I was up til 5am the other day just working. I just don't have the energy or focus to pull things together into some semblance of a normal schedule. That I was able to sustain concentration on work is an achievement. I haven't been able to properly do that for a couple of months. And really, these last few days have be...

 It is nearly 4am. I am pleased with myself. Have a screenshot of the crude Proof of Concept cargo container packer I have written. It has a gravity check in there to prevent your shit from tipping over. It is immensely funky. It runs in 3d in your browser. Some packing ! 3 sets of items   We change the number of blue packages. More. Gravity check. We add some purple "ladders". The packer deems this, gravity compliant. ... but if the ladders are made longer, they no longer can sit on the red cubes. so they get placed on the floor ! Just for funsies, we add a lot of little packages too. Clever.

 Kinda forgot my glasses today. I had an inkling it was today. Checked the date. 27th. But I had had no indication from the opticians. My bad. The appointment had been booked for today at 4pm. I had just drifted by that. Typically these days I note all appointments and reminders down in my google calendar, because I am terrible at remembering things like that 5 minutes after I walk out the door. So. Let the computer do that for me. And everything in my house checks my calendar automatically for me, and dings me during the day. Perfect. For me. But I hadn't noted this one down. I think because Hazel was there asking questions, and hijacking my appointment for her own glasses. But it's my fault I didn't note it down. Easily distracted. In any case, I managed to get to the place with a small slot bump to half an hour later. Picked up my glasses. My new new ones seem to be.... well... meh. I wasn't entirely sold on them in the store. Something the fitter picked up on. They ...

 It has been a rough patch of days. When isn't it these days ? I have been sleeping a lot. Finding it harder and harder to wake up. To warm up. Pushed deeper into twilight. It's a lot of things. The aches and pains. The exhaustion. Physical things. But it's also mental. In all senses of the word I am dying. A slow undramatic, unheralded quiet kind of fading away. I think a greater part of my sub conscious is just done with it. Given up. Hopeless. Just drift away. Wanting oblivion. It is getting very difficult to even sit up at a computer. To drag myself into a chair to play some games. It is hard. Some days I can't do it at all. I am not doing it because I am eager to play something. Looking forward to it. I am doing it for some vestigial response to, I really should at least say hello to someone. When I am done playing a game I find I am relieved. Tired. Eager to be back to oblivion. Obviously, from some, lah de dah, bullshit "normal" human response it's ...

 Gout is back. Energy has slumped harder. And to cap it off, pretty sure the sleep apnea has been biting harder of late too - waking up groggy and headache ridden. Super. I am back to taking a steady dose of ibuprofen to keep the worst of the gout away, which helps somewhat. It is as ever worst overnight, sometimes it even peaks mid nighttime and then improves a little by the time I wake up. I had a burger a couple of days ago, and, I haven't been eating anything cherry based of late. I find that to be a pretty thin excuse for why I've had a gout flare up. Hum ho. I suppose I need to tell the doc again. Low energy, exhastion, dodgy foot, no Poppy to need attention, I am finding I have lapsed back into being comatose for much of the day. Probably more evidence I function better with a dog, even if I am not going out much. They forcibly break sleep and rest patterns. I have to engage with a happy bundle of fur. At the cost of some energy expenditure. I am also once again finding ...

 Energy has burned out again. Haven't done much, it still burned out anyway. Such is the way things are. Today I read another post on Imgur where someone had marked the loss of their dog. Such posts are always full of emotion and loss. They are terrible. I don't mean terrible as in why are people posting this, this is terrible go away. Sharing the loss with a community, even of strangers, means something. But I'm not going to get into that. I can feel their pain at their loss. It is an awful thing. I often leave a note on such posts. Acknowledging the loss. Acknowledging the grief and pain. Condolences. There is little you can do. But again. That human thing. I think not only sharing such grief. But having people respond to you with care is important. It is part of who we are.  It always makes me very sad. It makes me relive my losses. It's ok. That is the price of things. I don't shy away from it. I will offer a hand even though it hurts. Hum ho. Anyway. Here is wh...

 Today I have a glimmer of energy. It has wobbled on and off during the day. But it's there. Just about. What to do with a slither of energy ? So many things to do. I am already tired. So. Let's just stick to basics. First. Get the washing up out of the way, pots cleared away, ready to go. Second. Lets actually cook something today. I want to have another stab at the tagine. But I am missing a couple of things. Well. Kind of. I mean. A tagine can be all sorts of things. But specifically I want to do another vegetarian tagine, with chickpeas and sweet potatoes. I don't have any chickpeas. Chickpeas are a great source of protein if you are not including meat in something. I do have butter beans. Which are not the same at all. And pound for pound only half the amount of protein, but a whole bunch of other nutrient benefits. Ok. Chicken tagine it is. And. I'll just stick the butter beans in there anyway. "Tagine". We will not be using a tagine. We will be using a ...

 Not a nutcase. Well. Not for this anyway.

 I am taking it beyond slow today. Sleeping. And more sleeping. And doing very little. I can feel my batteries are low, and, resting barely gives any charge back at all. But it does help the tiniest bit. Slowly. This is of course what they say CFS is about. Your batteries are permanently low, and, they don't recharge. That description feels absolutely apt at the moment. I can feel my energy levels, and how even with a solid 12 to 14 hours of sleep, the needle barely moves up. Conversely, act ballpark normal for an afternoon and the batteries drain flat. Tricky. Last night I opted for an ibuprofen. The pains were particularly bad. So. Fuck it. I am taking an ibuprofen. It makes a difference. It takes the edge of the pains. I think with a sustained dose it does better, but I am loathe to continually munch on ibuprofen unless I absolutely have to ( ie, killer gout ). Despite being in hardcore rest mode today, I am not in a comfortable spot. This is the ironic rub of me having all this...

 Exhausted. As much as I hate to admit it, I am going backwards again, struggling to maintain energy, tired, slow to warm up, riddled with the mystery all over pains. Possibly it could be because I've been "overdoing it". Which is bullshit. But. I went into the city on Sunday for glasses and late lunch. And then repeated the trick on Monday despite feeling tired, because I needed to get out and get things done and yada blah. Monday evening I crashed out hard. Yesterday I hardly stirred until the sun went down. And today I have spluttered into awful functionality through gritted teeth and compelled by an "interesting problem to solve". This evening I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I wish I knew a consistent trick to hit a painless day. A day where I wake up feeling a bit better. With a bit of energy. It is very frustrating to have a sample of one or two of those days in a six month period, know that it's at least possible, but then never have i...