Bork Slowly Borking

 Exhausted. I had a bit of energy yesterday to play some games, did too much, exhausted out. Today I am having trouble just getting out of bed. Stomach is off again with the same old shit. It never really goes away, it just simmers down a bit, and then rises back to a bad constantly nauseous kind of place again. Tired of it all. I find myself not being able to stay out of bed for very long. I  have  to sleep. Even if it's just an hour. It resets something. And I get a little bit of energy. More often than not it burns out in 20 minutes. And leaves me back to square one, either having to slog through exhaustion, or just return to sleep. I wish it would end, one way or the other. The purgatory inbetween is utter shit. I have to confess. Every night. I think about that knife. Slicing open my arm. Despite me knowing better, it gives me a tiny bit of comfort before I sleep. Just. Finish it. Do it. No more exhaustion. I think about the practical hurdles. Stupid stuff. How easy ...

 Brother visited before therapy on Monday. I was up relatively early. Before Monday morning my anxiety skittered out and thought oh I am going to be fine, they will visit and say, oh there's nothing wrong with you ! On the one hand. That amount of energy would be good. On the other hand. Someone would mistake my masking for being well. Uh huh. Monday morning was like molasses poured into an exhausted bucket. And the perspective shifted entirely. Oh.  Oh . I am going to be lucky to just get myself fucking washed and dressed. Let alone anything else. I am going to be lucky to make it downstairs and stay upright on the sofa. I quickly ditched any idea of a bit of washing up. Or a quick tidy up. Oh no. No no no. Just not feeling like absolute garbage was going to be all I could manage. Slowly I made myself at least presentable. I went to sit on the sofa. And I couldn't maintain. They were due. I couldn't do it. I gave up and lay down instead. Closed my eyes. Awful. Sometime lat...

 Improved mentals today, albeit sketchy and jumpy. One should be happy about small mercies I suppose. Today I have pathetically engaged in a few small tasks. Made some mash potatoes. Cleaned a few things. Tidied up a few things. A quick blast with the hoover. It is. Without doubt. Absolutely pathetic. On the one hand I tell myself that today is a better day than I've managed to do in months. And for that. I should look on the bright side. On the other hand. I am low key horrified at how little I can do. I am becoming trapped in the amber of where I am, if that makes any sense. Normal is not being able to do shit. Anxiety. Living a very small life. And it is becoming that normal. It's no longer a state I am enduring waiting to return to a more capable me. It's now the other way around. I find it hard to deal with mentally. It's like I have become 80 years old in the space of a few years. Part of me just wants to sink into the earth. Just. Stop. Let it wash over me. It is...

 Storm is upon us. High winds. I like storms. Always have. It says a lot about me. It also says a lot about me that hasn't changed, something fairly deep, something at my core. There's something primal about storms. I think. I like the way that most people tend to run away or hide from storms. It. Clears the air. It seems I have always preferred spaces where people leave. And when a storm comes. Most people tend to leave. Or take cover. Or are subdued. Who they are dials down. Weirdly. It gives me space to breathe. Storms make sense to me. They aren't full of rules or bullshit. Not classes to attend. Timetables. Not fucking bills to pay. Responsibilities. They just are. And they have the capability to reshape the world around them. And if no ones looking. I used to sometimes go out in storms and just stand there and absorb them. They would energise me. Electric. Would make all the hairs stand up on end and a tingle go up my spine.  That probably sounds kind of nuts. I don...

 Bad mentals day. I checked one of my annual renewals this week. It's something I rarely do, and by rarely I mean, I can't remember the last time years wise I did that. House insurance. This year it's doubling in price. And it's doubled at some point in the past as well. The price hike is ridiculous and taking it somewhere in the range of 3 to 5 times what I should be paying for it. So. Just change it right ? My immediate reaction was anxiety. Depression. Despair. I am very fragile. There is a price for me enduring the shit I do. The shrink would call it a decline in resilience. Vanishing to zero at its worst. I've always understood it to be a lowering of emotional threshold. But these days it also manifests in me being overwhelmed on a hair trigger. It isn't universal. Somethings I am still resilient with. But others. I tip over the edge in the blink of an eye. This. Apparently. Is one of those things. On paper. It's utterly stupid. But. This is the long sh...

 Struggling to keep my sleep schedule in place. But. Sort of getting there. Going to bed early. Getting up early. I am wasted by 7pm. Sometimes I can stretch it out til 10pm ish. As it turns out the 11 hours of sleep is definitely not enough. I flake out and end up sleeping in the middle of my waking phase for a few hours. Pushing me up again to the more usual north of 12 hours. I get so tired. It's crazy. The government have announced a shakeup in GP appointments and the like. They're now holding GPs to giving online appointment bookings throughout the day during their core hours. You're also going to be allowed to ask questions and request a callback. If you think this sounds like what they should be doing already, you'd be wrong. Most, if not all GPs still run the absolutely ridiculous 8am scrum, notoriously shit, and you often end up just not getting an appointment at all. GPs have reacted to this by saying they're going to be overwhelmed by patients. You know. ...