Bork Slowly Borking

 Terrible day. Last night my stomach went off. The ulcer or whatever the hell it is set off making sleep impossible and my internals spasming. I put up with it during the night but knew come the morning when things are bad, I would have a double problem. I spent all day in a fog of suicidal plans. Over and over for hours. In the end it was all I could see. The worst I have ever been. Physical symptoms making me sick, dizzy, a fog across my mind, reduced to single words, pains and my stomach felt like it had been punched repeatedly. My muscles spasming all night and morning. I spent a bare 45 minutes up today before finally "getting up" at 5.15pm. I stared at the TV for hours. My brain 30 seconds behind the quiz shows. My upper thoughts just not there. Half my mind missing. A new series of pains sweeps my right torso. New. Different. Sharp and painful. Ho hum. I ignore them and tell no one. What good would it do. Depressed. Hopeless. Feelings of being broken, useless and a bur...

 Not so good this evening. Shaky and weak, feel unwell. Head is dizzy, stuffy and a headache on the left. Always the left since the ramipril. Left side of face and back tingles. Pulsing dull pain somewhere around my heart. Hard to say what it is. Not good. The worst I've felt in an evening for quite a while. I admitted to Hazel today that if i had an easy way out I would take it. If there was assisted suicide I would take it. She said it would just cause more grief it would not solve anything. I would stop being a burden. And suffering. Who knows maybe the ship will right itself yet. My ulcer is getting v slowly better I think. I can lie on my left side now at times without setting it off. Sometimes not. Maybe left side of my head will improve and take the tingles with it. But the cold analyst in me thinks its wishful thinking. But I am also aware my thinking is shot to hell. My judgement is poor, my mentals are all over the show. I don't know. I would still take assisted suici...

 Tried sleeping without sleeping tablet last night. It crossed my mind they were making morning anxiety worse. Sleep was more troubled, but, managed it. Woke up several times. Around 5am, my body clock started. A tickle of anxiety. Stomach went off. Needed loo. Got up. Suddenly very thirsty. I decide to try something new. Take 2 paracetamol before I go back to bed. Sleep was very disturbed. Anxiety got worse. Heart goes. Left arm pins and needles, weak. Left side of face tingles. An odd feeling acros my back. I continually clench my left fist when I am aware to negate the tingles. Incredibly thirsty. I drink a pint of water, still thirsty. Hot flushes. Sweats. Anxiety builds, but not as bad as yesterday. If I think of anything it is an immediate huge worry. I dont think of anything. I just want to sleep. I just want to not be here. I get up again at 9.30, another pint of water. Take one of my meds. Go back to bed. I doze fitfully full of anxiety. 10.30am I get up. Weak. Shaky. Anxi...

 Today has been a terrible day. Tried to do some work this morning through a haze of confused mind, numb left side of face, numb back, and bits not working. Couldnt keep going. Went back to bed. Heart would not quiet. Couldnt sleep. Couldnt get up, felt ill. Spent hours just counting each troubled heart beat, and feeling the prickles and tingles move inside me. Left side of face feels subtly more slack each day.  Thought a lot about suicide again today. Come up with sleeping pills. I felt hopeful. Is that still a thing ? Resolved to look it up when I was more lucid. A solemn calmness has stole over me. I didnt really get out of bed today. I staggered to the kitchen to feed the dogs, get water - always thirsty, difficult to swallow at times - and went back to bed. Got up v late afternoon. Realised I had to eat. I am still not eating enough. No appetite. No care. Quietly researched suicide methods. Harder than you think. Links to Samaritans. NHS. Information is removed. Pills ar...

 Anxiety off charts. Heart aches in dull waves. Anxiety comes in pulses from chest. Shaky, weak. Left arm and legs. Tingles left side of face. Back is numb. Started getting bad at 7am. Stayed in bed and suffered. Barely able to shower. Feels like I need mental ward at this point. Just suffer and see what happens I guess. 

 11pm. I should sleep. As is atm I feel better at this time of day than any other. But I can feel a deep unwellness in me. The left hand side of my face tingles. Its been at it all day. My head is full of cotton wool, and the upper bounds of my thinking feels lost in fog. Earlier today the numbness in my limbs and a heart that wouldn't quit pushed me to the brink again. I could not sleep, getting up made me feel faint and nauseous. Trapped. My thoughts spiralled into suicide one suffering minute to the next until that's all there was. Several times I opened my eyes my path to suicide just there. Each time I stopped. Be calm. Hazel left for a doc appointment. Now was the time. I am a coward. I do not want pain, but I was already suffering. A knife would hurt. But against this daily misery would it be so bad ?  It was close. I had figured the plan. Hazel came back very quick. And the plan evaporated. Ho hum. I long for a peaceful death. The relative calm of a moment like this ev...

 Today start bad. Anxiety kicked in 8am got worse. Left arm weak and tingles, both lower legs v tingly, right arm starts to go too. Tingly back. Tingles in left side face. Tingles present most of yesterday. Feel sick. Went for shower, couldn't finish started to feel faint. Back to bed. Feel very unwell.tingles. nausea. Can't go on like this. V bad. Pain in back can be very sharp and deep. Then, goes. Neck frequently gets heavy. Mornings, and into day, thoughts are harder. Also. Getting fixated on things. Cant stop staring at things. Until eyes sting. Eyes can go very wide. Couldnt stop eyes going very wide in bed last evening. Spent most of yesterday in bed. Couldn't sleep. Heart would not let me.  Sleep when can get it is only refuge atm. Days are beginning to shrink to bed.