Bork Slowly Borking

 Staying with my brother for a few days Dahn Sahf ( down south ). For a break. A mental reset. A change of pace. To spend time with my family. Can't say I was entirely confident about the journey. I had some very generous offers to pick me up and ferry me there. Which is amazing. But I didn't want to put anyone out. At the same time I considered it a ... dubious... decision to drive there myself. But. Fuck it. Of course. As ever. When do I ever listen to counsel about taking it easy. Hazel said I was stupid. I can't exactly disagree. You say yes when someone offers she said. Mmm. No. I feel bad. Anyway. I made it without incident. The last ten minutes of the 1 hour 50 journey felt ten minutes too long if I'm being honest. I was counting the minutes pretty hardcore at that point. My tingles were really acting up. And I needed a rest. But it wasn't a sudden shift to feeling like crap. So. Good ? Well. Not good. Better. Considerably better. I also had a bit of a split ...

 Improvement over the last few days. Tingles have subsided ( but not gone ), feelings of unwellness have lessened. Weak legs persist. It's something that on some days runs a close line however and threatens at any moment to get worse again. Perhaps I am getting better at tuning in to the ebbs and flows a bit and slowing down when they aggravate. Perhaps it's just coincidental. I have definitely been more careful not to overdo it. I've also noticed I'm starting to sleep longer. I've also noticed a subtle pattern to eating and some of the symptoms. My gastro problems that I had - I thought - were gone. But I am pretty sure they have not gone. They are just much more subtle now, but still there. Sometimes something I eat will set off my internal fizzing. Interesting. Another slow healer perhaps. But this definitely falls into *mostly* a category of very copeable with. I am mulling over whether some of the worse days were actually caused by some iffy eating days. Don...

 Feeling a bit better today. So strange. Ebbs and flows. But as the afternoon has worn on, my condition has slightly gone down. The weak legs seem to be a continual feature of late. Wobbly. Shaky. Ho hum. Mentally. Eh. I am on the edge I think. My mind detached briefly this afternoon. Bonkers. I suddenly became hyper aware of time and your focus within it, are you focusing on getting through your work day to the evening ? The next day ? The next week ? A year ? If you look up and think of what you will do this evening. Tomorrow. Next year. 50 years. It changes entirely. At some point in there you are dead. At another point you're just looking to watch something on TV or the internets. Or going on holiday in the summer. Or are you in the moment. With each second. Depending on your focus, reality seems entirely different. Most of those focal points ... give me serious issues. No hope, only darkness. Cheery mood again no doubt. It's a challenge keeping my mind positive and not ski...

 Slow start. Like death warmed up. Noticeably weak legs today. Almost... shaky. Ear is screeching. Feel ill and tired. Loathe to get out of bed. My miserable brain regarded my blackened eyes, the aches in my chest, and my blood drained lips to make the case that Shit Wasn't Right. Sigh. Dying by degrees. Or just very very very slow to heal. Like. Possibly not healing. I read up on post viral effects today to see if anyone had any correlations with black eyes. Nada. Fatigue, general feelings of being ill and yada were common. Which did sound a lot like me. Usually gone in weeks. Sometimes months. With some things, like Nile fever, the average length was... wait for it... 5 years. There were some notes that it seemed to be more prevalent in those with weakened immune systems. Oh you mean me and my hole in the arse that the NHS cant be bothered to do surgery on. Like that you mean ? Sigh. I'm barely functioning today. I am trying my best to stay *out* of bed and up. Difficult. Exh...

 Feel worse again today. I wobbled last night around 9pm. Perhaps because I hadn't eaten dinner. Perhaps because I was tired. Perhaps. Just because. And then today, worse again. My tingles greeted me as I got up. Weakness in legs. And everything... just off. The left side of my face feels... tight. The overcast day matches my mood, subdued, unhappy that my condition is disinclined to steadily improve. My mind is in one of those borderland places at the moment. Aware and thinking and walking along the edge of the abyss, looking over. The shadows are long, and it's so easy for me to place a single foot wrong and end up pitched into that bottomless chasm. This is it. Whispers my brain. This is you. Permanently. Wait another 3 months. Watch it deteriorate. Watch them apologise for not catching something earlier. And what are you doing. Nothing to do. Sitting there. Bleakly staring at the walls. Waiting for existence to end. Paused, frozen, whilst everyone around you is a blur of li...

 Levelled off yesterday. Not better. Not worse. Ok. "Ok". IE far from bloody OK. But copeable. If I am not asked to do shit. Following last weeks marathon six day work schedule - Hazel reckons it was 7 out of 7 days working - this week I have learned my lesson ( ah ha ha ha ha ha - no ) and didn't work yesterday on my proper clear day of rest. I have it in my head to go visit my brother again soon, twofold, one, spend more time with them all, and two, see if it helps my recuperation and gives me another break after this shitty week. And because I dont want to put anyone out, I'd drive down there for the 1hour 45 minute ish drive. Mm. That's far for me at the moment. Not even sure if doable. Hazel suggested a shorter journey first - to the coast with the puppers. 40 minutes. To be honest I was borderline yesterday. Alright. But only just about. I reallllllyyy was disinclined to push or do anything except rest. I went for a nap at 1pm ish... and got up at 5pm. Uh hu...

 Slightly better today. The rollercoaster of bullshit is wearying in itself. Meta levels on meta levels. That being said, anxiety roused me from sleep, kept me increasing company for an hour and a half, before the doc rang promptly at 9am. So today I spoke to the GP, finally. She was very sympathetic. Mark that as two days in a row with sympathetic responses from the NHS. Which I am very grateful for. She echoed the statements of the neuro guy yesterday - without realising it until I said as much - that we were probably getting into areas that to be frank, they didn't know about and at best it would come down to vague "probably viral, probably post viral syndrome, ME, CFH" kinda things. We're off into the woods of medical unknowns. Marvellous. But I appreciate the honesty and am fully accepting of the limitations of our current knowledge. That I don't have a problem with, albeit it still leaves me in the shit. So next week a blood test has been arranged to try and...