Bork Slowly Borking

 Crashed hard last night. Very tired. Ill. All the internal alarms going off. Allergies up. Asthma up. Tingles. Ringing ears. All over bleh. Slept like shit. Waking up every few hours. Feeling ill. Headache. Dying of thirst. What the hell. Hum ho. Bad enough it made me contemplate my mortality. The ups and downs. I seem to be on a permanent wax and wane cycle, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I am sanguine about it. But have realised I don't particularly want to kick the bucket feeling truly dreadful. I guess none of us do. I'm ok with my mortality. I'd rather not be on fire at the time. Which. Eh. Is just reasonable I guess. Still. That I am getting ill enough again that it makes me feel like that. Not good. Eh well. Today I have taken it easy. Played games. Done nothing. And felt a bit better. The veil lifts.  But I'm still aware I am stuck in super slow motion. Message on the answer phone again today. Bleeping away. I press the play button, and again, I get such ...

 Pottered around today. Hazel stayed over. She came round the evening before to babysit Athena for the day of the funeral. Not that Athena super needed babysitting. But. Old lady. And I felt much better with her having the company of Hazel and Poppy. It's nice for my old lady. Hazel was great. Gave me a plan of things to do on Monday when I was out of it ill. Tidied a little. And kept an eye on Athena. It's nice having someone potter around the house. Even if they just sit there. Today we munched on some homemade toast with butter and marmite before we all went for a walk then I took her home. And for a moment there, I was at peace. Nothing that needed immediate attention. Didn't feel super ill. Peace. Quiet. A cup of tea warming my hands. Silence, except for the wind outside pushing around the still green leaves of my acer tree outside. I suppose the sense of peace makes a lot of sense. That whole closure thing I was talking about. A good thing done with the funeral. A lin...

It's been a week. Off and on bouts of pretty ill, to, eh, kinda ill. Yesterday was a nasty spike of nausea that got so bad, I was back in bed, and then asleep for half the day. If I can get to sleep, it's usually the best place for me. So true of many of my issues. The oblivion of sleep. Being ill yesterday was not great timing. Shit to do. Ducks to get in a row for the funeral today. My health had other ideas however. I gave up fighting it at midday and slumped into just looking after myself. It makes me more aware than ever that, when I am in a position that I can babysit my health, I can do better, and wax and wane with the good days and bad days. But when I have a thing to do, at a time, a day, a place. It's a roulette wheel. I just cannot guarantee being ok enough on any given day. It makes me realise just how crappy my health is at times. Hum ho. Today, the funeral, I managed to hold my health together enough. Put on a good face. And for the larger part shrugged off t...

 Curious. Seem to have gone backwards covid wise. The flu like symptoms are back and I feel under the weather generally. Odd. Thought I had shrugged that off. Supposed to be working this week, but, it's turned out to be a way harder proposition than I imagined. Went out for a walk yesterday, Athena was full of beans, well, for an old lady anyway. She continues to be in pretty good form of late. If she's declining at all at this point, then it is very, very slowly. I am very careful with her. She's kept warm, and comfy and interested. We go to very nice places to walk, and run, and sniff and paddle. She meets lots of dogs. She's fed the healthiest food. Gets her supplements. And I always have at least half an eye on her. She is treated with love and respect and gets to indulge whatever she likes - within reason. She's old enough and smart enough to be very familiar with how Shit Should Work. And so we never have cross words. And she is super smart enough that I can t...

 Things have slowly returned to.. eh.. normal is a bit much, but, cruising altitude. I don't feel great. I don't feel terrible. It'll do. Just give it some time. Get a chance to get out, go swimming, do shit, and see if I can't improve further. I do feel like I'm on the cusp of getting on my feet again. And in some weird aspects, the bout of covid has left me feeling a little... better.. in a few places. There were some anecdotes about people with long covid catching it again and feeling better in the aftermath. Perhaps it's that. Perhaps it's nothing. Funeral is next week. I dithered about what to wear. Bother. Not bother. Slightly bother. In the end. My mom always liked me being smart. And not so much less smart. In that old school notion of smart or not. So. I will try and make the supreme effort. Properly. We'll see how well I pull it off. Three piece suit. London tailored shirt. Clips. Stiffeners. Garters. Not really me. But I am sure my mom would h...

Not got much energy. I'm alright. Covid is all but done. Gastro is an utter shit show. So. It's not really the covid making me ill at this point, it's Everything Else. But still, getting better. Just. Tired. And not exactly hungry. But. That whole low energy because you haven't eaten much dealio. Mmm. At times my brain doesn't want to shut off. Trying to sleep last night. It decided to keep me up. Thinking about my parents. The stuff I lost. Life. Death. All of that stuff. Revisiting the really weird shit that I have in my family that just.. never gets talked about. Like half my family being off the radar entirely. For instance. Or that, that side of my family, has nothing to do with the rest of my family, because, you know, same mom, different dad. It shouldn't matter. But. I am the sole genetic connection to my dad. That he's in touch with. Everyone else - to my knowledge, he has now, cut off, or stopped talking to. This means I have a small army of cousin...

 Stabilised. More human. Last night was the first night I wasn't forcibly up either vomiting or trying not to vomit. I feel like I have a flu. Which to be honest is a cake walk. Easy. The underlying bullshit it's triggering is not so easy. But seems to be weakening every day. So. Good news. I haven't relapsed into a months long horror of suffering. Touch wood. Symptoms have been coming and going in quick succession. Yesterday was hella dizzy. Close your eyes the room spins. Tingles up the left hand side of the face. More all round gasto hell. It's interesting that it seems to be touching on a whole bunch of Greatest Hits earlier symptoms, probing all the weak spots maybe. It all seems very familiar however. Albeit. Quicker. Except for the nausea et al. Which seems to be in a constant state of battle. Eating is still very difficult. I am walking an impossible path of not eating enough so that it makes me feel worse, and eating a little so that it.. makes me feel worse. I...