Bork Slowly Borking

 Towards the late evening last night, I once again felt a little better. Ate a vegetable soup. And a small 2 egg omelette with some vegetables for protein. Got to sleep earlier, around 2AM. It it nearly 5 AM now. I have woken up. I feel sick. Nauseous. Weak. The cycle repeats. Except it's worse. I have got up to pee, go back to bed. But. Things are getting worse. I think this could finally be it, the dropping of the other shoe. Whatever fucky thing have been going on, something has now reached a critical breaking point. Something in me is now breaking out in a major problem. I feel very ill. I am going to try to get back to sleep. I think tomorrow will be the worst yet. I have an inescapable feeling that from this point on, it all gets blurry. Eh well. It's overdue. What a shitty way to go. As ever, perhaps the tide will turn and I will instead feel better. *doubt*

 Finally by 10.30pm last night I felt a bit better, and sat on the computer for a few hours feeling fragile. Despite having slept most of the day I soon felt tired, headed back to bed and there, tossed and turned restlessly until daylight, whereupon I fell asleep. I slept in the front bedroom last night, for no better reason than it's comfier, and I was up and down whilst trying to sleep, peeing. The bed is comfier. Less supportive. My shoulders ache in that bed, but, overall it's comfier. I woke up somewhere in the morning feeling smothered and awful. I got up for a pee, a drink of water, went back to bed. The next time I got up I felt very awful, sluggish and groggy. No doubt this is also the layering effects of my sleep apnea making a more forceful appearance. Nausea has been very bad today. It is now 7.30pm. It has taken me all day, dozing in and out to escape the worst of it, for my stomach to even begin to feel copeable with. A few times today it got so bad as to escalate...

 Struggling to make it out of bed in a day. It's bad. After 12 hours asleep today I made an effort to get up, be normal, do something. Within 10 minutes I felt so ill that I had to go back to bed. No choice. Hmm. It's now 8pm. Still feel ill. Better enough that I can gather a little thought to write this down. But not good. Unless I improve, this definitely feels like the crunch point. My eating has scaled to very little indeed. Eh well. I could do without being nauseous all the time for a starter. It would make the journey out a lot easier. No such thing as an easy path I guess. Sometimes a little glimmer of anger bubbles, the indifference of health services. It shouldn't be that way. No use grinding teeth about it however, and to be frank I have zero energy to do so. On the plus side, my gout has improved a little today after going through a very painful peak.

 Took Hazel home yesterday, was an iffy prospect whether I would feel well enough to do so. I pulled myself together enough in the evening and dropped her off home. The last few days in general have been very bad. My feeling of being unwell now pierces well into the evening and beyond. Everything is shit. I don't eat, I feel bad. I eat I feel bad. I sleep I feel bad. I rest I feel bad. And I get slower and slower to pull myself out of slumber, out of a horrible malaise. Today it threatened to be around the clock, all day. Permanently in a doze of unwellness. I struggled out of bed at somewhere in the evening. Bleary. Nauseous. Shaky. Ill. I determined to have a drink of something cool and sit on the computer for a while. Not what I felt like doing. But an act of stubbornness. Of trying to fight against feeling like shit. As I sat on the computer, slowly I started to feel a little better. But today has been awful. As of yesterday my gout has returned. Getting worse. Same place. Same...

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...

 Rough. Very rough. Hazel has been staying for a few days whilst the fireworks go on. It has been overall very quiet around my way firework wise. Hardly anything, and then, only some very distant pops. Poppy has been chilled. So mission accomplished I guess. Overall Poppy is struggling badly with her leg now. It's not good. It comes and goes a little, which implies some arthritis, but, something odd goes on with her shoulder. It sticks out. Feels almost like a break and a heal. I don't know. She limps badly on it at times. If it were me, I'd get her an x ray. But it's not. I've been doing pretty shit the last few days. More of the same really. Whatever ails me is kicking my ass hard. It's getting worse. Today I have taken an impressive 16 hours to get to a place where I can operate at least somewhat like a shit human. Some 14 hours of sleep. 2 hours of trying to warm up. It's not good. Severe aches across my torso. My eyes are a mess of stinging, irritation,...

 As expected, I didn't do shit on Tuesday. I didn't properly move until gone 5.30pm. And when I did move, I didn't move much. Long term this is going to be very bad for my already shit health. But it's a slow, soft, beguiling kind of slow death. One where you don't have to do anything. One that isn't dramatic. You just. Stop. And slowly rot. And fall into endless sleep. This is not unforeseen. It's just taken a lot longer to get to than I thought. But here we are. There is a little glimmer in me that wants to kick. Stop. Go for a walk. Yes. I know we don't have a dog. Just just walk around the block. Go out into the fresh air at least once a week. And once a week is ridiculously low. So I walked around the block today. This evening. By the time I properly moved today it was gone 5.30pm again. Dark. The air and the walk was nice. All other things aside. It turns out I like being out in the air and walking. If you had asked me that 5 years ago I would have...