Bork Slowly Borking

 It is now 7pm. I woke up for a short period in the middle of the day, did 10 minutes of work to finish something, spoke to Andy for 30 minutes. And then crashed back to sleep. I have been in bed 22 hours since crashing yesterday. Asleep for all but a handful of minutes either way. I am exhausted. And heavy. Slurry. Everything hurts. Pains all over. Ahh. This is like a redo of all the greatest hits turned back up to 11. This is hardcore wiping. Unable to function. Unable to do shit. Able to mask for 45 minutes then crash out again. This is why I cannot have a normal life. This is why I cannot have a dog. Or make plans. Or be anywhere near ballpark. I am not as bad as some with this bullshit. But on some days, I give them a run for their money. And other days. I operate on a 25% uptick from all out shit status. Ugh. This time round it's almost like a switch has been flipped. I pushed too hard. And  everything  suddenly deteriorates. Not just exhaustion.  Everything . ...

 Short. Crashed hard today. Worked a lot. I was weaving exhausted by just after midday. I could feel myself coming and going out of lucidity. That odd kind of submerged under water you get when you're super tired. But. I adrenalined up. Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. With work. And  burned . Hazel is off for a week to house sit her friends house. So she wanted the laptop. Still hopped up on adrenaline I took it over to her, still seething from work. But it was energy. Got to her place. Dropped it off. Had something to eat. And I started to drop dramatically. I started to feel ill in that vague borderlands of crashing exhaustion way that builds to a horrible point. I struggled to get to my feet to go home. On the way home, stopping at traffic lights, my attention can drop a little I could feel it. A desperate tugging at me. Can't sustain, can't sustain. My head weaved a bit. Lights change. Concentration up. I made it home literally gasping for air. Heart palpitations. Ok. Super...

 On the theme of quick approximations causing long term issues, versus putting a brake on things and considering things from all angles. It occurs to me this covers a couple of different related things. Quantum mechanics. Where before you measure a thing it is in a quantum superstate. Not one thing or another. It certainly exists. But not in a way you can relate to it. Not in a way that you can properly  frame  it. It rejects your subjective view point. Once you measure it, it collapses down to a given state. But. In the act of doing so. You have forever changed it. Also. Taoism. And the whole. You cannot measure the unmeasurable. Same deal. It can exist as the unmeasurable in some state that you can't get to. It is not within your context. If you are able to pull it into your context, your subjective bubble and measure it, it is no longer what it was. In the same way. Whenever we grapple with understanding something. We put it into terms we understand. We shift its state...

 I think a combination of sleep apnoea and CFS is driving me into the ground. I am doing my best - and to be frank overburning - to at times stay upright, but, I am slumping hard and suffering a lot. Yesterday I dragged myself out to visit Hazel. Drop off a book. And whilst there I crashed. The final bit of energy gave out. My brain filled with fog. And I couldn't move. At one point I just fell asleep whilst Hazel was on a phone call. The exhaustion is something else. It's hard to describe. For me personally, trying to compare it back to when I wasn't so fucked up, it's the equivalent of taking a point in time where I was the most tired I had ever been, where you get to that point where if you sit down you struggle to move again, but then, multiplying it out in some horrible way, where that exhaustion goes down to your very bones. I don't know how to describe it better than that. But you feel it. In every bone. It reaches deep down and feels like a dense weight AND ...

I'd like to make a statement about Peter Kyle, the Tech secretary. And before we get into it. Yes I realise the online safety act was initially sorted through by the previous government, but, it's still this government, and Peter Kyle that have seen it through and are defending it. My background is of course tech. Currently in my 4th decade of slaving away at the feet of the machines from lowly developer to the heights of chief know-wots. Mr Kyle is currently defending the new online safety act for the UK, using verbiage such as, if you're against it, you are siding with Jimmy Saville. A direct quote. Let's examine Mr Kyles technical background. He 1) left school without any qualifications whatsoever 2) took 3 times trying to get into Uni whereupon he studied Geography 3) He then spent the years working in aid, charities and so on, none of which even slightly relate to tech. Technically Mr Kyle has zero, and I do mean absolutely zero, knowledge, experience or even the s...

 Super not feeling it today. That crazy CFS static vibe where everything feels off by half a degree, ill in a number of different subtle ways, just crashing together to make you overall feel like you're balanced on a knife edge of keeling over. Disharmony. But also super down today. I think I need vitamins, anti depressants and food. Not necessarily in that order. My nerves have been zinging again.  I debated not going to therapy. Just. Staying curled up in a ball. I dragged myself out. Parked the car. Sat half in and half out of the car for a minute. Waiting for the static to subside a bit. The glimmer of energy to rise. Walked very slowly to the office. I was not in any way shape or form fit to be in a shrinks office. But, there is a small benefit to that. They get to see me when some of the lights aren't working properly. The shrink wanted to continue the talk about the "disruption". Ok. Personally. I was kind of done with it. I had maybe one thing to say and the r...

Low day all round. Mood matching my energy level. I am questioning a lot of the way I think, what I do, engagement with the world at large. I'm questioning whether any of it makes any kind of difference. Above just the random noise. Just more noise. Perhaps I just need to retreat and let time pass. The friend I have who works in charity has in the past related many of his experiences day to day with dealing with challenging stuff. It's not arguable that he puts his all into his work, sacrificing most of what anyone would consider stability in his life for this work. And his work matters. It can make a difference. But there are times when it perhaps make a difference but it gets thrown back in his face. In fact, I'd say, getting it thrown back in his face is if not common, then definitely part of the experience. It can be very hard to deal with. There are times when he has become so disillusioned with it that he questions what he's even doing. This is the other half of t...