Bork Slowly Borking

 Worked like a nutcase yesterday. Some real old school work around the clock nonsense. I decided to call it quits just before 7am. I felt ok. I did not feel ok later. Stupid. Hammered would be a good word. I groaned my way around the house. Eh well. Stupid is as stupid does eh ? Of late I have been drifting in and out of just going quiet for a while. Going dark. It's probably connected to the mood. Probably connected to just random interactions. You know how shit suddenly piles up ? Meh. Think I will do a lot of just shutting the fuck up for the time being. Shut the fuck up. Don't get involved. Don't try to help. Don't offer an opinion. Just. Shut up. And do the hermit thing. Even though I know better, and typically am pretty robust people wise, meh, I have to say of late, it's got to me. Too much stuff. I think that's the real downside of always on communications and an ever moving internet. Time to reflect and retreat can be a challenge. In any case. Time to g...

 Better days. Improved a bit. Rough around the edges. Uh huh. After spending 24 hours thinking about the whole shares and mom thing, I settled down once more into a status quo. It is what it is. Today, as it turns out, there's not actually that amount of money there. Decimal place in the wrong point. A lot smaller than the sum thought for. Which. Makes much more sense and is about what I thought should be floating around. So. It wouldn't have made no never mind anyway. Well. Kinda. It would still have been more than the £5 in her purse that my mom thought she had. Oh well. All in all, the money being a small sum after all is probably the better thing. Less wiggle room to be found in the past. Fewer what ifs. But it still dug up the ugly facts. Mmm. Meh. Time has been slipping away from me. Despite heading each of these posts with the date, I was surprised to find it was so late in November. Shit to do. Things to get sorted. Bureaucracy. Forms. Nonsense. The paperwork tax I need...

 Somewhat more stable yesterday. My health continues to waver like a unicyclist on a tight rope. The struggle continues. So. Yesterday. Got some serious news. I spoke with my brother yesterday, who, I have been keeping half an eye on recently, the stresses of life and random bullshit have been assailing him of late, and whilst he is absolutely fine*, you can tell that in someone who is usually a good deal more upbeat, when they start bumping around the cellar, shit must really not be good. A quick rule of thumb. In perennially happy people, when their smile disappears, pay attention. In perennially unhappy people, a smile not there is the normal, but when they start skipping on stuff, behaving weirdly, pay attention. It's a relative thing. Anywho, besides the point. So in the aftermath of the bureaucracy of my moms death, a letter arrived yesterday for my brother. Long story short, it's a bunch of shares that are quite the sum of money. Small house purchase sum of money. Which ...

 Better, worse, better, meh. All in one day. Ok. Wonderful. Moving on. This weekend a new Tarot deck arrived in the post. Yeah. A Tarot deck. Judging from the reaction of two people I know to this fact, this might be surprising. The immediate follow up question is then. Do you believe in it ? Define believe. Do I believe it's a supernatural source of information and wisdom ? No. Do I believe it's a condensed form of the human condition, hedge witch proto psychiatry in the long ages before we came up with psychiatry ? Yes. But really, I don't pick up Tarot decks for any special reason. Very very rarely I get the impulse to get one. And "do a few readings" for people, just as a bit of fun. I love the art on them - well, the ones I like. I love the aesthetics and the vibe and the witchiness of them. It's cool. In the same way I like the aesthetics of Halloween. If you're being that way, you might also suggest it's my Lee genes coming out. My 1/4 roma gyp...

 Just after saying the nausea had slipped into a more peaceful place, it ramped up and made me feel like shit again. I went to bed that evening feeling awfully ill. Fantastic. Yesterday I felt fairly grim. I pulled myself about. Did a stream or two. But. Ill. And yesterday. I have to say. I was tired. Not just tired tired. Tired of it. Tired of always being ill, or bouncing in and out of varying ill states. Tired of not being able to do shit. Tired of having to live my life so defensively just to try and eke out a bit of normality. Tired of fighting so goddamn hard. Just. End. Not a good place. Today, by some miracle, I am currently feeling a whole lot better. Slept a lot better. Zero awfulness on sleeping. Which has also made me realise. Massive problem - When I sleep much of my symptoms get so much worse. By morning I can feel terrible. It can take me hours if not the entire day to slowly drag myself into feeling a little better after a horrendous morning. Today. I have none of t...

 An improvement to well being. Ish. Mostly in the nausea department. It has subsided to very mild seasick at times, and at others, ok. Which has meant I am feeling generally better. On the other hand. The asthma has been doing a number on me. Really bad lungs overnight. Wanes during the day. Comes on again as the evening draws on. This is combined with a bunch of meh kinda allergic issues. I think the weather is probably having an effect, it has been pretty wet of late. I'm also super tired. And flake out pretty quickly. I think I need a thoroughly good clean of the house, get rid of any dust, clean everything. See if that helps. The CBD experiment continues, and I have been lapsing in dosing myself with it. I can't say I am noticing much difference, albeit, when I properly dose myself at night, I seem to feel better the following day. I'm also taking the inulin at this time too, which, it's either a coincidence my gastro has improved, or, the inulin is actually helping...

 Up early this morning. Giving the Hazel & Poppy a lift to the station for a two week visit to her dad down in Cornwall. Such things are not trivial for me to pull off these days with the old fluctuating health, but, important to do the thing, ease her super anxiety a bit with a no hassle lift, help out a friend. Suck it up soldier. I went and picked her up, she looked a little worse for wear and confessed she had got no sleep. Not good. Not good for a trip right across London on public transport with an energetic dog in tow. Oh well. I was calming in the car with her as her anxiety amped. Chill. It's ok. You have plenty of time. A soothing voice. Measured. Low volume. Just a purr of positivity to calm the nerves. I suppose somewhat akin to singing to a fretting baby. That shit works with people of all ages. Be calm. After a fairly uninterrupted ramble about her packing and Poppy and everything and omg where are you parking, and omg the taxis wont like it, and omg it's taki...

 I owe a post about Psych Analysis, but I got half way through it, kinda felt rough, fell asleep, and eh, haven't finished it. Good job. Felt ill again off and on last evening. Curled into an unwell ball. Dozing. Resting. Dozing. Very tired. Ho hum. Today amongst a bunch of crunchy work, I have been reflecting on the whole, people see aspects of you who they believe to be you, and can believe in and love or hate. And as I've tentatively concluded before, perhaps this is just it, people see what they see, and leaders or followers, heroes or villains, that is what they paint you as. And perhaps that's all there is to it. No such thing as an objective hero. An objective leader. Even though we like to frame ourselves and others as an absolute. Perhaps they are all just ghosts on the wind, and as such, they are the reality. One person may see a leader. Another may see a failure. Right at this minute with Twitter in meltdown it's easy to see that Elon Musk is different things...

 Had a small downer of thought this morning about my health. Let's not beat around the bush. Something is seriously fucky with me. You can argue about what it is. But it's there. A bunch of physical activities wipe me out. Any kind of illness wipes me out. If it usually takes a week to recover from, it takes me a month. If it should take a month, then it takes me three. My gastro is poised on a knife edge. And even on the days where I am doing better, I am not well, its just very copeable and I can ignore all the noise. I'm down to 2 days a week work, and I very much doubt I could do a full work week anymore. If you had to ask me, I'd say my immune system is struggling. 2 years in, with peaks and troughs, it's chronic. And it doesn't bode well for my future. That's the downsides. And there are times I struggle with it. I quickly become fatalistic about it. Can't I just die already. If I am feeling a bit more positive there is some light at the end of the...

 About the same as yesterday, maybe a tiny bit better. It's ok. Quite manageable. Started on the CBD supplements and can honestly say... I have no clue. Which after a single day is what you'd expect. No noticeable changes, although, I did sleep pretty good. So, test 1 - do these have some sudden major impact. No. They do not. And if they did, they'd probably be trouble. But still, a test is a test. I suspect even if they were to have an effect, it would be subtle. My expectation is 90% they will make no noticeable difference. But hey.  Then again. Hmm. My headspace is unusually quiet. Measured. Coincedental, or actual thing. I. Have. No idea. Ha. I guess the following days may shed some light. It is getting on for mid November. The arse end of Autumn. And my Acer tree in my front garden has not got the memo about it being very nearly winter. This year its striking change of leaf colour seems... not to be happening. It is, for the very large part, still green. And it's w...

 Today feels like the first day in quite a while that hasn't had suffering. I am definitely not 100%, but, eh, it feels a little better than the day before. Again. I am, it has to be said, eating pretty tightly, although yesterday, against my better judgement ( blame Hazel ), I did eat a Greggs sausage roll. Whilst I love them, I have kinda noted a soft negative effect after eating shit at Greggs. Not sure what it is or if it's real or coincidental. Anywho. Today. I am no worse for wear. In the whole mindset of, Johnny is on his own, if I don't fix shit, no one is, I have gone and bought myself some CBD products. I have been toying with the idea of CBD stuff for years at this point, continually doing my research, looking up the latest papers, and absorbing the whole pros and cons about it. The long and short of it is, that CBD most definitely has effects. For things like epilepsy, clear, no arguments, good effects. So CBD isn't snake oil. Or placebo bullshit. It does me...

 I picked up quite a bit last evening, nausea and feelings of ill faded, and I came up. It feels... amazing.. when it all drops away. Like coming out from under a terrible all encompassing cloud. But I know that just like the weather, it can change in a moment. Clouds clear. Clouds roll in. So it goes. Today I am feeling somewhat better, but hovering within spitting distance of suddenly feeling like shit. A delicate balance. It's tricky to know exactly what to do. Rest. Be active. Eat. Don't eat. Sleep. Guess wrong and you'll be in for shit. My life. I've had a slow developing realisation in the last few years that the extent of people with issues is not just limited to a few. Or a bigger minority. But is secretly, the majority. Of course, define "issues". As pondered over before, perhaps it's less of a realisation for me - that a lot of people are nuts - , and more of a sign of the times instead. Everyone has gone slightly mad. Or perhaps its both - I hav...

 Hard week. Feeling very ill at times, to mildly ill at others. Difficult to shake the after effects of covid, and my nausea and everything associated with it has been running riot. Long story short, I am losing every other day to illness. Literally. In bed. Sick. At the persistent well meaning nagging from a friend, I booked a visit to see the GP. Not without some contest. On the one hand, this has kinda been my plan. Go back to the doc. Report my nausea is still ongoing, and no, its not just "antibiotics" and all I need to do is take some "probiotics". Been there, done that, several months in, same problem. Force them to understand more shit needs to be done. And if necessary go private. On the other hand. I am feeling ill. With little energy. And the energy I do have I'd rather not go to the doc only to get a probable repeated episode of smashing my head into a brick wall. For one, it wastes my energy. For two, its incredibly demotivating, isolating et al. I...

 You should write a book, a friend said to me a few weeks back. He was referring to some of my latest musings and explanations to him, this time. He's not the first to say so. When I was younger, one person in particular used to tell me off for not writing shit down that I came up with.  Over the years, to cut it short, it's something I have struggled with. I much prefer to keep it all up in the air in my head. At this point. A stupidly large collection of thoughts, experiences, theories and bullshit. Enough in fact, that some of the starting points have begun to be lost to me. Uh oh. Oh well ! Anyway. Today. Theory of Mind. Well. I tried. A theory of mind mixed with anecdotes, quotes, allegories and self help. So. Me waffling on. Good job. This theory of mind is something I have been noodling with for a few months now. It's something that has been a vague background shape within me for a long time, but recently, it has coalesced out of the fog into something distinct. And ...