Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday was a good day. Positive. Felt, pretty good health wise, and was, *gasp* kinda happy overall. Which is a rare treat. And a positive sign that I must be getting better if my high water mark is shifting higher. Today. Not so good. And in the late afternoon early evening, pretty rough. Felt ill. Nauseous. Weird shit going on internally on the left. A heart rate that was bouncing around. And for the first time in weeks, a shift of tingles across the left side of my face. Suspiciously I kinda felt ill after hunching forwards for a while. I had the same feeling of unwell way way back in March when my sister drove me back home. I hunched forward in the back seat to talk to them. And after half an hour felt absolutely sick. I put that down to "the ulcer malarkey". Hmmm. On retreating to bed and dozing I felt *really* fucking ill. Like. Oh. I'm dying ? I just lay there, waiting, not stressed, not alarmed, just a sense of... relief. I am writing this now however. So. I d...

Tired as fuck. My own fault, stayed up way too late til gone 3am to get a chance to talk to someone who's a night owl. But. I can't do shit like that anymore. A few days on I still have a major sleep deficit. On the plus side the bad effects from it are less than they have been. I seem to be maintaining my slight improvement in stamina and fatigue. It's subtle, not a hop and a skip, hooray I am back to my old self. More of a nudge, oh, I am not wiping out as often and can do shit. I think this is the first time that an improvement is... properly noticeable. Just because you can complete a task and not flatline. So. Makes it noticeable. I am still being very cautious with what I do..kinda... with the exceptions of stupid outings to Oxford and the like. I'm just over the six month mark that the Harley St Doc thought I should have recovered by. Not recovered. But continuing to improve. That's one hell of a recovery time. Yikes. Pushed my luck a bit last evening, trippe...

 Yesterday went out to Coltishall, sat by the river. Let Athena have a sniff. Caught up with my in laws. "In laws". Heh. My other family. Complicated. Let's just say I count myself lucky to feel like I have more than one family. Today, played some games, ate some good food. I slumped in the afternoon, had to have a nap. But. Eh. Pretty good. Felt pretty good. Getting. Better ? Or just a blip ? Cycle up ? Wait for the cycle down ? That being said. My mood has crashed tonight. 1.55AM. And my demons have come out to play. Ares last breath decides to replay, over and over in vivid detail in my head. Brutal. I can feel all the guilt and doubt rise from the ashes again to plague me. Too soon. Tried harder. And how much I miss him. A solid horrible gnawing stone in the middle of my stomach. I count the passing days. 43. A month and a bit since I last saw him. And again I am thrown into the nihilistic abyss of what the fucking point of all that struggling is. What. At best I can ...

 Tuesday turned out to be a very long day. With a 7+ hour return trip, was probably a no brainer. But was longer than expected. Left at 10am ( after a chiro in the morning ) and got back at 11pm. I think all told I spent 9 hours in a car. Which was utterly stupid. But surprisingly I held up. Didn't flag. Kept on trucking. I was tired when I got home. But normal tired. Tired like normal people. Following day I didn't blow out either. Uh huh. Yesterday.. ehhh... I flagged. But not shockingly. Surprisingly I have held up this week. Hmmm. That's good right ? Don't get me wrong, I slept 13 hours last night. Ha ha. But eh. Positive. There are a couple of changes that have happened in the last 2 weeks or so. 1) I've stopped taking one of my meds. 2) My permanently fucked up butt... has changed. I'm wondering whether either or both of those has nudged a slight uptick in energy levels or not. My stomach has been pretty good for a long while now, so I have taken myself of...

 Relieved that yesterday ended. As I slipped off to sleep Ares haunted my thoughts, an ache in my stomach, then the oblivion of sleep. I don't think that's ever going to go away. I read some stuff on social media about people losing their dogs. Getting new ones. There was good advice. How they don't replace those passed. All unique. Still. It's not a headspace I want to be in. I'm getting better with it. Oh. So. Slowly. Still hurts like fuck and makes me cry. Ho hum. I'm like a broken record. Same shit. Different day. Today was better. Surprisingly I had some energy kicking around. Absolutely no clue why. Random bullshit. So I pottered through work, cursed at devs mistakes bringing systems down. Prettied up some things. And got some stuff done. Andy was probably in the best frame of mind for me today. Didn't bug or chase, but engaged. Sometimes I appreciate that he can just be calm some days. Not be an asshole. Sounds trivial. Isn't. Left side of my face...

 On the face of it, I look pretty normal. At a glance. But yeah. So not true. So this weekend, ended up playing a game for 7 hours or so - a new personal best in my Post Personal Apocalypse Year. Dog tired before I left to go. I was a bit worried I would just flake out. I took precautions. Napped for 2 hours prior. And felt truly terrible afterwards. Excellent. Took a handful of painkillers. And plenty of water. And I rode it out ok. It was nice chilling with people, albeit I was quiet. Got home, felt pretty ok. Today I have been a shit show. A general malaise of ill all day, peaking at nausea and too hot a temperature, tired, lethargic, blehhhhhh. Today's been my worst day I think. It's just an incremental ( or decremental ) step on the, I dont feel well scale of this week. Seems like I am thoroughly into downturn territory. Hopefully, it eases off soon. Perhaps this is the all too predicatble consequence of pushing it this week ? But in any case. The unwellness is real. And g...

 Busy. As foreseen. My nephew came down for an overnight stay. We played a couple of games. Before he got here I had noticed that my energy was declining, harder to get out of bed, and so on the day, I was struggling somewhat. I put  my best face on it, pushed - even though I am not supposed to - and got on with it. It was good to see him. I had a chiro appointment in the afternoon on the day he left. Oh boy. That was a struggle to get out to hit. Energy was real low. I went to bed 60 minutes before the appointment. Alarm on for 30 minutes. It went off. Felt so tired. Stuck it back on for another 5. Then another 5. Dragged myself out. Eesh. Kayley at the chiro chatted happily to me. She's been slowly visiting my recommendations around Norfolk ( she's a Londoner ). She's looking to go to Follys tea room soon as well. Ha. She's a lovely happy person. We always chatter when I am there, even when there's other people in the waiting room. It's nice. Tinnitus has crep...