Bork Slowly Borking

 Holy shit. If you want to glimpse into the shitty and bizarre health rollercoaster that is my life, then last night is probably a good example. So. Good news. My cough has eased off. Still there. But yeah. Calmed way down. All good. Last night I was pulled out of sleep by feelings of queasy. Alexa. What's the time. 1.14am. I suddenly felt too hot, and sick. Mmm k. Roll over. Ok. That's not going away, and now it's worse. This escalated pretty fast, and for once, unlike the other nausea, this felt like I was going to throw up. Got up. To the bathroom. Proceeded to have the shits feeling like I was also going to throw up. Ok. No vomiting. Clean up. Shower off. Back to bed. Ok no, really going to throw up now. Back downstairs. Heaved unproductively a few times, then, oh goody, the fun starts. Arms went like lead. It was very hard to move them. Tinnitus roared. And. Oh my. My vision is narrowing. I am going. To. Pass out. So there I am. At 1.25AM. Yet again. Crashed out on the...

 Cough went quiet overnight. It's finally gone ? No. Difficulty breathing this morning. Annnddd back it comes. Worse by each step as the morning wears on. I did take a dose of paracetamol AND aspirin last night. So. Uh huh. Maybe I need to keep dosed up. Anti inflammatories toning down the inflammation ? Aspirin thinning the blood and making the cardio more efficient and less gloopy ? Who knows. ( there is an interesting run away shit storm that happens when your oxy gets low and your cardio is so so, making your body create more blood cells, which makes your blood more gloopy, which can slow down your pulmonary, which pushes your oxy lower, which makes more blood cells... annnddd.. oh... wait.. ) Had a meeting with a client yesterday. Andy was in on the meeting. Talking about changes and important future work and yada. It was weird. Andy seems to be in full on denial mode. Like. Nothing has happened. That everything is tickety boo. Making plans for me a long way out. He half float...

 Whoa. A number of days. Cough. Or rather. Bronchitis ? ( or signs of heart failure, take your pick, even the experts can't tell the difference ) Is still here and very much kicking. Less coughing during the night. More breathlessness and coughing on getting up. A little. Iffy. In places. I skirted on a panic this morning. Chill. You know what its like not to breathe from asthma. Do. Not. Panic. Breathe. Ok. Cool. But yeah. If I was in the presence of an asthma nurse, they'd have their "alarmed face" on. I'm ok. It settles during the day. I think it's just a case of at night it gets backed up, fills up the lungs and no bueno. That being said. The evenings can be a little.. hacky. I briefly read something recently that said they had figured out why asthma was worse at night and overnight. I am guessing all to do with the varying rhythms and timing of your body and the circadian rhythm. Not been feeling super well either to go with the cough. Dizzy. Nausea. Tire...

 Blipping bouts of illness yesterday, today. Funny turns. Pain. Like. Ah ha ha. Beyond the cough and shit. Sigh. Always fucking something. The more I reflect on the random outages I experience, the more I realise that Whatever Happened To Me, has carpet bombed everything, and now, at random, shit just, flicks on and off. Wonky wiring. At times it blows out for a while before stuttering back. It is on the one hand, fascinating. And on the other hand its awful. Scientist vs Guinea Pig. It also heavily correlates with others experiences with the so called long covid. Interesting. It's quite high order defying of a very simple cause and effect. A lot more convoluted it seems. My cough has turned a corner I think. I hope. It. Seems. To have eased off.. a little. Just enough. Still an arse. But. Yeah. The new exciting kid on the block is chest pains combined with severe wooziness. Yayyy. Heart pains. At least. Right where the heart is. Ordinarily. Red flags. Read the advice. Go. See. A. ...

 Well. As it turned out I didn't make it through my birthday in radio silence after all. It leaked. And then my brother mischieviously added fuel to the fire. In a bizarre fate kind of thing, my brother has the same birthday as me. Just. 13 years apart. We had already said happy birthday to each other. He mischieviously then said it in public. As well. Uh huh. Ha ha. Anywho, ended up as a nice birthday. Genuinely. Nice. Which. Yeah. Is unusual. Got a couple of new houseplants gifted to me. A bag of cough sweets. Ho ho ho. Some chocolate. And yeah. Very cool ! I spent the day chilling - was going to work - ended up not doing so. Fed myself too much food. And just enjoyed chatting with people and stuff. Was good. I think. Probably best birthday ever to be honest. As humble a standard as that is. Moving on. I've repeated the work conversation and current state with a bunch of people - those that are interested and ask. The response is the same. Everyone remarks how *happy* I seem....

 Today is my birthday. As per usual it ghosts by pretty quietly. Under the radar. Sshhh. Except here you are posting it ?! Yeah sure, but, this is old information. Horses. Bolting. Stable doors. And all that. Too late ! I kinda prefer it that way - under the radar. I couldn't exactly tell you why. But I'm fairly certain it has a dysfunctional root. I could dig. But meh. I would guess something along the lines of birthdays were always a disappointment so I quickly learned to pay them no mind whatsoever. And then be awkward about even acknowledging them( which then also feeds into the whole very awkward about receiving any kind of compliment, *especially* those about my character ). Second hand shame perhaps. Which just reeks of an "interesting" upbringing. And if I really look. My birthdays are always a bit bitter sweet. I get a perverse satisfaction of it being unnoticed. Of me being overlooked. Good. Fuck you. Idiot. Yikes. Where is my rule #1, dont be a dick to your...

 Bad night last night. Cough got real ugly. Woke me up, kept me up. Sigh. And following on its tail the rest of me collapsed. Left side of face tingles, spacing out, all energy draining out of me. Left side twitches ghosting back. Meh. Today I have limped through the day. Not feeling well. Not like a cold not feeling well. But that oh so familiar tug of exhaustion and general malaise. My plans have gone out of the window and I have lapsed in and out of bed. My mood has followed and I find myself drifting in grey, watching time tick by, mostly not aware of the clock roaring around, occasional dips into the black. I have been spacing in and out of time today. Little things make me throw far back in time, to other places, when the sky was just that colour. The smell on the air was just that smell. I get vivid flashbacks to people that are now dead, places that are now long gone. Times from my childhood. Nothing happy there. Just sadness. And an awareness of how much time and shit has ...