Bork Slowly Borking

 Much better afternoon yesterday. Bounced up somewhat. Forced myself out to take Athena on a walk, and after that, was in an alright place all round, albeit, walked around the place with a very suspect stomach. By the evening, I was alright. Didn't eat. Which. Might have helped. I was talking to D in the evening about his work and our sometimes chats about the shape of society. This is the guy who runs a charity. I find talks with him can be really interesting and, actually make a difference. You're not talking about airy fairy theoreticals - well ok, sometimes you are - but more down to earth practical, how to help people, how that works in a late stage capitalist society and yada blah. I have to say at times I become really enthused about what he's doing and his attitude. I feel like being introduced to him has definitely... made a connection with me that was missing. I admire him for what he's doing, very selfless - arguably somewhat destructively so - but the how he...

 Difficult day yesterday. And I felt the queasiest I have so far, to the point, eh, can't ignore it. No bueno. So perhaps this is two sides of a similar coin. Come off the meds - have the whateveritisprobablyulcer - flare up. Stay on the meds have whateveritisprobablyIBS flare up. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. My mood has tanked. I haven't gone insane. At least not yet. But I am pretty far down the depression spiral. My meds are combatting it. Struggling to right the ship back to neutral numb out. So. I'm not down the spiral and getting deeper. This is unusual. Typically after I've been on the meds I can't get this far down. Hmm. Who knows. Admittedly feeling sick and a bunch of other symptoms do have the capacity to - gasp - not make you happy. Ha ha. See, I can laugh. Not all lost. The docs got back to me. Moved the date. So. Few weeks to wait for that. See how we do. I've got an uneasy scratch at the moment that I am neglecting everyone. Just...

 See. This is why my intellectual problem solving brain for all its cleverness capabilities can go just get fucked.  Today dropped like a hammer. No reason. No dreams. Or mood swings. Or events. Nothing. Today has felt like cloying miserable treacle. Everything feels off. Don't feel great in a general kind of way. No energy. Uncaring. Low level misery. I went back to bed. And stayed there for most of the day. Got up feeling equally shit again. No budging. A permanent shitty cloud over my personal space. So I did the washing up. Back ached. Got the trembles. What the fuck. Mmm. You can't outhink it Johnny. You can't placate it. Negotiate with it. Rage at it. Shit will do as shit will do. Everyone has good ideas. Do this. Do that. You should just <insert thing I've already done>. Heh. Ugh. Today I am tired. Perhaps it's all the work I did this week. I doubt it. But maybe. Maybe brainpowering for an extended period of time kicks the ever loving shit out of me now...

The days go by, similar pattern. Not super ill. A tad queasy rolling around the day. But nothing like it was. Sleeping seems to be improving, so, maybe my system is indeed getting a bit of equilibrium back after being off the pills. The queasy seems to be expanding slowly per day. A different queasy to what came before last week. Meh. I suspect I am just flicking switches on or off, with neither a great fit. Not heard back from the GP about a different appointment day. I suspect I have once again been lost between the cracks. I am not sure I can be bothered chasing them. I seem to be the only one actually doing shit regarding my health. So. Eh. Passport service sent me an email. Submission is stuck. Need someone to verify who I am. All in all this has been an absolute slam dunk. Both passport and driving licence were applied for with the pre-approved service, all details filed, professionals carried it out. Result. Fucked up in both. Amazing. I don't blame the Post Office for this....

 Not too bad a day again yesterday, although that being said I was again more than a little queasy in the afternoon. But eh. Still on the right side of the line. Just about. Hmmm. Slept a little better - perhaps the whole stomach thing is beginning to normalize.. maybe... - but a few sneezes and itchy mouth means.. mmm... perhaps the summer pollen is here. On the whole. Pretty good. I dreamt of Ares yet again last night. Twice. Two different dreams. No sadness this time. Just overwhelming relief he was back. Felt very real. Again didn't question the how. Just glad he was back. I gave him lots of hugs. If you were that way inclined you might imagine he comes to visit me in my sleep. If you're not that way inclined you can imagine it's me unable to let him go and or an expression of just how much he meant to me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for some people who lose their spouse after a life lived together. And is no doubt a factor in why it can be the case that one ...

 Another alright day yesterday. I had some chocolate in the afternoon... felt a litttttlllleeee queasy with it. Uh huh. And today my stomach has been. Eh. Alright. Slightly sulky. But eh. Ok. I am monitoring it closely. Stomach acid is definitely up. Oh yes. Oh boy. Had a bit of heartburn last night in fact. Uh huh. Figures. I did indeed take some ant acid before bed. Not sure if it made a huge difference. Felt like I slept a little better, but still woke up from an enormous depth. Hmmmm. Went for a walk with Athena today - she was popping about the house, full of beans, ready for an out and about. Managed to twist my ankle pretty badly whilst on the walk, lurch forwards and collide with a fence. Good work. It's been a number of years since I turned my ankle or fell over. It used to be a fairly regular occurrence. Every 6 months or so. On my ass. Or a fucked up rolled ankle. I used to do a lot more dog walking back then. But it wasn't always in the company of dogs. Long story s...

 Arguably my best day for quite a while yesterday. The general nausea and feeling ill has not returned, by and large, so far. Woke up today feeling like I hadn't really slept again however. Uh huh. Interesting. If it IS related to the whole stomach acid thing, I wonder if taking a shot of ant acid before sleep would help ? Another experiment to try. I got offered a free pup yesterday. Newborn mastiff. Mother rejected them. And all of them signed over to the vets. The owner had brought the mom in, needed a cesarean section, couldn't afford it, asked for the 2 year old mom to be put down instead. People can be shitbags. The vet - my friend - was unwilling to do so. Sign over the dog to the vets, they'd do the rest - but you no longer own this dog.. or its pups. The owner did, walked off. She relayed this all to me. Sent me happy pictures of pups and mom. Did I want one. Cute, but no. And it upset me. That people could be that much of a callous bunch of shitbags. It smelled to...