Bork Slowly Borking

 Had a slightly better nausea day again yesterday. It largely stayed away and when it did show up it was more of the I don't feel right, too stuffed, mild nausea type shenanigans. So better. But still fairly shit. So I had a little more energy yesterday. I actually made a simple roast dinner for the first time in.. since Christmas ( so what's that average out at, a roast dinner 4 times a year ? ho ho ). I also fiddled some more with the waste pipe situation. It turns out I've fixed the original problem, but a new/old problem has surfaced with the old pipes. At this point I think it needs to be pulled out and redone entirely. Which I absolutely don't have the energy for, so, will probably need a plumber. The leaky problem is way better than it was - to the extent it's usable - but it's something that should be properly sorted. I'm kinda pleased I fixed the original problem. Big tick. But then as is this way with cranky old shit that hasn't been touched fo...

 A little bit better today. The nausea was absent in the morning. Shocking. But as the morning turned to afternoon, sure enough it turned up, making me feel very ill, enough to make me retreat back to bed. And then I slept some. The nausea has hovered in a faint way ever since. Nothing too extreme, but also ever present, draining all motivation and capability to do shit. I have had worse. So. I suppose that's a thing. But it is also frustrating at the very least that it incapacitates me. I will need to chase the GPs next week. It's been a week and a half since I sent them a note asking for an appointment. Radio silence. I honestly wonder what the point of them is anymore. Apparently the GP and hospital service down where my family is is much better. They certainly seem to get appointments quicker and follow ups through the hospital. I wonder if it's more of a problem up my way. Certainly things like mental health services here are notoriously some of the worst in the countr...

Still here. Still shit. Yesterday was a bit better, less nausea, but still a lot. Today has been variable. Up and down. Nausea is a persistent issue and really serving to finish me off on top of all the other shit flaring up. Tinnitus has been screeching like a demon over the last few days too. So. That's nice. A lot of blips, zaps and twitches with the nervous system. Excellent. None of these are nice. Today I ventured out a couple of times between - and sometimes during - bouts of abject nausea. I made a shit stab at fixing the leak under my sink. I know what the problem is - the washing machine installers totally bodged the waste pipe fit. Now I have a non standard waste pipe problem to fix. They don't actually make the bits I need. Close. But no cigar. So after trying half a dozen different things - and finally now knowing way too much about waste pipe sizes ( why the fuck they don't make these things fixed on one standard I'll never know ), I think I will have to ...

 There is a new angle to all of this. Well. Not new exactly. The thought of suicide looms large. Not out of some fit of absolute emotional pain. But heres the different breeze. Because I am beyond struggling with the physicality of it. Even at rest now I am suffering all the time. There is no relief. It's no way to live. The very calm, rational, logical, perfectly ok thought to me sits in my head. Just end it. It's ok. You've tried. It's not getting better. The alternative is just suffering. No one is going to save me. It's not about cheering up. Or having company. Or stuff to do. It's about being in constant state of suffering to one extent or the other. I can plaster a mask on for short periods. Which is just a show for others. Not for me. I slump even harder afterwards. What on earth is the point. Not even just a, I don't know what the purpose of life is. This is a bona fide, I am suffering physically here. There is no relief. I don't know. It is com...

 Exhausted. Nausea every day. Back to peak bullshit. Worse than peak bullshit. There are points in the day, not even bad points anymore, where I am straight up diabolical. I lapse into an exhausted sleep at these points. And feel. Even worse. It is hard to describe. Everything is wrong. Aches and pains everywhere. A lot of nausea. Headache. Absolute exhaustion. Sunken eyes. Brain fog. Brain zaps. And a sense of doom. Absolute circling the drain doom. The tinnitus is at a screeching maximum. I flux in and out of this state. I am never feeling even slightly well. It has got worse this week from the slowly deteriorating point of a better couple of weeks. I don't know. I can't make food in such a state. I struggled today to make myself a plain jacket potato. Nothing with it. Just a potato.  Ho hum. It is not a pleasant exit. I can no longer even watch tv. It's beyond me. At better points I can just about manage this. I have struggled this week to do work. I have tried to be hel...

 Difficult day ! Today I have felt nauseous practically the whole day. Mostly a low level queasy state, which then ramped up by late afternoon early evening to a really shitty nausea which at times tickled a panic state. Bad. I muddled through some work today until my "sister in law" popped up asking if I was about and would I like to do something in Norwich. She was getting her car done. I felt queasy, ill, unwashed. But I agreed, and figured, fuck it, power through. Perhaps getting out, having something to eat, blah, would do me good. So I did that, we had a catch up, I had something to eat. And through the whole thing felt queasy. And cold. And blechhh. I did my best. And was social enough. But I did not feel super duper. By the time I got in my car to go home I felt awful. I had intended to go home pick up some work again then sleep. Yeah. No. I got home felt absolutely shit and hit the bed like a tonne of bricks. There would be no working. I felt sick. I spent a couple o...

 Today has been a day. Our problem dev sent an email today as spokesman for the whole dev team setting out his opinions on things as de facto direction. The tone was, meh. I also knew the spokesman for the whole team thing was not entirely true. To say this email annoyed me was an understatement. Already embroiled in my own thoughts about just quitting, this didn't help. Uncharacteristically for me I punched a wall in frustration. And went into some serious soul searching. I wasn't enjoying this. I was no longer liking being in the whole IT process and driving the company forward ( as little as I can do these days ). Work had become a chore. Something I haven't properly experienced in decades. And something I am not sure I can tolerate anymore. Not because I refuse to work at something that is a chore. But rather my own conscience wouldn't allow it. I am not going to just clock in, clock out, punch a card, go home. I haven't done that in forever. It's a horrible...