Bork Slowly Borking

 Struggled all week to not be at the bottom of a misery pit. Tinnitus has been screeching - louder than the tv - random pains, dizziness and a mood that is just above suicidal, zombie like. Marvellous. But just been enduring it. One day at a time. Try to keep some kind of schedule. On the plus side the fatigue has gone down a notch. I can potter about and not wipe out. But I'm still not pushing it. And I can feel it if I get tired, lurking in the background, waiting to chop me down. Got out to play a game yesterday which helped my mood quite a bit. Today finally spoke to the doc again. Bumping up the anti depression meds and trying that for six weeks before reassessing ( either to continue or try something else - although at this point I've been through almost every single drug ). Also going to have a physical exam for the tinnitus and dizziness and possibly get an ENT referral. Which is highly overdue, but I guess we have been working down the priority list of Shit Thats Wrong...

 My mood is all over the place. Sometimes it comes up. Sometimes it crashes down hard. Not much peace. Today has been a spiral down into some really dark territory. And I cannot resist the conclusion that it's just not worth it. Why the hell was I born. Who would wish this ? And can I please check out. But I can't. Easily. So. You just suffer. Fuck you. It's not just words. It's a bone deep wish. A horrible horrible depth of sorrow. And depersonalization. A lot. It feels like I am slightly out of sync with the world, with time. Nothing is real. Everything is slightly surreal. Everyone is behind a glass window. And that I no longer belong here. My time is done. Like a ghost but still present. Discussions about moving house, my neighbour moving, Hazel possibly moving, taking Ares to the vets for a checkup... has killed me. I couldn't entirely say why. The vet said Ares seems to be ok "considering". His liver function is... meh... they want to take him off th...

 An interesting read on BBC about what long covid ( or any post viral chronic syndrome ) could be and how its affecting people. It all does sound very familiar with myself. And perhaps crucially the mechanism is that the virus doesnt get entirely eliminated from a body. It lurks in the remote corners, sometimes for years, and messes with you in general. Uh huh. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210609-how-long-will-long-covid-last?utm_source=pocket-newtab-global-en-GB

 And then up. A small amount. Mood has slowly improved last few days. Improved. From abysmal. To barely copeable. Work was a real challenge this week. Just. Wasn't there. Trying. Unenthused. Dealing with the usual laundry list of incoming cockups of people unable to be consistent or follow specs or any one of a hundred fuckups that people just assume I'll tidy up after them. Meh. It's an ever area of extreme frustration for me that I have to be flawless or as close as damn it, and fix everyone elses mistakes theyre either too stupid or too lazy to fix. Johnny will do it. Unfair at best. Complacent piss taking liberty at worst. It doesn't help with my recovery. I am struggling to keep on top of my mentals. Pains in chest et al have subsided, which makes the mentals a bit easier. I am getting the ghost of a ghost of face tingles / tightness. It's gone at this point. Kind of. But some days I can still feel it. A ghost of an electric buzz and the left side of my face th...

 Mood has inched further down everyday over the last few weeks. Went out on Saturday to play some games which was a welcome respite. But still. Doesnt seem to make much of a dent. I noodle around with things and do my best to go on as normal. But harder each day to not just collapse. I think more than ever I am aware of the mind bending effects and reality warping my mental health has. Really aware of the weight dragging me down. Just riding it out. Teeth clenched. As you do. Me and half the rest of the world no doubt. I struggle a lot with the whole... I forget its proper name. But feeling out of sync with the world. I look at other people doing their gardens, pottering around, and it's like watching an alien species to me. I have lost the ability to relate to it. Like listening to some really abstract exotic math. I envy those people that are just pottering around. I've lost that bit of my humanity. Burned. I am aware this is a really bad place that I am pushed into. It is th...

 Awful last week. There were points where my mind was just skittering away from me. Beyond depression. Beyond anxiety. Into losing your mind. I guess it makes sense really. Suffer for long enough, put up with it long enough, and you'll start to just lose it entirely. Eh well. It reminds me of people that tortured in the short term will suffer and endure pain. Tortured in the medium term will also pick up trauma, PTSD, whatever you want to call it. Tortured in the long term.. their mind eventually breaks. Think I am toying with the long term. Yikes. End of last week I visited my brother. This is something I had been intending to do. But. For one reason or another cancelled / was holding off. I was waiting til I felt better. Except. I wasn't feeling better. Andy pushed me to just go anyway. So I made sure my brother was ok with it. And went. It was a good weekend. Hard in places. But a change of scene. Getting looked after a bit. Talking about the future. Shifted me a bit. Into a...

 Time is doing that weird fast slow thing for me. Lengths of time can seem endless. And yet the days whizz by. I have been hardcore struggling this week. Spending a lot of time in bed. Trying to not spend *all* my time in bed, but jesus the pull is strong. Getting a lot of heart aches that come and go, and flares of dry mouth and sweating and yada. I am *assuming* at this point these are some form of panic attack. Even though I'm often dozing at the time. Hitting regular times for things has become a challenge. I have to clock watch to get at least the tiniest bit of ordered day semblance going on. Otherwise things slide badly. I'll be honest. The days have been pretty horrible. I tend to start improving as the evening wears on, and by say, 10pm, I feel.. ballpark normal, where I can look back on the day with a mostly clear head and puzzle out wtf is going on with me. I'm getting super tired at the moment. Even with all the sleep, by the time early evening rolls around, I f...

 One step forward. Three steps back. Hazel went home this week. She's best man at her friends wedding this week with lots of stuff to do, which is nice. She was worried about leaving me with the mutts - you can't cope. I reassured her I could. It was fine. She seemed split between wanting to go home and not wanting to go home on a deeper level than just leaving the dogs. I don't know. I talked to her about it somewhat, but she didn't open up. My mood started going downhill before she left. Had some tiring bad days over the weekend. Ended up sleeping a lot on Sunday. I had a look at someones laptop over the weekend when I wasn't feeling so hot. Eh. Yeah. I'm probably an idiot. But I help where I can. As of this week mood is at times circling the drain, anxiety has come back, not as bad as it was, but still pretty bad at times. Meh. The goddamn scars and trauma of the start of this year are pretty damn deep it turns out. Physical symptoms seem overall still somewh...