Bork Slowly Borking

 Hmm. So the gaming today was good. Better than expected. Game was cool. It lasted 9 hours. Which was too long. I went wonky about 6 hours in. I can't say for sure what it was. Caffeine. Low sugar. CFS. FND. All of the above ? But it kicked in. The shakes. The room went woozy. My head fogged up. Nausea. Everything went jittery. And I could feel my body toying with pushing a big red button, kicking in the sweats and just going for a black out. I gritted my teeth. And it got worse. I decided I needed to do something. So I asked Sam for a slice of bread. I dont know. To calm the stomach. Counteract the bullshit. Low sugar ? Something. Who knows. Sams a good lad. Made me a sandwich, gave me a peanut bar. Ha. Some people are truly lovely and caring. Sam is one of the people I love. In that weird and funky way I now have.  It eased a bit. Enough for me to keep on keeping on. Despite the .. bullshit.. I was still happy to be there. even though at times, I just blitzed out a bit. Yeah...

 I seem to be bouncing between feeling like shit, and doing a bit better at the moment. Within a single day. Yesterday I went through 3 or so peaks and troughs. It's quite stark. And quite weird. And seems better of an evening ( at the moment ) and worse in the day. My mind also skittered a few different "mad" directions as well. I can hardly put  my finger on it now. But one of them was the very real feeling of everything kind of connected - not in a happy clappy warm, we're all one kinda way, this was just a cold, nihilistic, all the same revolving material - nothing really mattering, and being trapped in a repeating decaying pattern with life being a pasted on shared delusion of sorts. It wasn't an idle thought experiment. It was a bone deep in the moment thing. And I could feel my head being... yeahhh....a little.. or more than a little... unhinged. It passed. But hmmm. Friday as it turned out was listen to peoples problems day. I ended up spending more than 4...

 Feeling kinda better all round. But tired as hell. Fatigue kicking in. Can't be arsed with work. I've definitely lost my mojo for it. Achieved a fair bit this week one way or another with work, but eh, yeah, my mind is elsewhere, and work has become a chore. I don't feel part of it. I've got a meeting scheduled with Andy next week to talk about strategic stuff. I have it in my mind to just level with him about the wrongs I think are going on. Some brutal truths. It will be pretty critical of him. He's a good guy in many ways. And in some ways, not so much. I am honestly not sure what the outcome of it all will be. I can imagine me just walking away at that point. It depends how he reacts. Perhaps unfairly, if he doesnt admit to the fairly obvious at this point shenanigans, I will just put that down as blatant disregard for the truth, and I think my mind will finally be very sure of just walking away. No qualms. Ok.  I suppose, as sometimes I do, I give people enoug...

 Bzzzzt. *signal* Bzzzt. Like a crackly radio with its tuning coming in and out of focus, that's been my state the last few days. Ok we can do some stuff followed by, mmmemeeehhhh. But. Better overall that I have been in the last few weeks. If you average it out. Squint. Ho hum. This weekend I have gone back to sleeping quite a bit. Flaked out mid afternoon on Friday. Slept. And on Saturday. And today, Sunday. Sleeping anything from a quick one - an hour - to an extended one - 3.5 hours. My life slips away in sleep. Could be worse. Headaches all day today, growling around the front of my head, sometimes really *weird* headaches, which, I'm hard pressed to explain. Sigh. Oh God. Been struggling to do "Nice Things". Work on some miniatures. Work on some art. Noodle around. Hard. Do it for a bit, get wiped out. Rinse and repeat. Feel.. a malaise creeping across a lot of what I am doing. I grit my teeth and do it. I have realised that the pattern often seems to be at the ...

 Still here. \o/ Bumpy. Difficult. Scraping the bottom at times. But I've started to surface again. Which is.. fairly remarkable. As the day has worn on today, I have inched better and better. Still not great. But eh. Workable. Sigh. Holy shit on a meta level am I sick of constantly fighting for my goddamn sanity / life / whatever. Does it get easier at some point ? Please tell me it gets easier ? *doubt* Took Athena to the vets today for her regular shot. The vet. Was. Not super cool. She was surprised there were no issues with Athena. Nothing else to report ? No worries ? Concerns ? No. She's good. She gave her a once over, nothing really to note, vet was surprised how much "go" she still had in her. Lively. Active. The problem was the tone. The constant implication was, well, we're surprised she hasn't clapped out yet. Yes. I get it. She's old. Can we please not fucking frame it that way and just be happy that she's healthy. I don't need fucking...

 Physically a bit better today. Not great. But alright. Mentally. A lot of numbness. A few points of normality. A lot of down. A few skates around and through properly crazy. I've started scratching at the borders of reality again. I can feel myself disassociating. My kitchen earlier felt so surreal. Like. Nothing was properly there. It was all an illusion. A fake. Some weird simulation that didn't quite work. It was obvious. So. Unreal. How. Do I escape ? Let me out. I am not enjoying it here anymore. I looked down the length of my house. So odd. So disconnected. A fake. A fake where all the people live. But I don't. Someone else would come live in this house. I would be out of phase, like a ghost. Weird thoughts and tangents spin off out of my head. Like walking behind stage at a theatre. I am trapped. I can't escape that physically I am limping along. And mentally already fucked, I am now double fucked. Everything just seems to be a stall for time. Why. Why. Why. I c...

 A bit better of a day today. Good enough to stay out of bed. But the shadow of unwell haunted me all day. I could feel it, loitering. So I took it super easy. By mid afternoon I ventured up to potter around. Pot some plants. Spray paint some more minis. I wiped out potting 5 plants. -_- Body ached like I had just done some intense gym session. Dizzy. Holy shit balls. So. Feeling a bit better. But it has cast a very long shadow over my mentals. I feel like I have sat down beside Death again. You have no future. Just a matter of time. All in all, a big step back. Some of Andys comments on Friday continue to annoy me. "We paid you as a contractor whilst you were ill, we didn't have to do that". Well. Bless your lovely heart. I think my longest stretch off was 3 days. I literally worked whilst I was dying. And Andy clipped my wages for one month. Couldn't afford it. For the record everyone working there gets no sick pay. Its all statutory. For an IT company. Thats pretty...