Bork Slowly Borking

 Feeling not terrible today. Huzzah. I have been reflecting this morning, that the last few weeks have been... unintentionally, unplanned, quite full on. From one drama to the next. From one serious event to another. Some of them don't make it to this blog. Many do. Some heavy shit all round. And perhaps more to the point, not just focused in one area, with one person. No no. All round. Different people. Different situations. Unconnected. But. All seeming to come to a point where they at least need some.. care and attention, if not outright full blown Sorting Shit Out. Hmm. Where, you might ask, is my rest. I don't know. But soon ! April. Take April off. Do nothing. Sit on ass. I am going to try quite hard to NOT full the time with... actually being busy doing other shit. Properly. Sit. And do. Nothing. I pretty much expect I will fail. But I'm gonna try. And see what results it has. Experimentation ! This evening, if I can not flake out energy level wise, I am gonna talk t

Another sensitive subject for today. Oh, and having written this, jesus this waffles on. This is me, just, re-iterating and sorting through things in my head. If it makes no sense or drones on, sorry about that. Which raises a point about this blog. This blog, is, first and foremost, a cathartic writing down of whatever shit is in my head at the moment. Go ask a shrink. They recommend doing this stuff. They say something about the putting it into words, getting it out there changes it, makes it go through different bits of your brain, kicks it out of the door, and yada blah etc. Are they right ? Like a lot of things in this arena, if you hold your breath waiting for absolute 100% scientific repeatability... you're gonna asphyxiate. Then again, even for somethings that lie fully within the scientific sphere of influence, experiments are notoriously wonky. I can remember the rule of thumb in physics being, yeah, if will often fail, but uhh, honestly, it should do X. We were encourage

 Did all the things yesterday. Was. Ehhh. Mostly ok. Went for a walk with "all the girls" ( Poppy, Athena, Hazel ) through the woods, was nice, bumped into a lot of other pooches. Athena found a big mastiff type and they kinda of riffed off each other. Oh. You're kinda like me. A bit. Wanna box ? So they rough housed - gently - with each other. Athena is an old girl but still game. Athena has a thing for cigarettes. Pause. Yeah. I don't know why. But for the longest time she has always ferreted out discarded butts.. and then promptly eaten them. Usually with howls at her to stop that, drop it, don't eat it. Which works 50% of the time. She does have very good drop skills - you can get her to drop something if you tell her properly. But cigarette butts. Ohhhh. There's a challenge. She even ate a friends half pouch of tobacco once. Gobbled. Secretly. We only found out later when he went to make a roll up and had an empty spittle covered tobacco pouch. I can only

 Friday. Ooh. Ahh. Unff. Yeah ! Feeling a little worse for wear today, but, on the whole, I'm alright. So yay for that. I'm actually doing some work today. Voluntarily. To get shit done. This is me being a conscientious professional. Yeah yeah. Work life balance. Being taken advantage of. Not resting. This is 100% my call, and something I felt needed to be done. Let's get this shit done. That's part of who I am. We get shit done. And this is ok. I am a grown up. The comments from my friend rattle around in my brain. I'll be honest some inner part of me burns like a super hot white flame at the fucking outrage of it all. Fuck you. And the horse you rode into town on. Some friends who know both of us had things to say. Brutal. But not about my behaviour. There was one wise thread that came up however. I was told I was the better person here. "Better". Or putting it another way they said I understood the waters I swam in. He did not. Out of his depth. Struggl

What a faboo day. So my previously radio silent friend turned up today. Just back from America. And we had a huge brutal argument. A first. And the last. All the shit that had been sitting there since the start of the year came out. Talked about. And it was ugly. I honestly didn't intend it to get ugly, but, I found what he was saying to be... outrageously mehhh. I wont go into the super ins and outs. Some highlights - he categorically denied that he had "fucked my life about". I was told that it hadn't fucked me about. Told. In no uncertain terms. How dare I say it had fucked with me. Apparently he gets to decide that, not me. What. The. Fuck. You don't get to decide what has fucked with me. I'm sorry but that fucked with me. Mentally. Practically. Professionally. Existentially. Take. Your. Fucking. Pick. As a recap, I will list the emotions ( on the emotional side of this pile of shit ) I said it engendered back in January - "Disappointed. Betrayed. Ang

I'm in an expansive mood today. One of those moods where my consciousness expands out to encompass everyone and everything and I come up with plans to fix everything. Heh. I know. Fucked in the head. Amirite. I'm wavering on the edge of being pretty ill, but I'm not quite. On a hair trigger. I am trying - very hard - not to set it off, or do anything to plunge me into bullshit. Be zen. Breathe. Listen to the heartbeat of the world. See. Expansive mood. Example. The world has got worse. This is not my opinion. This is me observing the common refrain of the youngers. The planet is on fire. The rich get fatter. The poor suffer harder. People are living on the edge of being without a home, a job, a purpose. Politics are ever more corrupt, rationality further away, and everything is going to shit. I don't disagree. It's pretty crap. There is a hopelessness about the modern world. I saw someone comment that "it felt like since the year 2000, everything was stretched

 Where to begin. Let us start with my health. Somewhat better on the Friday, enough to get me down to my brothers and be alright. Worse on Saturday. Worst still on Sunday. Not so good on Sunday at all, I took to bed a couple of times, for a few hours a piece. Nausea. An extremely badly stuffed head and dizziness and blah. Ill. Tired. Really shit. It crossed my mind I would not be able to get back to Norwich. That bad. On Monday I peaked. I felt. Not bad. Drove back home. Went for a walk. Tired. But felt ok. Played games. Today. Tired. By late this afternoon, diabolical. I looked in the mirror - two deeply blacked up eyes stared back at me, a pair of dark lines extending into my cheeks. Like the living dead. I decided to go to bed and rest.. and fell asleep.. for a couple of hours. In and out of shallower bits of sleep, a fluttering chest, a spinning head. So odd. So deep. It felt like at times I was fluttering in and out of being alive. Almost, but not quite, getting to that edge of no

 I burned out with work yesterday. Spluttered into comatose. Not entirely helped from pushing out a release before 9.30am, helping our dev(s), talking with a client, and.. so on.. whilst trying to do something crunchy. I flaked out hard by midday. The brain wouldn't engage. Sometimes if I (short term) burn out like this, it's like the wheels spin, but they cant touch the floor. You can force it, and you do stuff in fits and bursts and fizzle out again. Spluttering. I went for a walk with Hazel in the afternoon. I felt like absolute shit. Shaky legs. Stuffed head. Nauseous. Cough cough cough. So much for the better start to the day. On hearing this Hazel asked if it was the best time for a walk. Yeah. Sure. You're right. But I just have to do shit, regardless of how I feel. I briefly related to her how I was really rough this week. Circling the drain. In that holding pattern waiting for something to pop and the docs to finally say, oh It Was This All Along. Yeah. Thanks. On

 Yesterday was mehhhhh. Nothing truly terrible in the great scope of things. But. Yeah. Not good. I woke up feeling... weird. Under a pretty heavy unwell cloud cover. Like being wrapped in a cloying, ill, duvet. Muffled. Shitty. Meh. I proceeded to work my ass off and crunch through some seriously complex coding. Ha ha. By 4pm I was wiped. I was buzzing. Literally. Buzzing. White noise tinnitus, stretched too thin, unwell, exhausted, nerves jangling, twitchy, dizzy, dizzy, always dizzy. Head stuffed with cotton wool. Whoa. Super cool. Also horrible. But. You know. Hey. Did you know humans could do this ? Fascinating ! Are we going to have a fit ? Die ? Collapse ? Excitement. Note it down ! Oh boy do I feel like garbage ! Always the guinea pig. So I had a super early night. I mean like. Asleep by 5pm. Then awake for a bit. Then asleep again. Then awake, then asleep until 5am. Then roll over and sleep again. Ha. Throughout it all I am dizzy. In bed. Awake. Up. Working. Doing shit. Dizzy.

 Early night again last night. Retired away from the computer and did a small amount of painting letting some weird film play in the background. It could be a coincidence, but, I feel a little better doing this. Today however, bleh, feel very off, unwell, not great. Last night I was pulled out of sleep again feeling... queasy. Not again. Alexa. Whats the time. 1.25am. Oh goody. Roughly the same time as the last Event. I rolled over and tried to ignore it. This time it didn't go apocalyptic on me. Ho hum. Perhaps that has taken its toll on me today. My black eyes - never fully gone - have returned with quite some vengeance. Pissholes in the snow. And I can feel them in that way that you can when your eyes get really shitty. Meh. And the twitches have gone up a notch. As has the tinnitus. Ha. Jeez. The thought has now crept into my head that I may need to cancel the end of week travels if I still waver and feel like shit. I don't know though. It's pretty rare that I travel wh

 Feeling a little better today, but still like I'm circling the drain. Started the day pretty snappily, unusual for me on a Monday. By 10.30 I had rolled back a system, coded an update, tested it, released it, tested it again, added some extentions for future proofing and emailed the client about it... with screenshots. Productive. Also. Super fucking star level of output and competence. I CC'd Andy. It's my passive aggressive way of saying you don't matter. Ha ha. You only deserve a CC. The rest of the day I nursed my not so great health and noodled with javascript - went for a nap at lunchtime, and then because I felt so crap, decided to do some pretty hard cardio up a local hill with Athena. Because as my fucked up thinking goes, if I am gonna blow a fuse, let's get it over with and let's blow a fuse by doing something phsyically demanding and hard on the cardio when you feel like garbage. Clearly however, I survived. Disappointing. After the shakes and blegg

 Tired, fragile, not feeling too great today. But at least it's not on the floor passing out, amirite ? My mood has settled into a sub par cruising altitude, stuck in the doldrums of being ill and continually churning over my mortality in the background. I'm going to cark it. That's bad. I'm going to cark it. Eh. That's alright. I'm going to cark it. You know, I am glad I am around still to experience today then. So it goes. I roused myself lunchtime to go pick up my laptop from Hazel. I really needed to get it back home and start copying stuff over. But boy. Was I not in a good place for it. Meh. Fuck it. Suck it up soldier. How much worse can it realistically get anyway. Hit the floor ? Been there, done that. So I did that. Ended up staying longer than I intended copying a stubborn hard drive for Hazel. She had tried, stepped through it with her boyfriend, got the tools. But yeah. Didn't work. It can be like that for System drives. So I stayed a few hours