Bork Slowly Borking

A period of a few days of relative calm. I got ill again last evening. Sick. Off. No discernible pattern. I ate exactly what I ate the day before. Who knows. I am eating wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less. I would guess I am struggling to hit above 1,000 calories again. But I am not counting it. Or particularly worried. I eat when I feel hungry / not sick. I am drinking lots more water. I am pretty sure I lapse into periods where I just forget to drink. One of my special talents. Like much else. I can just switch it off. A pretty stupid talent. Anywho. I am more than grateful for a few days of relative peace at least. The bout of sickness perhaps heralds an end to that, but eh, I am being very careful today. I can feel my system is again very fragile. Doesn't want to eat. Silver lining, almost a perfect weight loss inducement. Get ill ! Feel like shit ! Nausea ! No appetite means no weight gain ! Heh. The weather of late has been blessedly mixed and mild. No stupid heat. Some nice sunny period...

 The last few days have been bad. Tired, ill, depressed as fuck. All working in a feedback loop with each other. There are moments where I pop out above the surface, like a bottle thrown into the sea that suddenly breaks above the waves. A gasp of air and sunlight and then beneath the tumult again. Strange. The relief of that brief gasp of air is tangible. The descent back horrific. Sometimes it maintains for an evening. Or half a day. A reprieve. Everything has turned into a bit of a blur of suffering. And yesterday I started to hardcore lose my grip on reality. Again. A dangerous place to be. Every thought, every.. thing.. becomes strange.. surreal.. dark.. awful. It's hard to describe. There are no normal thoughts. Everything is distorted. Even the most mundane of things. Taking a breath. Sunlight through a curtain. It's all twisted. And awful. Like a head full of whispers. But. It's you. You cannot feel *any* of the touchstones of reality. Not of where you are, a bedroo...

 It would seem that I have slumped into a proper deep depression. Whilst on my meds. That's a first. Admittedly it's not the usual descent into hell, the roll of the dice about how nuts you go first, from somewhat to .. total... Been there, done that. Repeatedly. Not good. This time that has been.. mostly.. absent. Which is not to say I've been perfectly sane of late. Some days more than others have been a struggle. Super amounts of disassociation. But. Not literally beating my head against a wall or wandering around outside in a daze ( yikes, did that last year. Big yikes.) This time I've just slumped into a debilitating ... depression. I kinda clocked it today. Oh. Wait. I know what this shit is. That perpetual state of low level anxiety combined with misery. A state so intense you have that physical manifestation, the stone in the gut, the weight on your shoulders, that awful feeling of something traumatic you've just been through ( even though there isn't an...

Up and down. Ill, not ill in a 24 hour period. Hyper. Crash. In the same period. And lapsing a lot into silence. Kinda done with it all. I am struggling to get even basic things done, sometimes I have a fit of activity, then, nothing. My meds prescription has languished at the pharmacy for over a week. Just. Can't summon the motivation to get them. My heating is still on the fritz. Cannot summon the gumption to get some goober in to look at it. My motivation for stuff has dropped. I am noodling here and there with art. But. It's fairly methodical. I am not enjoying it. Just. Doing the thing. At the continual gentle "nagging" from a friend, I put in a request to rehome a dog. A boxer. I very much doubt I will hear anything, and, I am still far from convinced it's right for me, but, if he's stuck with no other home, I can give him a place. I am aware that I am better with a dog in my life. It forces me to be at least for moments, a happier, sillier version of me...

 A few days of not feeling too bad. Far from perfect. But eh, I'll take it. The trip down to the office on Wednesday went ok. Journey was a horror, traffic all over the show, an hour and 50 trip was turned into 2 and a half hours. Coming back home in the late afternoon I was knackered. I think that's the longest time spent in a car in a single day I've had since becoming ill. And it was super tiring. Whilst down there Andy did a bunch of soft peddling reverse asking. How were the two days working out. How was I doing for money. Are you ok. He wouldn't mind if I wanted to throw a few more days in for money. Yeah, fine. Because. He would like it if I did three days. Uh huh. Maybe three days every couple of weeks. Uh huh. So we actually get to it. I thought about it more than I should have. About 20 seconds. It seemed so reasonable. Clearly he was struggling. Not interested I said. In hindsight it has underscored once again, this aint my path. It's good money for Andy,...

 Yesterday amazingly, I had a good day. The GP bullshit did not affect me, and, gasp, I didn't feel ill all day. Amazing. Correspondingly, I felt good. Reached out and chatted to a few people I hadn't messaged in an age. Today. Eh. Less good. Off. Slightly ill. A bit more bleh. But. Eh. Ok. Enough. For some reason I can't remember, I found myself dwelling on Ares again today. Really bad. My brain, blurs some of the details, refuses to give up crisp details of other things. And. Delightfully. Likes to invent new things to torment myself with. I think it was the chocolate thing. I saw a picture from a vet surgery quite a while ago, where they had "Hershey Kisses", american (disgusting) chocolate drops. With the caption that all good boys should know what chocolate tastes like before they go. Basically. They'd feed a dog a chocolate treat before putting them down. ( You dont feed dogs chocolate normally, or at least, you shouldn't do, it's something they ...

 Doctors this morning, not my usual one. And a textbook example of absolutely not giving a shit and just getting you off the list. You've had all the tests done she says. Ignores the fact I am telling her I am ill every 24 hours. You might find changing a diet to a simpler one helps. Literally after me telling her I've done a bunch of elimination diets and all sorts of tests. Stay away from fat she says ! As I just said. I've done low fat, high fat. The fat seems to make no odds. It could be the divertculitis she says. Yeah. But no. I saw where that was - lower intestine - they showed me that at Harley street. Not where I get the pain. The only thing she did was change the 30mg of stomach meds to 2 x 15mg of meds. So I could alter the dose as I felt like. That's it.  Ignored the fact I was struggling to do two days work a week. Losing chunks of every day. Yada blah blah. Excellent. Basically. She didn't listen to anything I said. Saw I had a bunch of tests. Saw I ha...

 Ill for much of yesterday. Queasy. Blerp. Ho hum. I didn't eat a huge amount during the day, but still felt sick. Ate something in the afternoon. Eh. Not much change. Hmmm. I am getting a handle on how much this actually affects me - it's very debilitating. It literally carves chunks out of the day where I am a write off. I feel so ill that I can't think straight or concentrate. And I go to bed. Where, inevitably, it gives me relief for a while, from the ongoing bullshit. For other periods of the day I grit my teeth and my concentration wobbles as the feeling of illness waxes and wanes. It is. No bueno. Today is the first day in a while that I haven't felt horribly ill. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel terrific, fragile, bruised. But. So far. Not that super bad I have to go to bed.. again... type feeling. Whether it lasts. Pfft. Think I might just stick to water today. Not even tea. Blerg. It's messing with my head. Everything you think about eating feels l...

 50 50 day yesterday. Half of it ill. Half of it not. On reflection I am struggling to keep an upright ship at the moment. I realise I am doing a poor job of looking after myself - my energy I think has been going into Athena - and stuff around the house has fallen behind again, I am in and out of bed, med schedules are non existent, and, eh, yeah, all... a bit... sketchy. I wonder if it was something I ate on Monday that has kicked off several days of bleh. Something spicy. I did eat it with a side bar of knowledge that ooh, this may affect me, but, probably not, pretty sure I've had this before. Yeah. Uh huh. Belatedly I wonder if oh, ah, yeah, maybe that wasn't good. I also wonder if I am getting slowly worse in that respect. Eh well. If it is just something I ate on Monday, then, silver lining, don't eat that again, problem solved. I also think on reflection that if that's true it would definitely fall into an IBS type pattern. An attack for several days. In my cas...

 Yesterday was pretty horrific. Woke up feeling like shit, noodled with work for an hour before being so ill, I just couldn't do it anymore. Went back to bed. Got back up at midday, felt pretty shit still, limped through the afternoon working, but by 5pm I was very ill again. Back to bed. I stayed there til around 9pm. Got up. Felt like shit. Jesus christ. Slowly, oh so slowly thawed out until by around midnight I didn't feel too bad. Now this was ill in a way I haven't been in a while. More of last years pattern of being ill. Sleep pulls me down to a very deep level, coming out of it feels like being dragged backwards through suffocating cotton into an awake state where everything is shit, and it seems like you just did the opposite of sleep, and are more exhausted than ever. Hammering heart, spikes of pain, dizzy, weak, even the slightest effort exhausts, screeching tinnitus. And bouts of utter cold. Cannot warm up. Freezing. Mmmm. Ok then. Today I feel half better. Nothi...

 Feeling all round better today. I didn't in the end shake off my feeling shit for the whole of yesterday. Stuck with me into the evening. Meh. But today, the fog has cleared a little. Athena is doing alright. I think she's a little bored / subdued with being stuck in. I haven't taken her out - letting her heal. But she seems pretty good. I might take her for a short walk today. Maybe. Maybe not. As a very senior citizen I can get away with not walking her for days without any impact. In fact. It does her quite a bit of good having rest days. About 2 downtime days is optimal. 1 is maintainable. 0 is, eh, not great, or pushing your luck. But it depends how she's doing. And how long or active those walks were. Short walks everyday you could do. But. I'm not sure she appreciates that half as much as having a long run around. The problem with Athena is, she'll always be up for a nice long walk and run around. And is disappointed if it's short. The problem here i...

 Feel rough today. Can't say exactly how or why. I am exhausted. My mind keeps blurring away from me when I try to do something or concentrate. And despite taking a nap after lunch, I can't shift the tiredness. This morning, waking up, my anxiety spiked. Oh no. Work tomorrow. Spiiiikkkee. Mmmm k. What the hell. Perhaps it's the rough end of last week working it's way through my system like a dose of poison slowly coming to the surface. Maybe it's just.. one of those things. Wax and wane. I've tried doing all sorts of things today to reset it. Chill. Drink. Eat something. Snooze. Do something I am interested in. Nothing has helped. Sluggish and bleh. And a delicate feeling stomach. Enough to kill all appetite. And thought of food. No. Thank you. Hmm. I don't know. Read a pessmistic article today in the Financial Times. It was headed, is the US headed for civil war. Its conclusion was that it is. And cited a number of intellectuals, democracy watch types, and ...

 Gonna ramble today. But first. Athena is improving. She seems pretty comfortable and happy, albeit, her wound looks to be visibly getting uglier. And is still bleeding at times. But. It doesn't seem to be causing her much if any stress at this point. She's genuinely contented. I have a worried eye on her a lot of the time. And am spoiling her a little with food. I had a bit of a sniffle this morning. Nothing terrible. But a quiet tear or two. Despite being quiet. Athena heard. Gets up. Hey. Whatcha doing. You ok ? I get a snoot in my face and a lick. Waggy tail. Still the momma bear despite the wound. The mornings. Left to my own thinking. No distractions. Anti nuts defences a little down before my brain properly kicks in. I am getting climbs in anxiety. And dark spaces. I am clearly. Not thriving when left alone in a dark space. I start eating myself. I've noticed this before. And I have to admit. It's beginning to be clear. Sometimes. I am really best not left on my ...

 As of this afternoon. Looks like part of the wound keeps opening and bleeding.   But, her tail is wagging. Perhaps the painkillers are just taking away all the pain. Wound looks quite nasty at this point.  Despite all of this, Athena seems in a reasonably chipper mood this afternoon. She's begging me for all my food. And following me around. And wags happily when I sing to her. Ares liked that too. Dogs who like you singing to them. Too good for this world.

 The last 48 hours have been an awful journey. Early evening on Thursday Athena was attacked by another dog. The owner had just got through telling me he was a rescue, dangerous dog, but was now 99.9% ok, when blam. Went for Athena. And did some nasty damage. A lot of blood came out of her ear, as ear wounds tend to do, but, I think pretty superficial. The problem was the bite on her side. Both times the dog latched on and tugged for all it was worth. Wouldn't let go. Dog was a hefty guy, similar size to Athena but much heavier and stockier. Poor Athena was a super good girl, even after getting a lump taken out of her in the aftermath she was still sweet and went to see if the owner was ok. Anywho. I understand the difficulties of that kind thing. Checked Athena over. Ehhhh. Not good. But. She seemed like she was coping with it alright. I kept my eye on her. Got home. Cleaned her up with an anti bacterial, then put antisceptic on it. As the evening wore she she seemed to feel it mo...

 Still pretty much ok stomach wise. It's not a non event. But it's eh, ballpark close. And a lot better than it has been. So. Ooh. 4 days of stability so far ? Other bits of the Ongoing Bullshit rise and fall in the background teaching me that hey, it's not just about the shitty digestion, there are Other Things As Well. But. Uh huh. Overall. Doing better. So masses of people are off in the UK. The Jubilee malarkey is here. Cool. Although. I have to say rather mean spiritedly, I prefer when everyone is at work. I have to share the world when everyone is off. It's emptier and nicer when most people are stuck in an office. I think if this was a permanent thing, it would force me out into the sticks and a lower population density. I have become a product of my lifestyle - not having to engage with rush hours or crowds or business. Just noodling away in relative peace. So an idea occurred to me triggered by the Jubilee malarkey. We're taking a few days off to, well, all...

 Well. A couple of days with no queasy. Ooh. Generally feeling better this week. Ooh. So. That's good. Perhaps... my ... system... is properly settling down after coming off the meds ? Maybe ? Or its just a blip. A coincidence. Mmmm hmmm. Moving on. Humans. Humans suck. Let me give some context to that. Work. Oh no. This isn't working. Problems. Goes bang. Aiieeeee. Ok that's serious. It does indeed go bang. But wait. Really ? For everything ? I check it. No. Just a few isolated cases. Not quite as alarming a problem as reported then. Ok, so, this is less of a widespread failure and more of a suspect data problem. But reported with some serious Cry Wolf energy. On confronting the reporter there was a shuffling of feet. Oh. Well. There are other examples ! Uh huh. Let me guess. A mere handful in several thousand. Ok. Well. Whatever Cry Wolfer. Lets investigate. So we dig into it. Chopping deep into relational data and analysis to find. Some data is missing. Oh. It looks like...