Bork Slowly Borking

 Day before surgery. Today I am anxious. At times pretty badly so. Intellectually I am relaxed about tomorrow. My body seems to disagree. Anxiety has spiked. Body is in full fight or flight mode. Ok. Can we just chill ? No fuck you. EEEEEEEEEEEEE. Chill, jesus. No. EEEEEEEEEEEEE. It's a minor routine..ish op. Probably. EEEEEEEEE. Sigh. It's interesting in a way. A really super obvious split between, err, ok, why am I anxious, and a non verbal EEEEEEEEE. On the face of it, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever in a perfectly rational world. Of course. I get it. But it's interesting that I can operate like that, on two different levels. It doesn't mean good things for me being very aware of how shit can impact me emotionally. It means at least at some level the rational bit of me is an utter fucking clueless idiot about that. Autistic. Hmm. Perhaps I am not as self aware - emotionally - as I like to think I am. It would make sense if it lived in a box. Bullied there by ...

 Had my Covid swab malarkey thing today. They also tested me for MRSA. A standard for surgery. And am now officially isolating. I've struggled the last couple of days. I spent most of yesterday in bed. Felt increasingly unwell on Thursday evening after saying it wasn't too bad. Low level nausea, dizzy - again - all night, I could feel it in my sleep and it punctured my dreams. Fatigue weighs me down, my asthma keeps spiking at random, and the dizzies and the nausea come and go. Sometimes even just lying in bed is tricky. My breath will keep catching. Stop breathing. Gasp. Mmm. It's shit like that. Oh boy even lying down is not so great. That makes me consider being under anaesthetic could be a wild ride. I would really not be surprised if I stopped breathing a few times. We shall see. After more time in bed this afternoon, my thoughts have turned to what happens if the shit hits the fan and I don't make it. I need to make at least some plans. For poor Athena if nothing ...

 Better day yesterday. Played some games. Alright day today. No sudden mood drops. Have done some nice work this week - and ignored distractions - culminating in a meeting with one of our clients.  Which was useful. And good. It was really good to directly help a client again, cut out all the chaff, and just get down to brass tacks. And when they get hold of me, they have a bunch of extra sneaky things they "just want to bring up whilst you're here". But. I was watching it all through the eyes of someone who will be gone soon, one way or the other. It was pretty shocking. I was relied upon heavily. For the past knowledge. For the future direction. For steering people. Not just the technical, hey, this is a SQL box, and it does database things and goes whoosh. I cannot see how they will cope easily when I go. If at all. My friend has it that they will cope. They will be fine. I will leave a hole, but somehow, someway it will get filled. Maybe not the same way. But it will ...

 Lacking some sleep. Didn't eat properly today. Didn't drink properly today. Felt ok, until suddenly I didn't. One heartbeat to the next. Sudden nausea, tinnitus spikes, dizziness. Feel. Like. Shit. Sigh. But, not so bad a day today. This evening. I fell down an Ares shaped hole. What. Started it ? Oh. Yes. The anaesthetic. Propofol. It's what I'll likely get on 30th November. It's also what they put Ares to sleep with. And it replayed in my head. His walk over to me. Bopped his head gently against mine, forehead to forehead as we had done forever. He wagged his tail once, then lay down. I'm going in says the vet, the statement a question. I nodded. He took that final huff of breath. And was gone. He trusted me utterly. He trusted me. And I put him to sleep. That wound opens again. I betrayed my best friend. There is no forgiveness. He trusted me. That sweet boy. I could not fix him. I switch off. Numb. Staring blankly at.. I dont know what. Cant remember. J...

 Busy weekend, one thing and another, MOT, fixing the car, nephew visited, tried to get out for afternoon tea ( failed ). Didn't feel horrendous. Sunday was harder, very very slow and shitty start. But eh. I seem to be on the up. Haven't felt too bad today. Dizziness has receded to the faintest of swimminess. Nausea is down, only rarely ghosting by. Weird. Isn't it. Up and down and up and down and up and down. I try to keep it on the down low, but it does sometimes make my brain spin, what's the pattern, what did I eat, what did I do, what time is it, how did I sleep, did I have a cold, did I have an ear infection, hows my ass, hows my head, hows my mood. And on. I tend to snip it off. And breathe. It's fucked. Be zen with it "being fucked". Easy to say when I feel a bit better. Impossible to live with when its bad. Eh well. I think I need an endless supply of Cool Movies and Shit on TV / A Screen to watch for and or peaceful bed when I am feeling like shi...

 Somewhat improved. The dizziness has gone down a notch. Still have a helium head. A weird quasi headache rolled around and flitted in and out of existence most of yesterday. Ouch.... gone.... ouch.... mud.. mud... gone. Hmm. Left ear started aching again. I wonder if I am continually picking up ear infections ? Before last year... I don't think I ever really had an ear infection. Now. Not so sure. Certainly had more bouts than I can remember of pain in left ear and dizzy and yada. Siiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhh. Just the continuing theme of the orchestra playing way out of tune. Let me laundry list you the ways in which my body is a walking fucking car crash. Still. Feeling a little better. Not quite so close to the plughole. Yay ? But still pretty meh. Had my pre-surgery nurse appointment today. Which has gone ok. A few pokes around the chest pains, asthma, depression, anxiety and yada. They called super early, I wasn't expecting the call til 2pm. 10am phone goes, which, lucki...

Badly dizzy. All day. Multi days. Sleep is worse. Head full of helium and sometimes thinking or talking is very hard. Gets even worse when I stand. Friend mentioned it sounded like blood pressure. Checked it. 118/76. Bang on the money. Stood up. 110/78. *shrug* Feels grim. Tingles in hands. Left side of face faintly tingling. Slept 15 hours yesterday in bed by 6.15pm, no tv. Up at 9.20am. Dreams were mostly nice for once. But something weird was going on internally. Not sure what. Like my heart kept skipping or something. Got to admit a sense of dread has come over me. I am ever more convinced 30th November is not gonna see me come out of general - or that I Wont even make it to 30th November. My head is too fucked up already. Still not going to tell them. My closest shot to euthanasia. And if not. It fixes a problem I've had for years. I don't want either of those things jeopardised. Knowing that Ares is gone makes this easier. Athena will be ok. My brother will take care of h...

 It's late. Can't sleep. Or rather I slept a tiny amount, woke up, and then my brain kicked into overdrive and I couldn't sleep. A lot of things passing through my head. Today was a very rough start. Felt like the dead getting up. Ended up going back to bed for a few hours which helped. And was somewhat reassuring that a few extra hours of sleep helped quite a bit. But still. Rough as hell. Work. Even at its best, the priorities of work shift continually. The longest period I get is maybe 3 days before another priority pops up. And 3 days is a luxury. More often than not it's half a day.  My memory isn't what is used to be, and the continual chop and change the last few months has, eh, just made that worse. But eh, it's ok. At the moment. It wasn't a few weeks ago. Quitting. I fretted about it. The realisation I will lose an income ( not true ). That I would jeopardise long term stability ( half true ). Maybe I should just stay where I am, take the money, cr...

 Up and down today in all aspects. Health spluttering between eh not too bad, and jeez I need to lie down. Mood. Eh. I'm gonna repeat myself here. I'm sorry. I thought a lot today about Ares. How much I miss him. Where that lovely cuddly boy went. I have had no great epiphany in the months since his loss. No great understanding and acceptance of the wonderfulness of life. I still cannot understand it. I caught myself in the car shaking my head in.. just.. a reflex reaction. No, no, no, nonononono. An absolute crazy rollercoaster of emotions, loss, grief, emptiness, pointlessness, love, being lost, the cruelty of the universe. I still do not understand how something so amazing, so innocent, so good, sparked into being, was here for a short time, and now is gone forever. It is horrific. I felt in my bones his last huff of breath again. That one, last, sigh. Quintessentially Ares. There. Huff. Gone. I cannot imagine a worse thing. All pointless. It made me spin out into everything...

 I think maybe this blog should come with a warning. A heads up. Something. The stuff in here is dark and twisty. Upsetting. At times I wander around the halls of crazy but communicative ( at the very least I have to .. sort of.. be able to type to drop stuff here, which is probably a good thing, if I am far gone, you can't hear me babbling ), which, eh, hmm. It can affect people. This blog is cathartic for me. Started as a desperate way for me even in a tiny, shitty way, to stop climbing the walls in the midst of an absolute bonkers level bad period. And carried on as a way for me to dump most if not all the thoughts I have, safe away from expectations of stiff upper lips, too much information, or just negativity parades. I get it. There is something of a social contract there to put on a happy face. Which of course. If you're any kind of experienced human. You know can be tiring in and of itself. So. This is a bit like the room I get to scream into. Or at least, shove all tho...

 Whoosh. A week goes by. So I went to my brothers last weekend. I so very nearly called it off. Because. Of course. I felt like shit. But I did it anyway. It's often a close run thing. And I really have to ignore the screaming warnings my body gives me that This Is Not A Good Idea. And you know. Just hope for the best. Or at least a soft patch of ground where I can hit the floor. Weekend was nice. To be brutally honest, I spent the weekend phasing in and out of being ill. But I improved. Got back home, felt worse within half a day. I'm now not entirely sure my house isn't poisoning me. I got a Carbon Monoxide alarm, just on the very unlikely chance I was being gassed. The alarm hasn't gone off. So I can presume that's ok. Not sure about the rest of it. It does remind me that when I got my new sofa, I spent the first two months in a pretty dramatic allergic reaction to it. Puffy eyes. Sniffles. Sitting on it was a no go. I ended up covering it in blankets which helpe...

 So much for lessening symptoms. Today I have felt like utter, utter shit. Worryingly shit. A stuffed head that doesn't go. Dizzy. Nausea. Screechy tinnitus. A feeling of unwell that spikes into hot flushes. My throat keeps closing up at random. Ill. I am not sure of the word. Let's say worrying. If not scary. I slept this afternoon. Ill before. Ill after. My mind was swimming in the morning. Hard to concentrate. And last night I kept forgetting words. Again. I slumped into it this afternoon. That familiar fall. Crushing fatigue where everything just gives up. There is a peace to it. It's like being knocked out, but you're conscious. Ill. It's ok. Just. Let go. Felt like I was dying again this afternoon. Definitely shades of the start of the year. Just a dip. Or has that clock started to finally run out ? The CFS blurb reminds me not to freak out about dips. OK. Time will tell. And perhaps its starting to tell. That's always the possibility. This evening, I have...

Despite yesterday being Monday, always a shitty day of a stream of work priority shifts, it was alright. Only one priority shift and one extended conversation about planning and crap. Which means you can just get on and do some stuff. It's becoming more clear Andy is a bit lot of a chaos engine. And he can't schedule to save his life. Gives out mixed signals. Eh. Pfft. Got a meeting with him this Friday. Still not sure where I'm going with it - beyond the plan for talking about strategy. There's a possibility I might end up saying... and yesterday was my last day at work. Depends. How it goes. There's definitely enough there to make that a very real possibility. We shall see. Also, after a conversation with a friend about it yesterday, it's becoming really unshakable that I should just Do Shit. Even though it may put me in a precarious position in 2 years time. Well. Precarious. Like 8 years to realistically figure out what to do. So. For me. Precarious. For sa...