Bork Slowly Borking

 Today I have done zero work. None. Nada. Zip. Despite yesterday feeling extra shitty and tired I still failed to sleep, no matter how hard I tried. It was gone 7am before I properly slept. Rather than try to slog through poor quality work today I decided to just take it off. Ostensibly sick. I kept my ear peeled for any emergencies. But otherwise. I rested. Slept. Just. Let it go. Concentrate on feeling better first. Work later. And I feel better for it. That being said. Towards the very late afternoon, feeling a bit better, let me have a 5 minute sit down planning my CnC box, I immediately felt ill again. Nauseous. Weak. Sleepy. Ok. I stopped what I was doing and retreated back to bed. I had been up for all of 20 minutes. Hmm. It crosses my mind whether some of what I go through is just all down to a dodgy stomach. A very surly and bad tempered ulcer that reaches out and makes me feel truly shit, not just in a nausea kind of way, but makes me sleep and feel weak and shaky and etc. A

 Holy fuck damn. After a slightly better day yesterday, most of today has been diabolical. I feel extremely terrible. Like along with the rest of it I have a flu. I don't have a flu. No temperature. No sniffles. But I feel like extra garbage. Today I was mildly useful at work. Sorted out 3 issues, done, dusted, live, no mess. Mildly useful. It was tough to do feeling as shit as I did. Like crawling over broken glass. It is getting into the later evening, and unlike usual where I feel a little better in the evening, I am feeling worse . Not. Good. I don't think I am going to have a problem sleeping tonight. I am going to sink hard. Perhaps this is just a very very shitty sleep cycle reset where I haven't slept enough and now my hours are jerking back to something more normal. Maybe. Also. Suspiciously. For the first time in an absolute age. Many weeks. I had a wheat bread roll yesterday. Today I feel like I have a non feverish flu. As much as that sounds like a slam dunk lin

 Yesterday all things considered was a bit of a better day. I actually had some energy and zip for a change, albeit, it dipped and wobbled, nausea came and went, and of course, I slept long. But still. There were moments in the day where I felt ballpark alive. This is a big deal. I am under no illusions however that this is anything more than a temporary blip. It always is. Today I am exhausted. Couldn't sleep. Up in the morning anyway to deal with a work problem - successfully. Which makes a difference. Not beating my head bloody against a miserable wall for a change. Go in. Do something technical. Fiddly. Resolve it where others have failed. And out again, all before lunch. Very good. The Johnny of old. Although I do rather feel that this is less about me, and more about the layers of cruft that are now accreting at work. On the one hand - I am much less burdened with day to day stuff. On the other hand. The work process slowly fills with pointless shit, wasted time and modern va

 My days are normalising into a pattern based around my current shape of ill health. Sleep is difficult, but when I do sleep, then waking is difficult. State switching then perhaps is the difficult thing. There are consequences to this. My sleep refuses to hit some regular pattern and instead continually shifts backwards, as when I wake up I feel terrible, and my best periods are often when I have been awake the longest, meaning there is a high pressure there to keep sleeping or stay awake respectively. I am idly considering turning to the outright evil that is some kind of sleeping aid, although I am very wary of such a crutch. But perhaps a nudge or two at the right point would be useful. So. I get up late. "late". This is anything from 2pm through to gone 6pm. I then stay up late. In practice, typically beyond 5am. Even if I attempt to sleep at any point beyond midnight, I don't sleep. Sleep wise. I need an absolute minimum of 10 hours. 10 hours is feel like shit, very

 Big time nausea today. Perhaps it's one of those things. Perhaps it's because I slacked on my "anti ulcer protocols". I neglected to take an anti histamine. I didn't dose with antacid. Worst bout of nausea yet. It has very very slowly receded into the familiar background sea sick level of nausea. But I also feel shit along with it. Sketchy. Weak. Shaky arms. I feel terrible. Today has been hard to get even a glimmer of positivity then. It's hard not to succumb to the misery of always feeling ill, spiralling down, can't do shit. At my best I can get on with it. Tell myself to rest. Tomorrow maybe a better day. At worst, there is a realisation that the better days don't come, it's just a series of varyingly shit days, and that I linger in some suffering twilight purgatory. My friends words of "you wont die tomorrow, but you maybe suffering for the next 10 years" frequently haunt me. Because I know she has more than a point. All I want to d

 A tiny bit better today. I slept long. But did not fall into a horrible pit. Just a mildly shit one. Which honestly is better. I have forgotten what good feels like. I'll take merely shit. The gout stubbornly remains, not terrible, not right either, bright red inflammation still visible, an ache all over, pain when you tense, but, meh, it has been far far worse. I finished watching all of the Fargo series today. The last series, series 5 is excellent. And chimes queasily with the existential horror that the US is currently being sucked down into. About patriots. And stupidity. Cruelty. Christianity twisted into forms of hate and torture. Great series. Not so easy to watch in todays world. It underlines a very ugly portrait of America. It left me hating the US all the more. Not good. I guess in a way, this is one of the things that makes the series great. A US production that does not shy away from taking a very hard look at some very ugly characteristics of American chauvinism. I

 Lunch was indeed wildly optimistic today. I couldn't do it. Wiped out. So I cancelled. And ended up sleeping and sleeping and sleeping... until the sunset. Nausea is down today but present. A continual background hum of slightly green around the gills feeling. The gout grumbles. The tinnitus screeches. And if I get up and do something useful with myself I break out in a sweat, the nausea increases, and I have to sit down. Today I absolutely needed to go out for a few groceries. I could have ordered them in, done the thing, waited a few days. But I also haven't stepped outside my frontdoor in a week. Bed, to kitchen, to bathroom and back. That's it. I could be living in a bunker at this point. So I gritted my teeth and went out. It was not easy. I felt like shit. Nausea ramped up. Awful. Anxiety about just being well enough to not collapse somewhere out in the world. The grocery shopping I maintained however. Not too ill, not getting worse. A slow walk around getting some n

 Today the nausea has taken a step back. Perhaps it's the full on anti ulcer approach I am now taking. Perhaps it's just coincidence. Today has not been anywhere near as bad with the nausea - copeable with, if not pleasant. The gout on the other hand has got worse - a sure sign I actually ate something yesterday ( whatever is going on with me I am basically fucked when trying to process any food ), and the apnea has got worse too. Groggy sluggish. It pervades into sleep itself, you can feel the slow sluggish response in your dreams as if you're being smothered. On waking a bone dry mouth, sore throat. Probably snoring my head off between dying for air. So a mixed bag today. But, overall a bit better. I shall continue with the current plan, eat sparingly, absolutely avoid anything remotely gouty, avoid any stomach upsetting meds - albeit I am still dabbling with anti depressants, I am somewhat wary of completely stopping them - take anything that aids stomach problems, and

 1 AM. Feeling a bit better. Again. Today I ate something a bit more proper. Some rice with vegetables and a grilled chicken thigh. I think I have maybe figured out what's going on with me at the moment. One, my exhaustion et al is much worse. Probably because of the other two things. My sleep apnea is biting hard. Probably because of the other thing. The final thing. Pretty sure I have yet another stomach ulcer. Or whatever close approximation to it I have. The thing that recurs every 3 to 6 months. The stomach problem is pretty nasty - when I lie down and sleep for anything over an hour it fucks me up. Today there have been definite reminisces of when everything was on fire inside me nearly 4 years ago. Same kind of feeling. But not as intense. The nausea however is worse. Plus. Sleeping on one side is worse than the other. Both are fairly shit. But one side is worse. Ok. So. Ulcer. I am not taking any NSAIDs. No Ibuprofen. No aspirin. I know from experience any kind of iffy stom

After trying to get back to sleep after 5AM I gave up and got up. Made a cup of tea. Got a bowl of cereal. Noodled a little with work. Told Andy I was really ill, and not sure how much use I would be. I felt a bit better. Oh. Perhaps I had turned that corner after all. But I had stayed up. Avoided sleep. Midday I finally went to sleep. 4pm I awoke. Feeling absolutely terrible. Nausea. Groggy. Brain fog. Eyes a mess. Gout worse. Weak. Shaky. Exhausted. And everything feeling puffy. Sleeping is killing me. The persistent whatever it is wrong with my stomach, my gastro, is back with avengeance. And with it everything else has kicked in hard. I feel terribly ill.

 Towards the late evening last night, I once again felt a little better. Ate a vegetable soup. And a small 2 egg omelette with some vegetables for protein. Got to sleep earlier, around 2AM. It it nearly 5 AM now. I have woken up. I feel sick. Nauseous. Weak. The cycle repeats. Except it's worse. I have got up to pee, go back to bed. But. Things are getting worse. I think this could finally be it, the dropping of the other shoe. Whatever fucky thing have been going on, something has now reached a critical breaking point. Something in me is now breaking out in a major problem. I feel very ill. I am going to try to get back to sleep. I think tomorrow will be the worst yet. I have an inescapable feeling that from this point on, it all gets blurry. Eh well. It's overdue. What a shitty way to go. As ever, perhaps the tide will turn and I will instead feel better. *doubt*

 Finally by 10.30pm last night I felt a bit better, and sat on the computer for a few hours feeling fragile. Despite having slept most of the day I soon felt tired, headed back to bed and there, tossed and turned restlessly until daylight, whereupon I fell asleep. I slept in the front bedroom last night, for no better reason than it's comfier, and I was up and down whilst trying to sleep, peeing. The bed is comfier. Less supportive. My shoulders ache in that bed, but, overall it's comfier. I woke up somewhere in the morning feeling smothered and awful. I got up for a pee, a drink of water, went back to bed. The next time I got up I felt very awful, sluggish and groggy. No doubt this is also the layering effects of my sleep apnea making a more forceful appearance. Nausea has been very bad today. It is now 7.30pm. It has taken me all day, dozing in and out to escape the worst of it, for my stomach to even begin to feel copeable with. A few times today it got so bad as to escalate

 Struggling to make it out of bed in a day. It's bad. After 12 hours asleep today I made an effort to get up, be normal, do something. Within 10 minutes I felt so ill that I had to go back to bed. No choice. Hmm. It's now 8pm. Still feel ill. Better enough that I can gather a little thought to write this down. But not good. Unless I improve, this definitely feels like the crunch point. My eating has scaled to very little indeed. Eh well. I could do without being nauseous all the time for a starter. It would make the journey out a lot easier. No such thing as an easy path I guess. Sometimes a little glimmer of anger bubbles, the indifference of health services. It shouldn't be that way. No use grinding teeth about it however, and to be frank I have zero energy to do so. On the plus side, my gout has improved a little today after going through a very painful peak.

 Took Hazel home yesterday, was an iffy prospect whether I would feel well enough to do so. I pulled myself together enough in the evening and dropped her off home. The last few days in general have been very bad. My feeling of being unwell now pierces well into the evening and beyond. Everything is shit. I don't eat, I feel bad. I eat I feel bad. I sleep I feel bad. I rest I feel bad. And I get slower and slower to pull myself out of slumber, out of a horrible malaise. Today it threatened to be around the clock, all day. Permanently in a doze of unwellness. I struggled out of bed at somewhere in the evening. Bleary. Nauseous. Shaky. Ill. I determined to have a drink of something cool and sit on the computer for a while. Not what I felt like doing. But an act of stubbornness. Of trying to fight against feeling like shit. As I sat on the computer, slowly I started to feel a little better. But today has been awful. As of yesterday my gout has returned. Getting worse. Same place. Same

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US

 Rough. Very rough. Hazel has been staying for a few days whilst the fireworks go on. It has been overall very quiet around my way firework wise. Hardly anything, and then, only some very distant pops. Poppy has been chilled. So mission accomplished I guess. Overall Poppy is struggling badly with her leg now. It's not good. It comes and goes a little, which implies some arthritis, but, something odd goes on with her shoulder. It sticks out. Feels almost like a break and a heal. I don't know. She limps badly on it at times. If it were me, I'd get her an x ray. But it's not. I've been doing pretty shit the last few days. More of the same really. Whatever ails me is kicking my ass hard. It's getting worse. Today I have taken an impressive 16 hours to get to a place where I can operate at least somewhat like a shit human. Some 14 hours of sleep. 2 hours of trying to warm up. It's not good. Severe aches across my torso. My eyes are a mess of stinging, irritation,