Bork Slowly Borking

 Hmm. Work has come and gone, and for at least half of it I was upright and productive. I've had far far worse work weeks than this one and of late, few that have been better. So. I guess. That's something. I have been up on time, not languishing in some awful eternal sleep, and, have stayed awake for most of the day, a nap here and there. Work is no longer easy for me. The work itself is easy. Dealing with my bullshit is the not easy bit. Nausea. In general all the stomach issues and nausea has ever so slowly continued to edge down. I thought I was kind of through the worst of it until yesterday I felt sick during the evening, and the following morning felt sick as a dog. As it happened I needed to get to the docs bright and early for a blood test. I went there feeling absolutely shit. The nurse looked twice at me. I saw it. As clear as day. Oh. You don't look very good. She didn't say anything. But I saw the body language flinch. One of my shitty superpowers. Reading...

 Nausea and bad headaches ( + migraines ? ) are the order of everyday. Plus all the rest of the usual bullshit. The zaps have reduced to a very low state - almost certainly because I nibbled a mental med on a couple of days and I've been sleeping a lot more. So that's a plus. I've taken aspirin a few days which has absolutely helped massively after taking them, despite this being  for me one of those choose the lesser evil problems because it exacerbates gout, which at the moment is barely under control, I have a lot of gout winces in my feet at the moment, but not - yet - at a critical level . My headaches tend to dissipiate quickly with a bit of a caffeine boost to help the aspirin. The problem is the prevalence of them and that dance between can I just suffer with this, or should I take something. Because I have so much shit going on that yes, taking something helps, but then it locks me into a torrent of meds and that then causes other issues. Such is modern meds. Get a...

 4.40am. I am forced awake because... I feel sick. I am too hot. It is hard to describe but everything is... off. I feel super shit. And I can't put my finger on it. I can feel that I am on the edge of being "too ill". I don't know how to better describe it. Its not just sick. It's. Something else as well. Stomach churns. Mild headache. Shitty eyes. Tingles in face. The usual. I feel terrible . It's preventing me from getting back to sleep. I am going to try and doze in the pre twilight of dawn.  This isn't life. This is awful. I don't know what to do.

 Eaten defensively. Feel sick. Massive headache. Today, like yesterday, I worked through feeling sick with a headache. Got stuff done. Finished what I needed to. Early evening. I feel utterly terrible. I had to sleep again at the end of the work day because everything was just so bad I couldn't do much else. I am going to try taking some meds and sleeping again. I am so tired of being very ill every day.  Post Edit : Took some aspirin. Had some caffeine. The killer headache - at least - has mostly shuffled off. Nausea is down a notch. Palpable relief. And the world is a little brighter. A step towards feeling human. Jesus I truly scrape the barrel. Now I need to solve the riddle of getting something to eat whilst recovering from feeling like shit. Ah yes. The daily struggle. Do you rest or make something to eat. Or get no choice and collapse. Huzzah. Of course really it's too late to be eating if you're being a very sensible person. But. Again. What choice do I have when th...

 I am stretched very thin. Trying to. Just. Be. Vaguely human. And not doing a good job. Today I managed to work. I was useful. Probably. I don't know. Six hours or so. I fixed two things. I did it with a headache. I did it whilst feeling sick. Just got on with it. The zaps are off the charts today. The worst they have ever been. Constant zapping. And. If I move my eyes too fast, I get a zap. And the tinnitus zaps too. Eye move. Zap. If I do it on purpose, for science, it becomes too much. If I keep moving my eyes, within 5 seconds, it's too too much. I have to stop. Today after waking up, slow, I ate a yoghurt. Water. 1.5 hours later. I felt sick. It is early evening now. I had to try to sleep right after work because the zaps were so bad. They followed me into lying down and sleep. I couldn't really sleep because of them. It was bad. I have dozed for a couple of hours. It felt like 10 minutes. My eyes feel "wrinkly" and sandy and exhausted. I am plagued by zaps....

 Late evening. I am beyond tired. It feels like I've been up for 36 hours straight instead of sleeping half the day. I contemplated not eating anything at all for the rest of the day. Yes. No. I don't know. Fuck knows. Hungry. No nausea. But so gun shy of doing anything . I ended up having 2 eggs and some chips. As simple as it gets. Egg and chips. And waited.... An hour later, I felt like I'd eaten a 3 course banquet. But. Livable with. But so weird. Eat a small amount. Feel like you've eaten a pillow. Either this is SIBO doing its worst or its, dun dun darrr, an ulcer or ulcer adjacent. This is not news. All day, and to be honest for as many days back as I can remember at this point, my head has been... fuzzy. Laggy. Blippy. Full of static electricity. I don't really know what's up with it. I know this is a common state with me since The Problems started, and the blips have always been a thing since I've been on mental meds. But it's persistent at the ...

 Yesterday was awful. I bounced in an out of bed / sleep where I couldn't maintain for longer than a couple of hours at a time before feeling sick. Proper, shitty, can't concentrate, I feel awful, sick. I tried eating a jacket potato with tuna as planned, and 20 minutes after eating it, I slumped super hard. Brain fog. Sluggish. Headache/migraine. And. Of course. Feeling sick. It was very bad. I'd even maybe describe it as an "attack". Not far off of how I feel with a migraine. That bad. Perhaps it was a migraine that just so happened to trigger 20 minutes after eating. If it was, it wasn't like any migraine I've had before. And. To be honest. I really doubt it. The timing after eating was just too spot on. I limped into the evening, felt a bit better, ate, felt stuffed, sleepy, and just fell asleep in some lesser but similar state to the afternoon. Today. I have been so careful. No caffeine. Nothing harsh. Small. I ate a single yoghurt for breakfast. See...

 Gritted my teeth and managed to get out yesterday. It was not easy. I left the house feeling ill and borderline this is too much, but pushed anyway. And in the end it was fine. No problems. Well. My energy sagged after a few hours, but nothing severely out of whack ( but definitely not normal in a normal person ). Lunch was great. We had "Afternoon Tea". Except this one was not your usual Afternoon Tea that I have had so many of, this was an experimental Indian Afternoon Tea, and whilst there were some nods to the english version, mostly it was about a range of Indian delicacies, all of which were delicious. Spiced, but not spicy. Vegetarian, no meat. ( The place was also very fancy by the way. It looks to be frank, kind of shit on the outside, despite it being a "historical building", but inside it's lovely ). The least impressive bit of it was the bits where it hoved back to a Brit standard. The scone and jam was eh ok. They are trialing it. So were looking f...

 I tried so hard yesterday to not have a shit day. Let's go. Be positive. Eat defensively. Hydrate. Failed. Hard. I tried ignoring it. Didn't work. I ended up in bed 4 or 5 times during the day. Forced there. Feeling sick. Feeling exhausted. Blips. So very shit. And I tried so hard to not do that. Which is also a problem. When you fight hard. And you still fail. It communicates to you just how fucking high that mountain is. That it isn't doable . And that you are, indeed, lost. Which inevitably, of course, leads to despair. And sadness. And depression. Shrug it off. Pick yourself up. Try again. Except. You can sometimes follow that path for other things. But not this. Not a persistent physical health problem. You can try it. But then your vision blurs, a blip occurs, nausea roils. And all that high level bullshit evaporates. You're going to be lucky to keep fucking breathing my dude. Let alone giving yourself some ra ra fucking self help bullshit. It's more fundamen...

 Where to start. Things are, of course, difficult. Difficult is an understatement. Let me define that a bit better. Every. Single. Day. I encounter severe issues where I cannot function. I have to lie down. Sleep. Tap out. There isn't a choice in there. It's do that or collapse. Some days it swallows near enough the whole day. What do I mean by that. I mean that aside from maybe an hour or so of semi functionality, which is to say, I can get up, get a cup of tea, go to the bathroom, maybe grab something to eat, maybe watch something on TV, I am out of it. Asleep. "Asleep". Lapsing in and out of consciousness in bed. Some days, better ones, I can stick in the land of the living for a lot of the day. With only, "only", 4 or 5 hours of downtime outside of a "normal" sleep period. A "normal" sleep period for me varies between something like 6 hours ( very rare ), all the way up to 20 hours ( uncommon overall but goes in distinct phases wher...

Dark. This is not good for the soul. Or mental health. If you are some random stranger stumbling across this, you'd do well not to read it. Somethings are not meant to be read. Some screams are not meant to be heard, albeit the scream itself must happen. Hazel has gone home. I am more than glad she has gone. For the umpteenth time my patience has run out with her. I think, this time, for good. It's not only that she dips in and out of being a bully. An abuser. A snarling cornered animal. Even when she is in a normal state. She is by default, an asshole. You can tiptoe around her, not trigger her, remember all the rules, pitfalls and complexities. And maybe, maybe she will be ok. She holds court on everything. From what you're doing. What everyone else is doing. Should be doing. She is long on lecturing about people should try harder at their careers, or move house, or don't spend this. or tidy that up, or how terrible a driver that person is, or how little that person ...

 I have stopped eating any kind of bread product. Or wheat product come to that. And I've felt somewhat better. Half my issues have gone away. So we're back to that suspicion around bread. Or fibre. Or both. Sometimes it really seems to fuck me up. Other times, I am not sure, but I think I get away with it. Or perhaps its mild and I don't pay attention to it. Not sure.  The nausea has been on the down low. Still there. But more grumbling than making me feel seriously ill. It waxes and wanes thoughout the day. It definitely starts to pick up if I haven't eaten recently. And eating anything larger than a small meal runs a serious risk of feeling sick and stupidly bloated. But it's not a 100% thing. Sometimes I can get away with it, depending what I eat. A lot of sudden severe aches and pains this week. They flare within 30 minutes, and can then disappear again within some hours, sometimes they linger for days if not weeks. It isn't muscle pull or exercise stuff. T...

 Pattern. It is tentative, but seems reproducible. If I eat bread I get the worst nausea results after half an hour or so. Different types of bread hit differently. The worst is a multi seeded wholemeal. That being said. Even a sesame seed white bread caused issues. If I don't eat that things are better. Not great. But much better. Initial nausea and queasiness has nothing to do with bread. This seems to be a completely separate issue. This is my months long - at this point years long - dance around is bread an issue and results coming back telling me its not gluten, its not celiac. And yet. Another difference in recent months is I stopped buying the gluten free bread. It's super expensive, and I was not clear about the benefits of it. It didn't seem to be a gluten problem. But. I now suspect gluten free bread - whilst it might not be a gluten issue - doesn't trigger the same shit I am having with normal bread. It could just be a level of fibre issue. In previous bad ...

 Nausea and gastro problems are all over the shop. Hard to find a rhyme or reason. If I eat something then 20 minutes later I can get supppperrr sleepy. And I mean brain fog, hardcore slumping out sleepy. Not because I am stuffing my face on something carb heavy. It can be very light. A piece of toast. And it will knock me out. And make me feel sick. Other times I can eat something - wait for the hammer to drop - and it passes by. Some times I am not eating and I can just feel sick. If I sit up too long I can feel sick. Just background in a day. Sick. If I lie down sometimes it helps. I don't know. It's an absolute shit show, the worst it has ever been. Eating light, sometimes I can go through a period of a few hours where I don't feel too bad. And I immediately doubt myself. See. You're ok. All done. No problem. Then eat. And 30 minutes later be like, oh, yes, yesss, fuck me, this is horrible, something is very seriously wrong. Eh. My fucky brain. It doesn't seem ...

 Bad nausea and all sorts yesterday. It seems my entire gastro system is now in revolt. I ended up in bed by 8.30pm feeling pretty bad, but good enough to try to sleep. I struggled with the NHS during the day. I haven't phoned a GP at the usual mass crush 8am in the morning in years. It was pointless a decade ago. Nothing has changed. I got through at 8.05am. Oh we dont have any appointments. Uh huh. Ok. We'll pass your request onto a doctor to triage and get back to you. Uh huh. Whatever. Eventually they got back to me, an appointment next week. Of course. I took it without complaint. What else am I going to do. Today I have tried eating really lightly to try to head off any kind of triggering nausea, bloating, or the like. Played some games, didn't feel terrible, but by mid afternoon the nausea was rising. Probably because I hadn't eaten. Tried eating the smallest thing I could. Was ok. For about 20 minutes. Ho hum. This evening I have given up. And stuffed my face. K...

 A rough night. Felt nauseous throughout the night, slept through most of it, but always there. Woke up early feeling utterly shit, still nauseous. A large part me these days is immensely disappointed when I wake up to a new day. There is, perversely, something of a comfort when I finally sleep that that is going to be my last. Super not good. But it is where I am. I genuinely just don't want to be here. Nevertheless. Here I am today. Much joy. I didn't eat today. The nausea kept me from eating. And I didn't want to eat anything and set the whole cycle off again. So I had a tea. And stumbled into play some games to keep my mind off everything. At some point in the middle of the day the nausea lifted enough to be not terrible. It never goes away fully. It just goes down to a .. discomfort. Which it did. And of course. Immediately. Hungry. No shit. Still. I didn't eat. I didn't want to set it off. But. The reverse. If I don't eat. I'll get worse anyway. Ho hum...

 Nausea has kicked in hard the latter half of today. It has gone from a problem, to a real problem. If I eat anything it makes it worse, feel bloated, sluggish and sick. It is now midnight. Exhausted. Black eyes. And nausea. Eh. So tired. I should chase the GPs. Not sure I have the energy. I have limped to the bathroom ready for bed. I am always surprised how low I can go without tapping out completely. Like some horrible endurance race. I shuffled through the kitchen. My mood firmly planted in the end of things. The light at the end of my tunnel is oblivion. Well. At least, maybe, the suffering will end ? Hum ho. Time for sleep. I don't want to wake up again. Let today be the last day. Please.

 Nausea for most of the day yesterday. I couldn't concentrate on shit. So work went by the wayside. Today is a similar story, less nausea, but feel ill and exhausted. This shit is why I doubt whether I can keep work up. Trying to clear some hours of feeling better in a day to do something like work can be super hard. Ho hum. Nephew is not doing great. A continuance. I haven't checked into mental well being charities and the like for him - barely have the energy, and when I have had a little, I've either put it into work, or dropping things off for people. He definitely needs help, and it sucks that I am at such a low ebb that doing that is hard. I am burning out a bit at the moment. Been doing too much. On the other hand. I'm not the only person in the world here that could help him. Why is it just my fucking shoulders it sits on. But this is the way of the world I find. You either do it yourself, or nothing ever gets done. It is one of my frustrations with people. Lif...