Bork Slowly Borking

I've said it before. I'll say it again. This blog is not really for consumption. Not designed to be read. It is just part of the back of my brain, talking into the void. A narrator of the Truman Show. Its content is... not great. Dark. At times brutal. It dances with nihilism in a very real and awful way. And its author, me, is not entirely sane. Or balanced. In a way that's conducive to trip happily through a human life. Corrosive. But not through being mean, or hating.  Just. From looking too deeply into the meaningless of existence. Being. Truthful. Even though sometimes thats an utterly stupid thing to be. And a good dose of shitty chemicals swimming around my brain only allowing me to see grey instead of the colours of a spectrum. It is all, perhaps, subjective. Perhaps those that see the happy colours of the rainbow are deluded. And the realists simply see the "truth". There is no truth. Just subjective reality. Believe what you will, it's all bullshit a...

 Similar pattern yesterday. Started feeling ill early afternoon. Ok in the morning. Shitshow in the afternoon. Ate some dry toast for lunch, couple of hours later felt somewhat better. Well enough to go out for a dog walk anyway. Took out a bouncy Athena with Hazel and Poppy. Which was nice. Albeit I was somewhat subdued again. Not exactly feeling well. But. Not a disaster. Being unwell tends to take the wind out of your sails and dries up conversation. It all gets a bit more. Prioritised. Less chat. More concentrating on not throwing up. By late afternoon, early evening I was ok again. So. On the scale of things. Yesterdays bout of unwell was... lesser. Noodled with some art. Played games with Dan. Got a message from my brother whilst out in the car. No. Can't wait. Urgent. Mom is on final watch. Meds withdrawn. Care home said if you want to see her, see her, right now. Rules for visiting hours et al dropped. Don't wait til tomorrow. As of today. No news. I can only assume no ...

 I did not rally yesterday. I did the opposite. I was ok for the first half of the day, but by mid afternoon I was increasingly meh. Had lunch, decided to take a nap to see if that would head it off. It did not. I woke up after a 3 hour "nap" feeling worse, and that lingered all evening. A general malaise, nausea, feeling ill, tired, bleh. Hmmmmm. I think I might try a few days of eating as little as possible to see if that alters anything. I doubt it. As eating little also seems to make me feel ill. But eh. We will see. Last day off before work. I am not relishing going back to the god awful task tomorrow. Eh. It's ok. But I could so do with a rest. It has started to annoy me that I had to make that compromise and keep on working, yet a-fucking-gain despite very clearly needing a rest. Same old story. You'll always be sacrificed for a bottom line. Like I didn't learn that enough at a corp. Anyway. Couple of weeks and I am off for a month. Even now I am doubting m...

 Yesterday wasn't too bad of a day. For me. On the whole it was alright. Which is quite something. I cleaned the windows after the hitch the other day. Was alright. But by the end of it - not a huge or physical task - I could feel the nagging of burn out. Which is no bad thing. I actually got a warning. On time. So I rested. And was ok. Of course. You could also look at this as, holy shit dude, what's wrong with you that such a small task burns you out. Yeah. *spooky hands* CFS ! If it's not obvious I am still having massive problems accepting that diagnosis. It just feels like bullshit. Part of it is how sketchy it is. It's not a simple I've broken my leg, rest for 6 weeks, fixed. It waxes and wanes. Manifests in a hundred ways. Burns you out. Blah. It's. Bullshit. The symptoms are bullshit - hard to pin down into any kind of pattern, widespread, debilitating. The diagnosis is bullshit. The equivalent of Ghosts In Your Blood. Anathema to an IT dude like me. I...

Yesterday was eh, ok, approximately speaking. Not great by a long shot, but eh, copeable. I spent most of it staring into space. No motivation to do shit. Like anything. No TV. No Games. No art. No noodling. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Just. Stare into space. And not in a relaxed enjoy the day kind of way. More a zombie like, stare at a single point kind of way. Hmmm. I had to go out for a chiro appointment, and then went for a walk with a friend in the afternoon. Which probably helped me out. But I got home and returned to staring into space. In the end I just leaned into it, relaxed and switched off. Fuck it. Stare at the wall like a lunatic. It's ok. We are more than familiar with acting like we belong in a nut house, right ? Ah ha, yes. Mm. Yes. Uncomfortably. Yes. At some point late afternoon I decided on a whim to wash the windows. The old Sahara dust had done a number on them and coated them with a red patina. Got the window washer gimmick. Got the bucket. All of Ares meds wer...

 Captain we are maintaining an altitude of ehhhhhhhh copeable. Heh. I can feel myself fluctuating in a day. Running along an edge of mehh fuck it not good, ill. Dipping in a little. Dipping out. But better than I have been. A bit like sitting under the sword of Damocles ( which to save you looking it up if you're not super familiar with it, is the old tale (related by Cicero) of someone thinking kingship must be sooo cool, I'd love to be the king, it's easy, fuck you, so the king (Dionysius) lets said dude (Damocles) be the king - but suspends a sword above the throne attached by a tiny thread, with the proviso that you can't get out of the chair. Upshot is dude learns, hey, shit, it's not great to be the king. The morale of the story being waiting for the other shoe to drop. The burden of responsibility. Anxiety. Worrying about the future. Yada. ) Such things if carried on too long are wont to embue you with a serious mental health problem. Anxiery. Phobias. Parano...

 Not gone. At the moment. Last few days have been rough. Super rough. The shadow of an ass kicking depression started to fall over me. Despite the rain of shit I try very hard at times to lift myself and do something normal. Post a video. Take a walk. Talk with someone. It's like swimming against a lava river. I went for a walk on Monday with Hazel and was very subdued. No spark. I felt like shit. My mood was shit. When both line up like this. It's. Very. Hard. But I was doing the thing. Taking a walk. In the sunshine. Because. Lava swimming.  For all of the difficulties with Hazel, one of the amazing things about her is that I can be myself with her in many ways. No need to hide any shit. Or rough edges. Or shower. Or put on a happy face. She gets it. She also goes through it. And we have a very good understanding that goes both ways. It is. A good thing. It also sometimes frustrates her. Because she actively sees when I put a happier face on things to others. And I get frown...

 Hmm. I an considering giving the blog a break. If not an outright stop. I am considering giving social media in general a wide berth. Not for any super right on reason. Oh. Yeah. Like. I'm. Getting back in touch with myself. No. It's just withdrawal. Plain and simple. The withdrawal monster has been whispering in my ear again. You know. What you should really do. Is just withdraw. Stop talking to people. Stop writing. Come on. You're tired. You know the bunker is nice. Just let the world pass. Go on. Forget you. As the young uns say - just lie down and become one with the dirt. It's really strong. As in. It feels entirely right. And I would be stupid to ignore it. My instinct. Here's the thing. Experience tells me that my instincts are sometimes absolute bullshit. Wrong. Wrong is an easy word, it's more complicated than that. Malformed. Twisted. Perhaps you might frame it as an intellectual vs emotional battle. That's way too.. simplistic and pigeon holed. ...

Can't sleep. My brain won't switch off. Filled with thoughts and memories. Today on the scale of things, hasn't been so bad. No major outages of being ill. Just. Not great. Went for an extended walk with Athena again today. Two days in a row. Something I tend to avoid now. She's always... much more pooped on day 2. 10 minutes and she blows out. She doesn't need that level of exercise anymore. But it's ok every now and again. She's getting slower every week that passes. Subtle. But there. And over a few months. It adds up. Meh. I think of Athena getting very old. And then I think of Ares. And he isn't here. And Athena soon wont be here either. And what will I do. Who will I be. Nothing to ground me anymore. Nothing to hold me down anymore. Not pretty. Tick. Fucking. Tock. Cheshire Cat Grin looming from the nightmarish shadows. Today has been an odd bag of experiences. Hazel wanted to go for a walk today, so, I picked her up, and off we went. Hence the two...

 Bleh. Like a stuck record. Ill. Ill. More ill. It's everyday now without fail. Part of a day will be ok - it can vary from feeling shit but eh I am ok I guess, to, ehhh feeling... mostly ok. And then part of a day will be, I feel very shit . I'm taking a lot of "naps" at the moment to try and manage it. It works more than half the time. Half the time it just seems to make it worse. Shitty. Various pings have been going off. Weak legs. Tingly face. Raging tinnitus. Feeling .. just all round ill.. Groggy. Nauseous. Dizzy. Foggy. Flu like. It's like a roulette wheel. But they repeat. Same shit. Round and round. Sometimes the tingles will up and disappear for a good while. Or the dizzies. Touch wood I haven't felt dizzy for a while now. It stops me in my tracks when it's bad. I can't do shit. At all. Except sleep. If that. I slowly felt more grotty last evening. Flopped into bed. Awful. Lay there for a short while. No distractions. No TV. Nothing. I felt ...

 Spent a lot of yesterday feeling unwell. Not super unwell. I was still capable. In. A. Not nice, kind of, bleghh, but, mmm k. Kind of way. The old me ( pre 2021 ) feeling like that would have made me promptly sat and nursed myself better. The new me is, meh, for fuck sakes, and just.. powers on through it. Until I can't. I had a task to do yesterday in any case. An important one. Being there for someone else on a day that was harrowing for them. So. Suck it up buttercup. Do the thing. Go be supportive. I wont go into details as it was super personal for them. But. Yeah. The height of anxiety inducing. Meltdown level. Pain. Discomfort. Awkwardness. Feeling like shit. Healthcare professionals. I picked them up, dropped them off, waited for them, took them home. And did some stuff for them inbetween. Throughout I was mehhhhh. Ok. Functional. Up and down a bit ( healthwise ). I've been pretty off for a number of days together now. And on reflection I've been pretty shit since ...

 Eesh. Interesting couple of days. So healthwise. Really been teetering on that edge. But interesting. A few things are clear. The first is that I've got something pretty seriously wrong with my gastro. On Friday, playing games, sitting there, that familiar green, nausea, feel like shit crept over me, until by the time I logged out, I was feeling pretty fucking bleh. Soldier on. Ignore it. Hilariously I had an invite to go for a curry. Under ordinary circumstances I would have bailed at out this point. All I wanted to do was go to bed. But I just ignored it. Drove out feeling sick. Long story short, I ignored how ill I felt, ate - and within 10 minutes of eating a curry, I felt a good deal better. Like. Recovery. Ba-zing. I wasn't a 100%. But oh boy was I a lot better. Ohhh, well, maybe I hadn't eaten ! Not true. I had been eating very sensibly throughout the day. My last eating was a small bit of chicken stew with a slice of wholemeal bread. Maybe it's my blood sugars ...

Can't sleep. Felt ill. Went to bed.. eh.. somewhat early. But I can't sleep.  My head is awash with emotions and thoughts and theories and whatifs and emotions. Borderline manic. Round and a round. So it goes. Rarely I can start to wander towards a manic phase. Super rarely properly manic. My brain just gets stuck in an upshifted gear and it burns through shit. What would I do with a bit of money ? Give it away. Give some to my brother, sister. Does this money make your life easier ? Then take it. No mentions. No ties. Play out all the scenarios. The conversations. The responses. Revise. Refit. Light touch. Brain shifts again, who else would need money, give it to those that needed it. Where they were stuck. Or a little money would go a long way. So much good you could do with a bit of money. This is not the way of a rich person who hoards their money. I could never be someone like that. Fuck those people. Always fucking in it for the angle. The calculation. The worry. Never ju...

 Took the pace of work down a notch yesterday. Noodled around improving and tidying up the big release from the day before, and started thinking about taking on the next monstrous task. As part of that I made sure to take breaks, and get out for a late lunch dog walk. Which. Makes me feel better. As obvious and stupid as that sounds. Remembering to take breaks from work helps. Duhhhhhh. No one said I was smart about that. Ever. The walk was nice. I've fallen into a bit of a pattern recently of going out for a walk once a week-ish with Hazel and her mutt over the local heath. Hazel always seems keen for these walks - I think it gets her out somewhere different, gives Poppy a proper run, she gets to see Athena and yada blah. In short. I think she enjoys it. And I do too. I like having company on walks, and I really like Athena getting to do something interesting in her day. So it's all round positive. A bit of exercise. A bit of a catch up and a chat. The mutts get to run around ...