Bork Slowly Borking

 The Gods smile on me. The never ending game of boon and curse continues, yesterday, the heating fixed itself. Or rather fixed the major fuckery that was wrong with it. In reality there's a very rational explanation for it. The small bit of blockage - rust - that was fucking things up has likely finally dislodged and now everything is running again. At least thats my theory. Still. Always happy to take a boost from supernatural sponsors nudging reality in my favour. I should probably make the effort to double check the procedure for draining down a central heating system, do so, and then refill it with some rust inhibitor again. Because surprise. Steel radiators rust. I know. Shocking news. It also occurred to me that I am sick of stupid shitty devices that have no standards, are caked in arcane bullshit, but in actuality are simple that you have to pay an arm and a leg for someone who has briefly been educated in the ways of Bullshit to fix it. At expense. Absolute nonsense. I am ...

 Tired this week. Sleeping later. Tired earlier. I think the toll of everything has just been a bit higher, and I've also been super busy, either at work, or doing the social rounds / help. Got a call from Hazel on Sunday, not doing good. She had got involved in a nasty altercation in her building the night before, some physical stuff - pinned against the wall, kicked in the chest, arm locked, lots of stress and shouting, the end result was that one of her neighbours got carted off by the police. And then promptly released the next day as the police said they didn't think they could get a conviction. All of which rattled Hazel. Understandably. So I was out with one friend, and then hot footed it over to spend the afternoon walking with Hazel. Long day. I have expressed worry to Hazel before now about her proclivities to either start fights or get involved in them. Whilst sometimes her motivations are noble - her anger issues and the like means that she is never in a position to...

 A bunch of articles and stuff on long covid has been finding me of late. Yesterday I read a long article about it that focused on the brain fog associated with it. That again, the science behind it is unequivocably proven - brain shrinkage, inflammation, fucksyouproper, but also the anecdotal stories of individuals and their experiences living through it. One of them explained what she called the "So, yeah", syndrome, where she would get half way through a sentence, lose track of what she was saying and just say, So yeah. Frequently. My brain fog is for the most part gone. But I can remember what it was like, and their accounts are very familiar. The time when I would sit with Hazel and not really be able to keep up with her conversation. You'd have to concentrate. And by the time some kind of words had formed to say something, the moment was long gone. Like living somewhere with an enormous time lag in communications. The same thing on the TV. Watching a quiz show. Keep...

 Today has hit like a very very slow truck. Like slowly. Inching over you. And crushing you beneath its weight. Nausea. Ill. Tired. All round yuck. I gritted my teeth and took the girls out for a walk however. Gotta say, the walk was hard. Not enjoyable. It was a thing. Do it. Do it. Come on. The girls loved it. Splashing around. Running around. All the smells. Jumping on me. A good thing. Hazel was thankful that I got Poppy out for the walk. How you doing she said. I grimaced. A hard walk. You should have left it she said. Eh, pfft. I dropped Poppy off back at hers and went home. So yeah. Today. Big oof. Two things. Last night I decided to treat myself to something to eat. A burrito. I love burritos. But I have sworn off them for sometime now because of the Hidden Spice. But eh. How bad can it be. Had a lovely burrito. Whilst eating it, somewhere near the bottom, ooh thats spicy. Oh no. Was that a Jalapeno ? Ah. Pfft. Delicious. I told Dan I treated myself to something nice to eat...

 It has to be said the last few days I have been in a "mood". Unhappy. Toying with being depressed. Somewhat lethargic. A skull full of cotton wool at times. A thundercloud in my head - literally. A weird foggy grumbly head, possibly down to serotonin issues of my being hap hazard with my mental pills of late. I think this is the outer edges of being properly depressed. But not entirely disappearing beyond the event horizon. Orbiting the singularity if you will. I think the whole Mood of Sunday has stuck with me. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. It doesn't help that on Monday when I wanted to get out and do stuff I couldn't. Locked in a gilded prison of the Queens funeral. So no outlet there. I have consciously not taken out my shitty mood on anyone. I am dissatisfied with the world. With me. With the house. With life. I am in no mood to be happy clappy or put up with peoples fuckery. But. Nevertheless. I try. And dont take it out on anyone. But I am subdued and disincline...

 Tricky day yesterday. Let's just get right to it. I had a serious knock to my faith in humanity. Not because someone was an asshole or treated me wrong. Just. Because. People are people. It came on long and slow. After a chat with a friend. I became slowly more frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned. All those words. And then some. It really knocked me off my zen perch. I went for a walk later on with Hazel. She asked if I was ok. Ehhh yeahhh, mehhh. Convincing she said. I let it out. She understood. Very frustrating. She also said you know how this goes. I do. Here's the thing. I think - at this point in time I have a pretty good grasp of People. Interally inconsistent. Many voices arguing cross points. The consistency you largely get on the outside is a disciplined manufactured piece of content and belies the inner debate. Belies the sometimes mood swings or strength of counter arguments and the like. And none of it has to make sense it just is. I want a donut. No, do not ...

 Whoosh 4 days go past. Work was meh this week. Again. Kinda getting into a routine where the 2 days I do are hardcore, busy, difficult, frustrating or all of the above. There's less time to smell the roses and I suspect the impact will be I enjoy the work less. Allergies have kicked in hardcore, runny sneezy nose, itchy eyes, itchy palate, wheezy chest, bleh, some really shitty days, and of course, it has been raining almost continually. The rain it seems is no longer my friend. At least. This year. After a super hot and dry period ? But on the whole I'm still doing good. Had a bit of a blip yesterday, the general malaise was back a touch, my mood also went down, some nausea. Uh huh. The fascinating thing is how much of a difference it makes. It's like switching the lights off. I go from being capable to being incapable. It's a shocking contrast and really very peculiar, this isn't your oh I feel tired, or oh I ache a bit. This is like hitting a wall at 50mph. With...

 Woke up rough this morning. Itchy eyes. It rained again. Allergies spiked. Mmm k. Been having a lot of sketchy dreams on and off for months now. A lot of them focus around university. And student digs. And failing courses at Uni. Which is interesting because I've never been to Uni. I *think* it's a bit of a reaction to living my non conformist life. In this instance, normal what everyone else does life is morphed into University. And getting your whatever it is you're studying for. The reason I suspect that is because sometimes in those dreams my drop out defence is, well, I don't fucking care, have you seen how cool I am at IT, and have done amazing things and y'all are still here scratching your arses wondering what job you are going to get. Which is odd. But clearly my sub conscious is feeling more than a little defensive about something. Only working 2 days a week ? Not making the most of myself to earn small fortunes ? Stupid if so. Nevertheless the dreams com...

 An alright weekend. No major ills. And sometimes I even get out of bed feeling human. That last bit I can't even remember when that was true. *decades*. So, things are looking up. Of course. Don't take anything for granted. Be prepared for the slump. But so far. Touch wood. Things are. Sustaining a better course. The ups and downs are still there for sure, but crucially, the downs are rarely pushing me down below some "critical threshold". There is it has to be said quite a bit of indecision in me about what to do about this. Do you : a) FREEZE. Change nothing. Keep doing what you're doing. See if you keep improving b) Change a few things. Start being more lax with rules you've put on yourself. c) Do more things, ignore the rules, start shifting what "normal" is upwards. Tricky. I have been burned a lot with this over time, and where as b) and c) would previously be the no brainer, I have had my ass kicked enough that that's no longer a no brain...

 Slowly back on the way up again. Yay. Not withstanding a little nausea. Yesterday at the pool was lovely. First week of the school season back on, and as a result not a child was seen. Quiet. Still. All the rugrats chained to their shitty education. On the one hand, state of our education - laughably Victorian. On the other hand - removing them all - and their parents - from the streets and general places I want to go - bliss. I genuinely cracked an irresistible smile as I started swimming. The pool was empty. Unruffled. Oh my god. How cool is this. Still struggling a bit with form. My allergies have exploded in the recent wet weather. From bad to worse. Interesting. Probably means... mold ? In any event, I cleared 1200m yesterday. A new best. I don't think I can realistically go much further in the time I have. I would need to speed up quite a bit. I have seen some changes to the schedule however that mean I could end up possibly allowed in the pool for a longer period of time. A...

 Better sleep yesterday, some energy came back, which was surprising and nice. Don't get me wrong. Operating on low batteries. But above wipe out energy. Sounds all very CFS to me. Mmm. I still have enormous difficulty accepting this. It has been raining a lot in the last 12 hours. And I am not sure if I've got used to the New Normal UK weather of it being hot and a good deal less humid, but the humidity here now feels positively wet. Everything feels very slightly damp. Was it always like this and as a swamp dwelling Brit I had got used to this ? Or has the previously hot dry weather made everything suck up moisture. Or what ? Whatever it is, the hot dry summer has definitely shaken up the UK weather. I can't say I am enjoying the feeling of everything being slightly damp and I am slightly pining for the hot dry conditions. Typical. On possibly the related subject of that, my allergies have gone through the roof. Itchy palate. Constant sneezing. Bagpipes for a chest. Yikes...

 Very steadily, each day has got harder than the last. I am still doing ok, but the energy has ebbed away bit by bit, and Monday was the hardest day for a while. But in the end I spent the afternoon at a friends house, for another delve into deep things, personal growth et al for a mere 6 hours. There was also tea and cake. And in the midst of that, I put a whole bunch of puzzle pieces together and figured out the past of two people, why they were who they were, and how their path had lead them to where they were. In the moment, in the eye of the storm, everything looks like a fraught decision, or complicated random life choices and conflicting events and emotions. But take a step back. And it takes on a very predictable and ordered measure. One thing leads inevitably to another. Starve a person of water and they will treat the next drink like it is manna from heaven. Hence how tightly they grip that next drink and the inevitability of their pursuit of it. Why were they starved of ...

 Odd day today. Internet was down for most of the day. Unheard of. In fact. I can't ever remember that ever having been the case for me since there even was an internet. Or the days prior to an internet proper. My relationship with the machines predates the internet. Old. So no internet. Weird.  The Matrix went quiet for the first time in 20 years. I slumped. Didn't know what to do with myself. Like some parasitic life form suddenly bereft of its technical host. It is hilarious how tightly tied I am - and I suspect we all are - to the internet. Remove it. And it feels like you've had your arm chopped off. I have to admit to the teeniest, tiniest ripple of panic. I mean. Not panic. And so small as to be laughable. But definitely something. A little.. tiny... anxiety bump. Oh no. OH NO. 5 seconds later I was laughing at myself. Holy shit dude. The internet has died. NOBODY PANIC. Ha ha. I pondered what that feeling must be like for those that have only ever known the internet...

 Today I had decided to clear some more shit out, go to the dump, and then hit up the coast for a nice walk. None of that happened. The thunderclouds of a headache rolled in before midday, and as it turned to afternoon, developed into a migraine. So that was that. The afternoon passed in a painful medicated slumber. The postie banging on my door got me up at 3.30pm, the backend of my migraine still rumbling at too high an intensity. Such are the perils of being forced out of a migraine sleep. So. Today is a non starter. Which is frustrating. I gotta say my incidences of headaches and migraines at the moment is wayyyyy beyond average. I think I'm getting a migraine once a week ish to a lesser or greater extent. And headaches more frequently than that. Not cool. As sunset arrived I felt good enough for a walk, so, took the old lady out for another sunset walk down to the river, and took Hazel and Poppy with us as they were up for a walk too. It was nice. Peaceful. Lovely evening. Pop...

 The days are going past ok at the moment. Like. Actually ok. Not my usual, "ok" ( as in, I'm alive but possibly not much else ). This week is definitely harder than last week though. I'm trying very hard to keep upbeat and busy and yada and kind of ignore when I start to feel ill. Some days are better than others. And I've realised background shit like, how my asthma is doing, has a big knock on effect to me. For my asthma in particular its noticeable that it can stalk me mostly unnoticed, until I do a thing. Like swim. And then. Ah yes. Where the fuck is my breathing capacity. And oh boy. I'm actually a whole lot worse than I thought. About 1 in 3 days my asthma is bad enough now to be noticeable even when perfectly at rest. The wheezy chest whilst asleep is usually the give away. The sound of sadly deflating bagpipes everytime you let out a breath. As the asthma nurse said, I'm probably undermedicated because I'm complacent about it. So I think I ha...