Bork Slowly Borking

 The days blur past. Everything feels too quick. I sleep. And two days pass. I sleep again. And suddenly it's a week later. My zen spot is sleep. Everything melts away. No suffering. No misery. No demands. Sometimes I am haunted by dreams - of late anxiety riddled about failing work - but more often than not I either don't remember my dreams or I thankfully don't have them ( they are never good ). I realise that I am always wanting oblivion. It is when you stand back from it a soft opt to not exist. A soft suicide - something I can come back from. But. I am perpetually "better off" in oblivion. Not existing. Really, the only thing between a soft opt for oblivion and a hard one, is the fear of it being final, the worry of how it impacts everyone else, the hassle it would cause some people. But in reality it is pretty thin. The world would continue to turn. A single drop in an ocean. People would cope and move on. Sometimes I wake up at some point in the middle of a...

 Work was super hard this week. Struggled to get shit done. And then a migraine wiping me out for a good portion of Wednesday. My condition is slumping back into its usual super shit state. I have had a handful of better days - not good, but better - but that period seems to be closing. Gout has flared then gone back down again. I think it's more a certain kind of sugar than anything. Bizarrely. I ate a (single) cookie the other day, and 12 hours later, the gout was up. I have noted before some minor correlations about this. To the extent that I have previously swore off cherry bakewells ( a fave ), and some other conspicous sugary things. Not that I have sugar. Once in a rarity. But. If I do.  It's hard to see the wood for the trees because, it could be a bunch of things. I have a vague suspicion as well that it might be what kind of things you eat over a several day period - a slow build up of urea. But. I'm not sure. It's also true that I have gone through periods of...

 Yesterday I had a better day. For the whole day. The day before descended into a slump of exhaustion which got a bit better in the evening, but was the feared backward step. Yesterday however was better all round. Out of nowhere. For no good reason. A break in the clouds. I felt like I had a little bit of strength. I could do things. I felt like talking to people. I felt like doing something. The change between that and the exhausted state is like night and day. I am an entirely different person. Everything changes. You have no anchor dragging behind you. I decided to go for a short walk, but, I felt that bit better that I wanted to go do something more. Get in a car. Visit someone. Have a cup of tea. A chat. As I turned around to venture further out I had a brief worry - oh, is this me overreaching again. Feel a bit better. Blow out energy. Crash. I ignored it. What to do. As an adult I have learned that people in the modern world are inaccessible. They need schedules and times ...

 Yesterday started out the typical shit show. Exhausted. Sluggish. But. I have had worse. I sent out a message to meet up with my CFS friend at 1pm. We would see if I could do it. I had something to eat, a bit of caffeine, another nap. And I felt. Better. Ok. Cool. For the first time in months I have a bit of energy ! I got up to take a shower and immediately ran into a wall of exhaustion. Ok. Slow. Slowly. Take it very slow. Imagine you are nursing a weight behind you. So I slowed right down. Moving gingerly. Like an 80 year old. And I stabilised. Hovering on the edge of exhaustion. But just about on the right side of it. I could feel it poised on a knife edge. Keep going. My mood came up with my energy. Ok. I felt like. I could do shit . On a whim whilst sitting in my towel I decided ( of course !? ) to copy my laptop drive. Diseassmble the laptop, hoik out the nvme drive, clone it, pop it back. This felt like not a big deal. 48 hours ago that felt impossible. I went out. Spent a...

 Tried hard to have a normal day yesterday. Failed. Managed to stay up for a few hours, didn't move much, ate a little, felt ill, went to sleep... 14 hours later, it is Friday. Yesterday I got up to check the car - I thought I had perhaps left it off charge. That whole thing, shoes on, cross the road, check the car, come back, exhausted me. Shockingly bad. Today I have arranged to meetup with a fellow CFS sufferer. As it stands it's not something I can even contemplate doing.  My sleep and inactivity is so bad, I am having great trouble figuring out when to take medication. It's always a weird time, never a clear 24 hour delay, and my memory blurs. Today I turned over somewhere late afternoon utterly disorientated. I thought it was night, but daylight was hitting the window. For a moment I couldn't figure out what day it was or how long I had been sleeping. It didn't matter. Exhausted. I just went back to sleep. A tiny voice in me says I should go out. Walk. Even if...

 5.20am. I've been asleep for the magic number of 16 hours just about. A wake up here or there for a short while. Most of those hours I have been plagued my a low level migraine threatening to always step up. I tried sleeping with it only - no meds - to minimal success. After 12 hours of that nonsense I bit the bullet and took a couple of aspirin at risk of completely wrecking my dubious nausea levels. I have had a shower. The first in. I don't know how long. These last few months have been unusual for me. Usually I am at least a once a day shower kind of person. But these last few months it has lapsed. A week. Two weeks. Three weeks. I feel. Fragile. Shaky. I desperately just want a normal day. A normal day where I feel normal. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be sick. Or exhausted. Or a migraine. Or some other bullshit that goes on with me. I feel like I am on a knife edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to develop into something worse from th...

 Ended up waking very early, as per my shattered sleep cycle, and just staying up, starting work at 5.30am. I figured this would probably give me my best shot of not feeling absolutely fucking terrible and doing something workwise. Which worked out. I cleared off a few tasks I had on my list, but by midday I could feel myself flatlining. So I had a nap. "Nap". I woke up 12 hours later. Midnight. Within 20 minutes I feel nauseous. And generally ill. And bonus. My right eye wont focus properly. Sigh. I still feel tired. I should probably eat something and then.. I don't know.. go back to sleep. Gotta get my 16 hours a day !  Zero space in my schedule today to even pretend to be human. I've had an idle browse of reddit whilst trying to let the nausea settle. That's it. ( Whilst there it was unavoidable to see that Trump has declared that only he and the attorney general get to decide what is legal or not, marvellous ). Eh well.

 My sleep schedule is in shreds. I sleep a little here. Wake up. See some hours of the morning. Then crash. Then have spates of 16 hours of sleep. Wake up evenings, afternoons. Feeling awful. Takes me hours and hours to even start to be able to think straight. I groan down the stairs. Head full of mush. Feeling ill. Everything hurts. My health has gone so far down this last year. It is shocking. Surely I think. The end can't be far away ? But oh, the suffering just keeps on going. Today I took Hazel home. I struggled to do this. It was a very steep hill to climb. I zombied upright at 4pm. Then 6pm. And finally gathered some level of capability by 7pm. I felt unwell the whole time. By the time I got home I was exhausted. I couldn't be bothered eating, knew I should, but gave up. Went to bed. Only to get up 30 minutes later to really pull something quick out of the freezer to eat - a chicken stew in the bottom of the freezer. By 11pm I had fallen asleep.... Only to wake up at 2.3...

 Another day of being hideously rough. I have had a stab at reversing my wildly fucked up sleeping hours. Went to sleep last night around 2.30am, but was awake again by 5.30am, twitching legs and spasms. This happens sometimes. I have restless leg syndrome, which is absolutely traceable to my mom who also had the same thing ( and incidentally my sister does too ). I gave up trying to sleep and instead got up, made a cup of tea and watched some tv. I then decided to just try and stay up for as long as I could. I made it to about 4pm before conking out, sleeping, and then waking up again around 10pm. Hopefully. The "lack" of sleep compared to my usual goddamn 16 hours will mean I get to sleep at a somewhat more normal time this evening. A few hours up. Then back to bed. In that slightly surreal way it does mean that I sort of don't really end up eating. Too tired / rough to sleep. Clock out of whack. Just never a right time to eat. Avoiding the absolutely toxic US situation...

 Usual pattern of sleep today. I tried waking up a bit earlier at 6pm. Today I have had one of the worst days ever. I cannot even tell you what was wrong with me. Only that I felt horribly horribly ill. Riddled with pains. But also. I don't know. Exhausted. A super "sleep hangover". Everything just drained. And awful. The malaise dialled up to 11. So bad you can't sleep. Can't sit. Can't lie down. Everything is awful. A horrible place you cannot escape from, screechingly bad unwellness. Very, very bad. I have no clue what to do about it. I am doing my best to rest with it. Wait for it to slowly, awfully, ebb away. My god. It is awful. The Bullshit™ is increasingly bad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's now 10pm. It has taken 4 hours for the "edge" to be taken off it. 4 fucking hours of suffering. And now it is down to merely "shit". I need 16 hours of rest one way or the other or the penalties are horrible. I have just c...

 Nausea still comes and goes. Sometimes I will get a day off. And sometimes I don't. I am well into taking the PPIs at this point, so, my stomach acid should have come down, albeit the dosage of the PPIs they have me on is half of what I had before. I am sleeping very long when I don't have to drag myself awake to do something. Averaging 16+ hours of sleep a day. No joke. Day after day. Inevitably I end up going to sleep somewhere between 2 and 5 am. And then don't stir until the evening. 7pm to 9pm. It is kinda monstrous. And all kinds of fucked up. I live in a twilight state. I get a few half decent hours in a day if I am lucky. Noodle with a game. And that does me. Yesterday, in a lot of pain, I decided to take a couple of paracetamol before bed. I have by and large been off any kind of painkiller since November. In a bid to not give my nausea anything else to have a problem with. I ended up sleeping a lot better than I have in... months. I know I am full of pains all ov...

 Nausea abated, then came back again. So it seems to go at the moment. I have started the PPI meds, we shall see how they do. Last time they were as much a bad thing as they were a good thing. Ho hum. My internal dialogue has kind of gone quiet. I am blotting out much of what it going on in the world - avoiding news for the most part, really trying very hard to avoid news from the US, and for myself I am getting up to nothing at all. Just nursing myself through varying levels of unwell. Perhaps my brain is shutting off. Had enough. Exiting. Who knows. Yesterday I managed to eke out some work before collapsing in the afternoon, having a sleep in the early evening and waking up feeling truly terrible. Everything ached. Sluggish. Nauseous. Too much. My first waking thoughts were that I couldn't keep doing this. But here we are. Keeping on doing this. As well as feeling utterly broken on waking up yesterday, I also had a dream about Athena. Which was nice. But when I remembered it 20 m...

 Nausea has subsided, I think, finally, it maybe on its very last legs. It has taken approximately 3 months. Despite that I am finding my CFS et al is still biting very hard, my wellness which is typically shit anyway has shifted down another notch to leave me hovering close to invalid. I have slumped into some kind of adaptation of life. I sleep a lot. Move very little. Watch a little streaming tv. Play a game on better days. Try and get some food. And that's the summary of my life. On work days I struggle to squeeze that into my schedule of coping. I nap. Oversleep. Flake out. Make up time. It's a struggle. I am sad. A deep heavy kind of sad. Not a screaming crying sharp misery. Just a deep hopelessness. I am worn down to nothing by my continual ill state, months zip past in a fog of unwellness. There is little to no meaning in my life.  I have nothing to say. All the fires are at a low ebb. I get some peace when I can disappear into a good story and am well enough that I ca...

 Yesterday afternoon I slumped into sleep after the doc visit. Woke up in the early evening feeling utterly awful. Nausea hovered. But a blast from the past - my entire left side was ringing like a bell. Like sticking my fingers in a plug socket again. Way way less intense that it was at the height of being ill. But it was there nevertheless and it made me feel dreadful. Tinnitus in both ears screeching at maximum decibel. Left side of face slightly tingly. I would guess that somewhere in there is a damaged nerve, definitely the hangover from whatever went on in 2021. Get in the wrong spot and you trigger it. But who knows. Today my sleep schedule is instantly backed to screwed up. Work today. I have decided not to push it and just try and get some sleep - burning half the day away - before pulling myself out of it to be functional. I will work later as a result - something I am not keen on doing. I have half a mind to call it a sick day and be done with it, but I fear if I do that...

 Up relatively early today for the GP. "Early". Midday. But for my fucky hours, this is something. I ended up sleeping a little and then basically being awake from 3am onwards. A mixture of appointment anxiety and not being able to sleep. I hate having scheduled things to go to now. If I have a place I need to be at a certain time I get some pretty bad ADHD anxiety bullshit with it and can't relax until it's done. Nausea today is so far pretty much non existent. Typical. So the outcome of the doc today was a mixed bag. He suggested I try getting out more. Uh huh. Ok. Let me explain properly how I've been feeling and exhaustion and CFS because, I suspect you're not getting what the fuck that is. Yes. I agree. Getting out would be good for me. Being able to do that is another matter. Sigh. But this is GPs. I can't super fault him for this. GPs are by definition generalists. And in todays world of information, they are usually out of their depth if you wande...

 Mild nausea today, not enough to be terrible, enough to keep me mostly in bed, asleep, avoiding the worst of it. Today I also avoided most of the house. Kept to myself. Avoided Hazel. Couldn't be doing with more negative interactions. In the late evening, making something to eat for myself, Hazel ventured out just to be social. She was fine. Normal. Not grinding teeth. Her moods are crazy. If and when she isn't in a horrible abusive mood she is fine. But her mood turns on a sixpence, and often as not turns ugly. This fits with the borderline personality diagnosis and its inability to regulate emotion and in particular negative emotions and responses. In any case, I chatted for 5 minutes, then beat a hasty retreat. Today, for what it's worth, was my birthday. A large portion of it was spent in bed. Nothing to be celebrated. Nothing to be marked. I am not miserable about celebrations. I think it's cool that people can do things on their birthdays, and have fun and yada y...

 First day in a lonnnggg time I haven't had nausea. It makes a difference. I feel all around a bit better because of it. I slept long today and didn't fret about it. Yesterday was a lot. Today I let myself off. Also. Avoiding Hazel. Just stay upstairs in the back half of the house. Early evening Poppy forced her way into my room to say hello. Jumped into bed. Kisses, cuddles, leaned into me for scritches. Dogs have a knack of being cute and what you need when you need it. It made me think about whether the same behaviour would also be cute in a person. I think there would be more of a tendency to be aggravated if a human did it. But then again. If a human did it with such innocence, lack of hurt, and was open to easily being told boundaries, then, maybe it too would be cute. Anywho. Dogs have nailed that line. Poppy then curled up next to me and gave her feet a good clean whilst I watched youtube. Companionable. Got up to have a tea and toast. This is the first day in absolute ...