31st Jan
Yesterday was a surreal blur. I stayed up way around the clock, half because I was trying to break the sleep schedule, and half because Hazel wanted to go for a walk. By the time I was going for a walk, it was an equivalent of midnight to me if you had got up at 8am. After days of fucky sleep I was tired. Buzzy. Surreal. I tried analysing it at one point on my drive over to Hazel. The winter sun was casting a lovely golden glow to everything, cold, clear, golden. I could see it from one point of view. And from another it was like being in a separate room to it. Not there. Mild disassociation. Third party viewing. I could also tell that it reminded me of vague things from my childhood. Other days that looked like that. And that there were feelings attached. But I couldn't actually feel any of it. It was like reading a report on a page. And the words were smudged. It was surreal. Not that it was an unusual thing for me. Not worrying. Not unknown. Just. An altered state of mind, and ...