Bork Slowly Borking

 Had a slightly better nausea day again yesterday. It largely stayed away and when it did show up it was more of the I don't feel right, too stuffed, mild nausea type shenanigans. So better. But still fairly shit. So I had a little more energy yesterday. I actually made a simple roast dinner for the first time in.. since Christmas ( so what's that average out at, a roast dinner 4 times a year ? ho ho ). I also fiddled some more with the waste pipe situation. It turns out I've fixed the original problem, but a new/old problem has surfaced with the old pipes. At this point I think it needs to be pulled out and redone entirely. Which I absolutely don't have the energy for, so, will probably need a plumber. The leaky problem is way better than it was - to the extent it's usable - but it's something that should be properly sorted. I'm kinda pleased I fixed the original problem. Big tick. But then as is this way with cranky old shit that hasn't been touched fo...

 A little bit better today. The nausea was absent in the morning. Shocking. But as the morning turned to afternoon, sure enough it turned up, making me feel very ill, enough to make me retreat back to bed. And then I slept some. The nausea has hovered in a faint way ever since. Nothing too extreme, but also ever present, draining all motivation and capability to do shit. I have had worse. So. I suppose that's a thing. But it is also frustrating at the very least that it incapacitates me. I will need to chase the GPs next week. It's been a week and a half since I sent them a note asking for an appointment. Radio silence. I honestly wonder what the point of them is anymore. Apparently the GP and hospital service down where my family is is much better. They certainly seem to get appointments quicker and follow ups through the hospital. I wonder if it's more of a problem up my way. Certainly things like mental health services here are notoriously some of the worst in the countr...

Still here. Still shit. Yesterday was a bit better, less nausea, but still a lot. Today has been variable. Up and down. Nausea is a persistent issue and really serving to finish me off on top of all the other shit flaring up. Tinnitus has been screeching like a demon over the last few days too. So. That's nice. A lot of blips, zaps and twitches with the nervous system. Excellent. None of these are nice. Today I ventured out a couple of times between - and sometimes during - bouts of abject nausea. I made a shit stab at fixing the leak under my sink. I know what the problem is - the washing machine installers totally bodged the waste pipe fit. Now I have a non standard waste pipe problem to fix. They don't actually make the bits I need. Close. But no cigar. So after trying half a dozen different things - and finally now knowing way too much about waste pipe sizes ( why the fuck they don't make these things fixed on one standard I'll never know ), I think I will have to ...

 There is a new angle to all of this. Well. Not new exactly. The thought of suicide looms large. Not out of some fit of absolute emotional pain. But heres the different breeze. Because I am beyond struggling with the physicality of it. Even at rest now I am suffering all the time. There is no relief. It's no way to live. The very calm, rational, logical, perfectly ok thought to me sits in my head. Just end it. It's ok. You've tried. It's not getting better. The alternative is just suffering. No one is going to save me. It's not about cheering up. Or having company. Or stuff to do. It's about being in constant state of suffering to one extent or the other. I can plaster a mask on for short periods. Which is just a show for others. Not for me. I slump even harder afterwards. What on earth is the point. Not even just a, I don't know what the purpose of life is. This is a bona fide, I am suffering physically here. There is no relief. I don't know. It is com...

 Exhausted. Nausea every day. Back to peak bullshit. Worse than peak bullshit. There are points in the day, not even bad points anymore, where I am straight up diabolical. I lapse into an exhausted sleep at these points. And feel. Even worse. It is hard to describe. Everything is wrong. Aches and pains everywhere. A lot of nausea. Headache. Absolute exhaustion. Sunken eyes. Brain fog. Brain zaps. And a sense of doom. Absolute circling the drain doom. The tinnitus is at a screeching maximum. I flux in and out of this state. I am never feeling even slightly well. It has got worse this week from the slowly deteriorating point of a better couple of weeks. I don't know. I can't make food in such a state. I struggled today to make myself a plain jacket potato. Nothing with it. Just a potato.  Ho hum. It is not a pleasant exit. I can no longer even watch tv. It's beyond me. At better points I can just about manage this. I have struggled this week to do work. I have tried to be hel...

 Difficult day ! Today I have felt nauseous practically the whole day. Mostly a low level queasy state, which then ramped up by late afternoon early evening to a really shitty nausea which at times tickled a panic state. Bad. I muddled through some work today until my "sister in law" popped up asking if I was about and would I like to do something in Norwich. She was getting her car done. I felt queasy, ill, unwashed. But I agreed, and figured, fuck it, power through. Perhaps getting out, having something to eat, blah, would do me good. So I did that, we had a catch up, I had something to eat. And through the whole thing felt queasy. And cold. And blechhh. I did my best. And was social enough. But I did not feel super duper. By the time I got in my car to go home I felt awful. I had intended to go home pick up some work again then sleep. Yeah. No. I got home felt absolutely shit and hit the bed like a tonne of bricks. There would be no working. I felt sick. I spent a couple o...

 Today has been a day. Our problem dev sent an email today as spokesman for the whole dev team setting out his opinions on things as de facto direction. The tone was, meh. I also knew the spokesman for the whole team thing was not entirely true. To say this email annoyed me was an understatement. Already embroiled in my own thoughts about just quitting, this didn't help. Uncharacteristically for me I punched a wall in frustration. And went into some serious soul searching. I wasn't enjoying this. I was no longer liking being in the whole IT process and driving the company forward ( as little as I can do these days ). Work had become a chore. Something I haven't properly experienced in decades. And something I am not sure I can tolerate anymore. Not because I refuse to work at something that is a chore. But rather my own conscience wouldn't allow it. I am not going to just clock in, clock out, punch a card, go home. I haven't done that in forever. It's a horrible...

 Sick on and off yesterday. Played a bunch of games inbetween the worst of it, but at times had to retreat to bed. Slowly I have been processing work related stuff and I find myself increasingly uneasy and unhappy with my position. The long and short of it is I really am facing just knocking it all on the head. Time to go. It's a complicated thing that has many factors to it. One of them is my incapability to work at a maximum pace anymore, and therefore am now much more constrained in what I can do work wise to compensate for problems that crop up. Which, whilst is a health thing, is ultimately a thing that most people will face. That transition from health to ill health. Young to old. Eventually everyone stops. Without exception. In my case, I am here probably a good 15 to 20 years before I should be. But in a way it's just the same path, but on a shorter time scale than typical. Then again, such reductionist takes get to be meaningless, as you can start reducing an entire li...

 So I went and did my work presentation. It went really well. But the main aim of it - to deal with our problem "senior" dev - was a failure. Despite us all acknowledging the added costs of having to deal with multiple sources, and a development reality that would always be true for our largest client, he basically sulked and stuck to his opinion. Everyone else in the room took it on board. Our proper senior understood and wanted to break away from our difficult senior. So. The issue still remains. In fact. If anything. It might be worse. Because now its apparent there is dischord in the team. That our senior guy is a problem is no surprise. His personality, his particular mental shape is very difficult to deal with. It isn't so much the technical aspect of it. It's that we have a very difficult senior dev who wants to do what he wants to do, and sulks hardcore if he doesn't get to do that. And this is my failure - I don't have the energy or motivation to take...

Day by day my better period is slipping away. Waking up is getting harder and harder. I am feeling more and more ill. The old nausea and everything is worse. But. At the moment. I am also recovering from it. And picking up as a day wears on. Ish. About a 50/50 that symptoms flare again at some point in the day or evening. But. All around it's noticeable. I am sliding backwards again. Slowly. Kicking and screaming. Yesterday I had a blood test, got myself washed out and ready, as well as doing some work. Sitting in the GP I saw a dog hair sticking out of my shoe. Once upon a time I was covered in dog hairs. Now I am not. I looked at the hair and removed it. Surely not one of Athenas after all this time ? Probably a Poppy hair. Hazel sent me a brief message the other day sharing that Poppy was getting worse. Screaming in pain when she pulled on her lead. A few cries at other times. She is due her librella shot next week. But. Yeah. Not good. I picked up her message late - a day after...

 Rough today. A lot of pain. And the nausea returned. Most of that was from last evening. I thought I was having a bad day, then the nausea set in, I felt ill, couldn't do shit, ended up having to sleep. Went to bed at 9pm. Didn't get up until 10am. 13 hours. Uh huh. Today I feel distinctly under the weather. I have had worse. But it's no fun. Not good. A low level grumbly headache. A low background nausea. Both of them draining my capability to do shit. Today I have been supposedly working. I have noodled around with a couple of things. Given some very indepth and technical advice to our senior ( which it seems has caused issues for our other senior who couldn't figure it out and didn't bother asking ). But lax day. I'm still not terribly convinced of my worth anymore. Sometimes I am better. Sometimes I am worse. Meh. I am going to try real hard to get down to the office on Thursday. And after a chat with everyone I might bring it up with Andy. Not sure I am wo...

 Totally overdid it yesterday. Felt a bit better. Played computer games all day. Zero breaks. Like it was 15 years ago. Doing that shit these days is not smart. But. It's refreshing to actually be able to do that in the first place. I haven't been close to doing that in a long time. But still stupid. I am finding in these recent years I am struggling more and more with certain... personality quirks... that I have. The hyper focus. The forgetting to eat. Drink. Pee. The sudden bursts of interest. The malaise. Yes. It does sound like the trendy on point diagnosis everyone seems to be getting these days. This stuff has always been a part of me since I was a kid. But it was ... blended a little into the background. Weird. But not super out there weird. These days. I don't know. It has kicked up a notch. Perhaps it's the quiet lifestyle I have, spending a lot of time on my own where I feel ill or can't do shit. Or maybe it just gets worse as I get old. Today I am tired....

 It has been a relatively active few days. I am feeling a bit better. It comes up and down such is the way of things, sometimes the weight of exhaustion sits on me more heavily, and at other times it is lighter. But all round it is better than what it was. I am not flat on my back for 18 hours for starters. So. Better. On Thursday I took myself off to go see my niece and drop off a laptop and ipad to her. I had planned to do this given I was faring a little better, and possibly capable of doing some stuff. Going down to see her was a risk health and energy wise, no doubt about it. But. I thought I would give it a shot. On the Thursday morning I woke up to a familiar wall of exhaustion. Oh no. I was in no state to even get out of bed, let alone organise myself and go do 3 hours of driving in a day. I gave myself time. Everytime I looked at the clock another hour had gone and I still felt shit. This is absolutely the way it is. It can take me hours upon hours to move the needle from ...

 Somewhat useful today at work. Nothing groundbreaking. But. Useful enough. I have headache - yet again - that is possibly even a baby migraine. Same place. Same feel. Just not progressing. Yet. There may even be something of a link between them and working. Concentrating on the screen. Iffy eyes. Eh. Meh. Today I got to meet the young neighbours new dog. I had caught sight of them a few times with what looked like a small dog. And today whilst in the kitchen I saw them properly and so went out to be social. A pupper. 11 weeks old. Not quite old enough to go out yet - waiting for the parvo shots to properly kick in. A beautiful little lab / poodle cross. A lovely little thing. We had a chat for a while all about dogs and gardens and walks. It was nice. Dogs will do that. Break the social ice. Make strangers chat to each other. Just one of their amazing skills.  As I am - kinda - feeling a bit better of late. Better being very relative. I have decided to pencil in a visit down ...

 My sleep is somewhat normalised. Awake when it's light. Asleep when it's dark. Not sleeping 18 hours a day. So. Better ? Nausea seems to be a constant issue however. Not as bad as it was. But persistent. If I don't eat. If I do eat. With patches in between where it's ok. It turns me "green". Robs me of motivation of everything except just feeling ill. Ho hum. Today I got in touch with my niece. I have meant to do so for weeks, but, being ill and everything else just gets in the way. Even when I am feeling a bit better - but not well - the effort to talk to someone is a lot. Because you know you are not at your best. You know that you will just blur. And want to curl up and not feel unwell. So. You wait. And a day never comes. Nevertheless today I reached out. I have a few things that maybe of use to her or her kids. Some spare computer hardware. It just goes to waste with me, I have many computers and tablets and laptops. So rather she gets to use them. I off...

 I have struggled today. Enough exhaustion to lay me out. Vague nausea. Unwell. Exhausted. All the recent hits. Lying in bed. My mood crashed hard. What is the point of any of this. Just end it. On a quiet Sunday. Just finish it. It will be days if not weeks before anyone notices. There will be no more daily struggle to get through a day without suffering terribly. No more scratching around trying to piece together some reason to keep going. Just peace. This is the first time I have wavered during the day. Not good. I have shaved my hair off today. Showered. Tried not to talk myself into insanity in the shower. Played a game for no other reason that distraction. And ended up back in bed. Tired. Zombified. Isolated. Hmm. Bad juju.

 I am trying hard at the moment to be "normal". Well. Whatever. At least. Some form of normal hours. Some form of not being a complete shit show. Yesterday I got up at a normal person time - somewhere in the 7ams. Managed to stay awake all day. And then went to bed at somewhere in the 10pms. This is like trying to squeeze a pig through the eye of a needle. Tiredness dogs my heels, I have punchy black eyes. But I have felt worse. Yesterday was plagued by not being able to sit or concentrate or do much at all for longer than 20 minutes. I have since learned that this is actually anxiety but in a form that I had never associated anxiety with. Whilst not pleasant, I will take that form of anxiety over the deep sense of dread, fear and inability to cope with fuck all that is my typical anxiety. Yesterday felt too long. Too much time. I am not used to being up for such long periods of time, I have become used to only seeing a fraction of a day. Seeing a whole day feels like I don...