Bork Slowly Borking

 Somewhat useful today at work. Nothing groundbreaking. But. Useful enough. I have headache - yet again - that is possibly even a baby migraine. Same place. Same feel. Just not progressing. Yet. There may even be something of a link between them and working. Concentrating on the screen. Iffy eyes. Eh. Meh. Today I got to meet the young neighbours new dog. I had caught sight of them a few times with what looked like a small dog. And today whilst in the kitchen I saw them properly and so went out to be social. A pupper. 11 weeks old. Not quite old enough to go out yet - waiting for the parvo shots to properly kick in. A beautiful little lab / poodle cross. A lovely little thing. We had a chat for a while all about dogs and gardens and walks. It was nice. Dogs will do that. Break the social ice. Make strangers chat to each other. Just one of their amazing skills.  As I am - kinda - feeling a bit better of late. Better being very relative. I have decided to pencil in a visit down ...

 My sleep is somewhat normalised. Awake when it's light. Asleep when it's dark. Not sleeping 18 hours a day. So. Better ? Nausea seems to be a constant issue however. Not as bad as it was. But persistent. If I don't eat. If I do eat. With patches in between where it's ok. It turns me "green". Robs me of motivation of everything except just feeling ill. Ho hum. Today I got in touch with my niece. I have meant to do so for weeks, but, being ill and everything else just gets in the way. Even when I am feeling a bit better - but not well - the effort to talk to someone is a lot. Because you know you are not at your best. You know that you will just blur. And want to curl up and not feel unwell. So. You wait. And a day never comes. Nevertheless today I reached out. I have a few things that maybe of use to her or her kids. Some spare computer hardware. It just goes to waste with me, I have many computers and tablets and laptops. So rather she gets to use them. I off...

 I have struggled today. Enough exhaustion to lay me out. Vague nausea. Unwell. Exhausted. All the recent hits. Lying in bed. My mood crashed hard. What is the point of any of this. Just end it. On a quiet Sunday. Just finish it. It will be days if not weeks before anyone notices. There will be no more daily struggle to get through a day without suffering terribly. No more scratching around trying to piece together some reason to keep going. Just peace. This is the first time I have wavered during the day. Not good. I have shaved my hair off today. Showered. Tried not to talk myself into insanity in the shower. Played a game for no other reason that distraction. And ended up back in bed. Tired. Zombified. Isolated. Hmm. Bad juju.

 I am trying hard at the moment to be "normal". Well. Whatever. At least. Some form of normal hours. Some form of not being a complete shit show. Yesterday I got up at a normal person time - somewhere in the 7ams. Managed to stay awake all day. And then went to bed at somewhere in the 10pms. This is like trying to squeeze a pig through the eye of a needle. Tiredness dogs my heels, I have punchy black eyes. But I have felt worse. Yesterday was plagued by not being able to sit or concentrate or do much at all for longer than 20 minutes. I have since learned that this is actually anxiety but in a form that I had never associated anxiety with. Whilst not pleasant, I will take that form of anxiety over the deep sense of dread, fear and inability to cope with fuck all that is my typical anxiety. Yesterday felt too long. Too much time. I am not used to being up for such long periods of time, I have become used to only seeing a fraction of a day. Seeing a whole day feels like I don...