Bork Slowly Borking

 Hmm. So the gaming today was good. Better than expected. Game was cool. It lasted 9 hours. Which was too long. I went wonky about 6 hours in. I can't say for sure what it was. Caffeine. Low sugar. CFS. FND. All of the above ? But it kicked in. The shakes. The room went woozy. My head fogged up. Nausea. Everything went jittery. And I could feel my body toying with pushing a big red button, kicking in the sweats and just going for a black out. I gritted my teeth. And it got worse. I decided I needed to do something. So I asked Sam for a slice of bread. I dont know. To calm the stomach. Counteract the bullshit. Low sugar ? Something. Who knows. Sams a good lad. Made me a sandwich, gave me a peanut bar. Ha. Some people are truly lovely and caring. Sam is one of the people I love. In that weird and funky way I now have.  It eased a bit. Enough for me to keep on keeping on. Despite the .. bullshit.. I was still happy to be there. even though at times, I just blitzed out a bit. Yeah...

 I seem to be bouncing between feeling like shit, and doing a bit better at the moment. Within a single day. Yesterday I went through 3 or so peaks and troughs. It's quite stark. And quite weird. And seems better of an evening ( at the moment ) and worse in the day. My mind also skittered a few different "mad" directions as well. I can hardly put  my finger on it now. But one of them was the very real feeling of everything kind of connected - not in a happy clappy warm, we're all one kinda way, this was just a cold, nihilistic, all the same revolving material - nothing really mattering, and being trapped in a repeating decaying pattern with life being a pasted on shared delusion of sorts. It wasn't an idle thought experiment. It was a bone deep in the moment thing. And I could feel my head being... yeahhh....a little.. or more than a little... unhinged. It passed. But hmmm. Friday as it turned out was listen to peoples problems day. I ended up spending more than 4...

 Feeling kinda better all round. But tired as hell. Fatigue kicking in. Can't be arsed with work. I've definitely lost my mojo for it. Achieved a fair bit this week one way or another with work, but eh, yeah, my mind is elsewhere, and work has become a chore. I don't feel part of it. I've got a meeting scheduled with Andy next week to talk about strategic stuff. I have it in my mind to just level with him about the wrongs I think are going on. Some brutal truths. It will be pretty critical of him. He's a good guy in many ways. And in some ways, not so much. I am honestly not sure what the outcome of it all will be. I can imagine me just walking away at that point. It depends how he reacts. Perhaps unfairly, if he doesnt admit to the fairly obvious at this point shenanigans, I will just put that down as blatant disregard for the truth, and I think my mind will finally be very sure of just walking away. No qualms. Ok.  I suppose, as sometimes I do, I give people enoug...

 Bzzzzt. *signal* Bzzzt. Like a crackly radio with its tuning coming in and out of focus, that's been my state the last few days. Ok we can do some stuff followed by, mmmemeeehhhh. But. Better overall that I have been in the last few weeks. If you average it out. Squint. Ho hum. This weekend I have gone back to sleeping quite a bit. Flaked out mid afternoon on Friday. Slept. And on Saturday. And today, Sunday. Sleeping anything from a quick one - an hour - to an extended one - 3.5 hours. My life slips away in sleep. Could be worse. Headaches all day today, growling around the front of my head, sometimes really *weird* headaches, which, I'm hard pressed to explain. Sigh. Oh God. Been struggling to do "Nice Things". Work on some miniatures. Work on some art. Noodle around. Hard. Do it for a bit, get wiped out. Rinse and repeat. Feel.. a malaise creeping across a lot of what I am doing. I grit my teeth and do it. I have realised that the pattern often seems to be at the ...

 Still here. \o/ Bumpy. Difficult. Scraping the bottom at times. But I've started to surface again. Which is.. fairly remarkable. As the day has worn on today, I have inched better and better. Still not great. But eh. Workable. Sigh. Holy shit on a meta level am I sick of constantly fighting for my goddamn sanity / life / whatever. Does it get easier at some point ? Please tell me it gets easier ? *doubt* Took Athena to the vets today for her regular shot. The vet. Was. Not super cool. She was surprised there were no issues with Athena. Nothing else to report ? No worries ? Concerns ? No. She's good. She gave her a once over, nothing really to note, vet was surprised how much "go" she still had in her. Lively. Active. The problem was the tone. The constant implication was, well, we're surprised she hasn't clapped out yet. Yes. I get it. She's old. Can we please not fucking frame it that way and just be happy that she's healthy. I don't need fucking...

 Physically a bit better today. Not great. But alright. Mentally. A lot of numbness. A few points of normality. A lot of down. A few skates around and through properly crazy. I've started scratching at the borders of reality again. I can feel myself disassociating. My kitchen earlier felt so surreal. Like. Nothing was properly there. It was all an illusion. A fake. Some weird simulation that didn't quite work. It was obvious. So. Unreal. How. Do I escape ? Let me out. I am not enjoying it here anymore. I looked down the length of my house. So odd. So disconnected. A fake. A fake where all the people live. But I don't. Someone else would come live in this house. I would be out of phase, like a ghost. Weird thoughts and tangents spin off out of my head. Like walking behind stage at a theatre. I am trapped. I can't escape that physically I am limping along. And mentally already fucked, I am now double fucked. Everything just seems to be a stall for time. Why. Why. Why. I c...

 A bit better of a day today. Good enough to stay out of bed. But the shadow of unwell haunted me all day. I could feel it, loitering. So I took it super easy. By mid afternoon I ventured up to potter around. Pot some plants. Spray paint some more minis. I wiped out potting 5 plants. -_- Body ached like I had just done some intense gym session. Dizzy. Holy shit balls. So. Feeling a bit better. But it has cast a very long shadow over my mentals. I feel like I have sat down beside Death again. You have no future. Just a matter of time. All in all, a big step back. Some of Andys comments on Friday continue to annoy me. "We paid you as a contractor whilst you were ill, we didn't have to do that". Well. Bless your lovely heart. I think my longest stretch off was 3 days. I literally worked whilst I was dying. And Andy clipped my wages for one month. Couldn't afford it. For the record everyone working there gets no sick pay. Its all statutory. For an IT company. Thats pretty...

 A real bad day today. Briefly felt ok after getting up but it quickly went away. Tired. Ill. Nausea. Dizzy. All day. Basic tasks were difficult to impossible. I hung up the washing and that was it. Retreated to bed. It didn't shift. A malaise of unwell. Suffering. Oh no. The echoes of earlier in the year. Bad. Wasn't sure what to do with myself. How do I make this better. How does this go away. Eat light. Rest. Rest. Sleep. Find a position that doesn't make it worse. Weirdly my stomach felt like it had been punched. Ached. Had I been clenching ? I didn't think so.. odd. Slept again. And this time had a peaceful sleep. Properly restful. And felt a little better. A little raw. Just about competent. In the midst of feeling sick and shit and yada, I posted some pictures of the miniatures I had finished this week. I reflected that once again, created something, and no on knew just how much pain had gone into it. Ha. You can never tell from the outside eh ? I am nursing myse...

 Rough. Seems pretty inescapable that I've steadily got worse in the last week, and yesterday was bad. And this morning was terrible. Ho hum. A very clear up and down cycle then. Perhaps the stress from work has exacerbated matters. It certainly coincides with the whole work dissatisfaction. Or again, perhaps chicken and egg. Perhaps lowering health, more ill, pushes patience for work out of the window. Certainly possible. Dizzy, sick, feeling like I had been run over yesterday. I limped through work with a continual bad headache, did all my tasks, and then flaked out and went to bed at 4pm. I dozed in a malaise for an hour before some scammy phone call woke me up properly, and then I stayed up. Came up in the evening, all round improved, better. But then. On sleeping again. Yikes. Random pains through my body. Throat kept closing, hard to swallow. My head gently span on and off in bed. Really not a good sign. And the tinnitus screeched. Wherever I lay my body would ache. Ohhh. Thi...

 A bad day today. I wrote a wall of text here. And then deleted it. Mood flatlined. Work related and ill related I suspect. Proper hardcore depression territory. But slightly .. slightly.. better this evening. And we'll leave it at that. I read a thing recently. If in childhood you were made to feel worthless, then as an adult this is normal for you. No self worth. And any change to that feels weird if not outright wrong. Oh. Sure. That's what that is. Never good enough. School always told me that. Never good enough. Could do better. Doesn't apply himself. Eh. Fuck you. Fucking bullshit uninspired Victorian cant quite be arsed spoonfed learning. But sure. Don't look into that mirror. Just rate the students. When Offered Shit Pie The Student Refused. We Have Given The Student A Rating of Bad. Bad Student. Let Us Not Talk About Whether Shit Pies Are Good. At this point in life, with many decades of some hardcore learning behind me ( non school based ), I am pretty sure th...

 A week has blitzed by. My state is .. eh.. holding steady.. perhaps.. slightly declining. But I am fighting it tooth and nail. Not giving in. Dizziness. Prickles up my back like a thousand needles. A few waves of feeling ill. And a tinnitus stepped up in intensity. Meh. Out at the weekend for afternoon tea. In the morning I thought I was gonna have to call it off as I felt particularly unwell. But. Gritted my teeth. And leaned into it. Fuck it. If I am gonna pass out. I will do it whilst out. And I picked up. Albeit on getting up after tea the room span, my head was woozy and I had to take a second. It quietly grumbled in the background after that. Livable with. But not gone. Caroline checked on me in the charity shop. You're not going to pass out are you ? No I said cheerily. I'm ok. You'll know if I am if I hit the floor. Thumbs up. I had a nice day. Chatted with Caroline all afternoon. I have come to the conclusion she's very good for me. Things are better in her co...

 Tired today. I ended up having a nap late afternoon yesterday, then midday today. I'm ok, but definitely off the peak of feeling better. But not terrible. Tinnitus continues to have fun times. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Jesus. One of the things that really reminds me of this year, is that often now when I wake up, I am waking up from the depths of the ocean. Very *very* sluggish. And fuzzy. Head full of mud. And don't feel super good. It's very much tied in with the fatigue - I couldn't entirely tell you why, beyond there being a whole host of similar feelings and tugs, but at different intensity levels. Like many things with me, I am at a bit of loss as to why this is. Lack of oxygen ? Sleeping shit ? Who knows. It could also explain the blacked up eyes. But whatever it is, I am firmly off the medical industrys capability to deal with me. A big fat mystery that hand waves over oooh eee oooh ghosts in your blood, chronic fatigue syndrome, probably viral related. Pass me the...

Sunday late afternoon. A familiar fatigue tug started to pull on me. Woop woop. Slow down. I have been busy being.. busy. Visiting people. Popping out to pick things up for people. And haven't really paid the price. Until yesterday. Ish. So I slowed down. Tinnitus screeched up. A new industrial edge to its screeching, like metal being tortured. Oh good. A feeling of dizzy crept up on me. And tick by tock, my mood subdued. Today was a rough start, but I got over it. All in all I had a good weekend. A good few weeks. Today, I have wobbled. Tired. Black eyes. A weird stuffed ear that screeches and my balance is off. Perhaps this is part of my new normal - some kind of ear, head, thinger that comes and goes. I decided. To post a bunch of Ares pictures and videos. From everywhere I could find. Stick them on facebook so they would be somewhere else than a phone that suddenly went tits up. Turns out, I have an epic amount of them. Stretching far far back. I was not prepared for how sad it...

 Had a better than alright day yesterday. First Friday in.... forever.... that I haven't wiped out on and had to spend a portion of the day sleeping. And pootled around fairly contented. I think. I may have turned a corner healthwise. There is however a healthy amount of waiting for the other shoe to drop. This morning I took on a fairly physical task of finishing off construction of a chair. Which requires a good amount of physical wrangling. As of a month ago, such a thing would have been unthinkable. This morning I did it without too much struggle, did not wipe out, felt ok. I felt.. like I had some strength back. Like, the me I am used to once upon a long ago. Not this weird invalid me of this year and last year. It made me realise how long I haven't been that way. Still not overdoing it though. Ease back into things. Be sensible. Heed the advice of the medical people ! Ares has not left me. Not a day goes past that I don't think of him. I've also realised I can ver...