Bork Slowly Borking

 Bad night last night. Cough got real ugly. Woke me up, kept me up. Sigh. And following on its tail the rest of me collapsed. Left side of face tingles, spacing out, all energy draining out of me. Left side twitches ghosting back. Meh. Today I have limped through the day. Not feeling well. Not like a cold not feeling well. But that oh so familiar tug of exhaustion and general malaise. My plans have gone out of the window and I have lapsed in and out of bed. My mood has followed and I find myself drifting in grey, watching time tick by, mostly not aware of the clock roaring around, occasional dips into the black. I have been spacing in and out of time today. Little things make me throw far back in time, to other places, when the sky was just that colour. The smell on the air was just that smell. I get vivid flashbacks to people that are now dead, places that are now long gone. Times from my childhood. Nothing happy there. Just sadness. And an awareness of how much time and shit has ...

14 hours abed yesterday. 11 of them asleep. The other 3.. resting, watching tv. Feel better for it. Though I was coughing all the time. I was coughing in my sleep - a cough where you are still asleep but.. you are just aware enough you coughed. Eh. Went for a lovely walk with Athena yesterday. Not many people out on a weekday, so, limited doggo contact, but she met a few. Last one was a big boy, great dane. She wasn't sure about him. Just froze in a comical way. He was young, so, wasn't sure of her either. He galloped off and she chased him. We get fairly regular comments from people now remarking on her age. Oh. She's old. How old is she ? One lady with a friendly staffy on hearing her age said how well she was doing. Yeah. Very good.  Still. Despite that. Today we went out for another good walk. Not something I often do with her anymore - back to back big walks. On the way home, for the first time ever, I had to slow down for her. Like I used to with Ares. Had to slow my ...

 Inching towards being better each day. Super slow progress. And a cough that wont go away. Spoke to the GP today. She is indeed a lovely GP. Smart. Cares. Listens. Helpful. Honestly, she makes me feel better just talking to her. No surprise I guess, duh, you feel better when you're actually cared for ? We talked it through, gonna go back on some of my old stomach meds for a while, then step down and see how we do. A first step. She seems to think my digestion could be sensitive from the nutcase meds. Uh huh. I doubt it. But. Possible. And. Something I haven't tracked - when I take my meds, does it fuck with feeling sick ? Good question ! Also still got a peg in the ground to get ENT check me out further. Talked about possible reasons and yada. It was good. A plan. First step. Yada. Excellent. As she put it - a check in with how I was doing. By gosh. You remember. Or read your notes. Or both. Amazing. Work today has been satisfying. Fixing others .. rather nasty bugs in a live ...

Dreary day today. Chewed through work. Felt better than I have but pretty low energy and lacklustre. Worn out. I have slept on the chat with my friend. About the entire avoidance of any mention of last minute ditching of plans. Wall of silence. Meh. I am fine with it all. As in. It's not going to be a major derailing of my life. But. Lets process the emotions. One of my friends is currently seeing a therapist, and, as she's a typical locked down, high achieving, repressed emotions, never was allowed to not just grit your teeth and buckle down type of person, the therapist has pointed out she has great trouble in expressing emotion - until it's too late. Boom. So. Write down how you feel each day. Force yourself to understand where you are. It's good advice for those that are permanently wired to be the sacrificial achievers. And in her case absolutely crucial to getting a handle on why she's teetering on burnout. Sometimes it's good advice for anyone. Stop. Cons...

Today I am feeling a little better. Have been feeling very rough last few days. And yesterday was the trifecta. Feeling shit from a cold ( ? ), CFS kicking my ass, and.. woo... hardcore nausea turning me green. Amazing. I gritted my teeth through most of it. I am not exactly getting used to it. It's. Horrible as all fuck. But. I don't know. Just getting increasingly stubborn. Learning how to - sort of - operate whilst feeling horribly ill. Probably unwise. But eh. Sick of being.. sick. Silver lining. I think. I might have nailed down the nausea. I think. I can reproduce it at will. Or in other words. I have a better handle on "recreating this bug". It's digestive tract related. 90% sure. And the problem lies somewhere on the left hand side. Top of the digestive tract / stomach. Worst of it lasts for around 4 hours ish - depend what I've eaten. The trigger is tricky. Too much sugar - triggers, I think. But this is a threshold thing. Too much spice - triggers. C...

 Ill. No two ways about it. Not sure if it's a cold, or just the Ongoing Bullshit, but, meh. Symptoms are all over the shop which makes it hard to clock exactly what's going on - if it is a cold, it's a really weird one that has cold like symptoms appear, then completely disappear and shift into something else entirely. Then rinse and repeat. Mmmmm k. I honestly have no clue about my body anymore since last year. No basis for comparison, everything is just... a new fucking experience. Everything I thought I knew about how I react to stuff has been thrown out the window and replaced with... something else. I did a Covid test just on the offchance. Negative. So, just riding it out. It's beginning to dawn on me that perhaps this is what they talk about when people become "frail" after a serious illness, and from then on are always a bit iffy.. then get nailed by something else. I can. Kinda. See. What you mean. Took Athena for a lovely winters day walk today. Eve...

 Hot diggedy damn I do not feel good. Bone tired. Ears fading in and out with weird tinnitus drones. Blipping. Chest weirdness. Asthma that just comes out of nowhere. And a general feeling of blehhhhhhh. Dizzy, dizzy, spinny, dizzy. And a faint echo of nausea thinking about being a thing. Yikes. I have zero energy today. I dragged myself off to a chiro appointment. my first since November, but boy did I not feel like it. Like pulling cement bags. Serious effort. My brain is blipping around at times. Sometimes it's fine. Othertimes it's... uh.. uh.. uh... oh... oh... oh... no... no... no.... not.. not.. not... this... this.. this.. again... again... again. uhhhhhhhhhh.... white noise.... uhhhhhhh. Yeah. The re-re-re-repeating bit. And empty brain. And "display lag". Like running a high ping game. Jesus. *thumbs up* Looks like a spanner is working its way through the machinery again, clanging, crashing and fucking things up as it crunches through. So. I've slept. Go...

 Good nights sleep, followed by worst nights sleep. Both hands and arms buzzing with tingles and numb. Sandy eyes. Exhaustion. Mmm. Nice. So bad, that the tingles refused to give way. I couldn't feel my right hand at all. Despite flexing and shaking and waiting, it didn't alleviate. It was only when I got up, stood up, that slowly the tingles dissipated. Huh. Pfft. GP phoned me up today. Not the doctor. A nurse. You've reported a problem ? Yes. She listened. Oh I think you need to talk to a doctor she says. Sigh. We can fit you in next week. Ok. Glad to have had this pointless dance for another week of waiting. 2.5 weeks on from asking to see a doctor, I might get to see a doctor. I wonder if say, the work I do for the NHS was to go tits up, whether they would be happy with me telling them to arse off for 2.5 weeks. Then I might have your systems back up online. Somehow, I doubt they would be as sanguine. One rule for thee, and another for me. Anywho. I am not that bothered...

Had what feels like a decent nights sleep in....... foreverrrrrr. No blipping. Or chest pressure. Or tingles. Or weird shit. I think I was lying in a perfect way and then fell asleep like that and didn't move. Heh. Jesus.  Anywho. Somewhat invigorated today therefore. So I have been doing some chores - I have energy, wheee - and some work and yada. I also, rather hilariously, shut down the extraneous bits of the Company That Never Was for games development and tidied it up on google. Well. That lasted all of.. ooh.. 2 seconds. And then.... Created a new one ! Woo. I do so love noodling with domains. So I got myself another domain name. Eh. I have a whole suitcase full of domains at this point. Like my various internet identities, many and varied. Ha ha. This one I optimistically registered for the next 10 years. Yeah. A decade. That should do ? And I picked the name I originally liked but my friend didn't, because, I stupidly realised, wait, I can pick what the fuck I like now,...

 It is.. early. 1.35AM Been to bed, brain slowly going over future plans, current work, how I really could do with quitting out right, that it's less of a risk than I probably think it is and yada. I can feel that quitting needle edging away from minimal hours to just quit. Fuck it. I get up. Decide to check the bank balance. If Andy has stiffed me for money over the Xmas period, that's it. Done. Dusted. Fuck it. I figure it's a high probability he has stiffed me. Reflect that this is a bit of a spur of the moment reaction, but, eh, is it really ? Just more of a final straw, casus belli. Looking for the excuse to mount the war horse and trample all before me. He paid me in full. I am surprised. Apparently I will not be writing out a quitting email at 1.40AM. Stand down the red alert. Put the war horse back in its stable. On the other hand. Docks me for money for daring to take a week off after surgery. Pays me for not working a week over Christmas. It's the fear that di...

Monday. Huzzah. Ha ha. Meh. Feeling quite blehhh this morning. However. I've noticed something I think. So in the mornings I am getting this weird "zapping", pressure on chest, tingles in arms and hands, pull me out of sleep, really rather bad, kinda thing going on. I've been ignoring it and accepting it as another New Normal piece of Ongoing Bullshit. However. I've noticed it is significantly worse when I lie on my left hand side. Significantly. And. I don't think I properly sleep towards the end of it. I wake up super tired, huge bags under my eyes, look like absolute horror garbage. I'm wondering. If this is actually the return of the Ulcer. Which I've suspected for sometime, nausea et al, but maybe this is another facet of its return. When my ulcer was super bad, lying on my left hand side made the whole left hand side of my body fizz like someone had stuck mains electric line into you. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'd sleep on it. Wake up an hour lat...

 A good couple of days, been feeling better, weird chest pressure shit in the mornings, but, huh, uh huh, part of the Ongoing Bullshit, I'm just kinda.. ignoring various flashing lights as they flick on and off. Part of the new normal. But overall, good. Didn't do shit yesterday except stream and play games. Chill out. Probably no bad thing. Checked the butt situation yesterday. The hole.. is almost gone. More like a.. a.. shallow crater now. Ha. Pretty impressive though, surgery seems to have worked a treat. It has been quite the time since my ass has been normal. Huzzah. This coming week is going to be quite a busy one on top of the usual work malarkey. An Athena walk with a friend, GP appointment, another friend is gonna drop by and have a chat - he's feeling the crunch, and a tentative return to the chiropracter, which, whilst I've agreed to go back, I think I will do it for another month then be done. We've wandered off into quackery at this point I think and a...

 So, eh, yesterday after feeling slightly squiffy in the afternoon I had a "nap". Wasn't a good nap. I felt.. ill.. whilst napping, pulled me out of sleep and made me doze with a zapping dizzy head and weird compressions in my chest. Meh. So didn't get anything done yesterday. Well. I managed a partial hoover. Which. Is something. Then I played games all evening and felt not too bad. So. Ha. Still eating like a mouse. My calorie count per day is well under 1,000. Well. Under. I suspect I am doing well to hit 700. I should perhaps calculate it accurately, but I know roughly what it is. Easy enough when you are not eating ha ha. My nephew has cancelled the weekend - thrown his back out, the risks of his physical work. Probably for the best one way and another, I am only just starting to feel a little more human myself and am behind on shit. I thought about what I wrote the other day. About having issues with people not helping themselves and not fighting them about it. ...

Not too bad yesterday. My first day without feeling like absolute garbage. Huzzah. On the other hand, I have cut down my eating to minimal. Whilst I do get issues from not eating, I find, on balance, the not eating issues are way better than eating issues. Uh huh. Anywho, my missive was sent to the GP, and awaits their busy attention. We are busy doing emergency rollouts of vaccinations they say. It's going to take us longer ! Hmm. Surely for nurse type things ? But everything else ? The GPs do not administer injections. *scratches head* Anywho. It appears GP services have gone from bad to worse, or, non existent. Seems about right. Someone I chatted to a couple of days ago said they couldn't get an appointment at all - and they were in the midst of a full on mental health meltdown. Ho hum. My passing advice was to get a friend or an advocate to push for an emergency appointment. It very much sucks to be at that stage, but, there it is. Have nailed a bunch more work over the la...

 Meh. No sooner do I say I feel a little better yesterday than the wave of nausea hits, I feel like absolute garbage, and end up in bed all evening.  Faboo. Feeling fragile but better this morning - but how long it holds, meh. I have sent the GP a missive, see what they have to say. I am somewhat desperately experimenting of what to eat and when to eat, to see if that is a factor in triggering it. As a result. I'm not eating a whole lot. I suspect there will be some weight loss in my future ! Again. Ha. The Ill Diet. Lose weight whilst feeling shit ! Leave yourself with a good looking corpse ! Bleh. I am struggling to keep shit together at home, just, chore wise. House is going to shit whilst I feel so ill. Managing to nail my work, and that's about it. Need to get out and do some grocery shopping, but yikes, I am feeling so bad blipping throughout the day, I can't manage it at the moment. Ha. Oof. Meh. Eh well. I am sure it will all work out. Just a passing thing. Hopefull...

 A really challenging couple of days of being at times horrifically ill, with periods of somewhat better in between. It's fucking with my head. I am at points getting so ill - unable to think, stagger up the stairs to bed, just survival mode - that it's again making me worry I am not getting out of this alive. Ho hum. Thenakfully the nausea has subsided somewhat. Not entirely. But way less offensive. Overall I feel super fragile at my best, and a write off at worst. Mehhhhh. Eating does sometimes seem to be quite a trigger - I can feel like garbage after eating. I checked my blood sugar the other day in case some dreaded diabetic monster had finally decided to heave me to its bosom, but, my sugars read rock steady normal. Excellent in fact. No peaking. No troughing. Stable. Who knows what it is. CFS innit. Covid post damage innit. Uh huh. Super unsatisfying answer. Pfffft. Still. Today I have fared a little better. Little. Where you fear to make any kind of misstep that brings ...

 Well, today has been a pretty shit day. For starters I have spent a good deal of it feeling pretty damn ill. Nausea. Dizzy. Very sickly feeling. Bleh. I have bounced in and out of bed all day. An hour sleep here - improve slightly, get up, 30 minutes later, a deterioration. It has not been fun. I needed to do a couple of chores today, but have singularly failed to do so. Just not been well enough. Played some games, but, yikes, most of the time feeling green around the gills until I couldn't stand it any longer and tapped out each time. Second. On top of me feeling like utter shit. My friend popped up with a prepared statement. Said he was just going to act as an angel investor, not get involved, just invest in development, and see where things were in a year ( I swear the time frame slips further everytime, talk about cold feet ). Which in isolation is a good offer, although, not without some risks. But it's not in isolation. This is on the back of the whole sudden changing o...