Bork Slowly Borking

 An ok day yesterday. A few touches of feeling unwell. But, eh, still ok. Albeit not as ok as last week. I have a new theory. The reason I feel better with swimming is the temperature. It's cold. It's the snap of the cold that makes my internals change. I Thought of this yesterday when jumping into the pool and feeling a lot better, and then realising my shoulders were chilly. The water is cold. Which then reminded me of something I said to my brother. On a winters day walk along the coast, with wind and sea spray coming over it was face hurtingly cold. But not too extreme. And I felt a lot better out in the cold. Headache shifted, didn't feel so ill. My brother said it was the fresh air. When we finished our walk and went back to his house, within 10 minutes of warming up, I felt rough again. Cold. Links the two things. And I've noticed a reaction to cold before. A lot of things happen when you are subjected to a cold shock. Blood vessels constrict, heart rate rises, a...

 As it turned out, yesterday ended up busy. Hazel popped up in the afternoon asking if I was going swimming. Yes. Can I tag along ? Yes. So we did that, I didn't swim much as I kept Hazel company for the first time in the pool. Six lengths if that. Also an odd thing. Last Friday I did 925m and finished with a sub 30 second sprint. Yesterday I tried the same sprint, holy hell, super harder. 31 seconds. What the hell. How can I vary so hard within 3 days ? It really smells like the whole on / off - how well is my system doing at the moment thing. Anywho. Hazel spent a lot of time getting ready after swimming. Girls. Pfft. I don't mind. But I do find myself spending acres of time waiting for others at times. We were literally the last ones out of the changing rooms. Afterwards we took the mutts for a walk. Hazel struggled towards the end. A lot of excercise. I was however good. Rawr. The benefits of my swimming I think. Anywho by the time that was all done it was early evening. Go...

 Melancholy today. This last week has been peculiar. The internal waters are definitely on the move. Turmoil perhaps. Though you wouldn't know it from the outside. My mental landscape has been shifting around a lot. My mood has gone up, far up. Then half back down again today. Its made me question a lot of my long term assumptions. Made me think about how my illness is progressing. Better than I thought ? Not perhaps circling the drain. Light at the end of the tunnel ? But it has also made me aware of stuff I am lacking. Perhaps. Remove the ever present debilitating effects of illness, and your mind shifts to other perspectives. And question how much my mood has an effect on everything else. So. In a bit of a funny state. Not one thing. Or the other. I think I've realised something. I'm hugely more isolated than I thought. And it has an enormous impact on me. It is one I can deal with. And adapt to. And cope with. But I think it is tremendously detrimental to me. Somewhere ...

 A lot slower start yesterday, a deeper hole to climb out of, some creeping symptoms in the morning, wobbly legs, general feeling of meh. But it lifted. And I had a third good day. But the difference of morning to the rest of the day was notable. Fascinating. Again, just like a switch. On - weird symptoms, feel like shit, blah. Off - all good. So, feeling good yesterday, I started doing some hardcore tidying up. I looked critically at the front bedroom. Started making a list of things to do. Which ended up with me doing a run out to the dump to get rid of a bunch of crap. Come home, and do some more lower level dumping. Whoa. In the bigger picture this is a fairly pathetic level of Doing Shit. It's hardly on the scale of clearing a house for a whole day. It's a single run to the tip. And pottering around throwing other shit out for an hour. For me it's a huge step up. I have a bit of mojo rekindled in me. Which of course, as is the way, has a feedback effect. It make me fee...

 Two good days in a row. Shocking. Went for a swim yesterday. Did not flag. Did not tap out afterwards. Did 925m in probably half the time I did it a couple of weeks ago. I could have done more. A lot more. But the pool got busy. It was. Quite surprising. Stamina was way up. I when I did the whole sprint length thing, I could feel how strong my shoulders were. This is really somewhere I have not been in a longggggg time. I am used to flaking out, having butt kiss strength, and just having to coax myself along. Perhaps it was something to do with having a good day before ? Give me a run into things being somewhat normal.. and I get better ? I dunno. Could just be a coincidence. But for sure the swimming is doing good things for me. I went grocery shopping right after the swim. Which is testament to how much I was not flagging. It's starting to become clear to me just how far down the spiral I have been when I got ill. Not only was I super ill. I think I lost so much physical conditi...

 Could not sleep last night. Annoying. I also forgot to take my mental meds. Oops. I uh. May pay for that. Perhaps that didn't help the sleep situation. The main cause was a brain that would not switch off. The conversations of the day filled my head. My nephew, my brother, my friend, another friend. In the past heavy shit has not bothered me. I could walk ungrazed through a minefield. This is fine. I am not sure if it's me, even heavier subject matter, or just a growing weight of responsibility, but it seems these days I am not always unaffected. And often it's post event. Post conversation. It ticks over in my head. And I need to offload. Don't get me wrong. I don't regret doing what I do. And given a second chance at a situation, I'd do the same thing again. It's just that I am not as untouchable as I used to be. Situation dependent. Mmm. There's also a recurring theme cropping up slowly over the last few years. That for all my very clever thinking an...

 The week has gone. Whoosh. I had a revelation on Tuesday. Worked. Not so great. A bit stressy. A bit of a power through late in the day. By the end of the day I felt sick, ill, and had a headache turning the front of my head into mush. But I had missed swimming the day before. And I really wanted to go. I felt like shit. I dragged myself to go. Within 10 seconds of getting in the pool, oh. My. God. It felt sooooo good. Euphoric. I stopped feeling ill. My headache shifted. The nausea disappeared. And all the stress simply vanished. Honestly. It was a pretty awesome high. Wow. WHY HAVENT I DONE THIS BEFORE. IDIOT. Swim. After work. Oh my god. EVERYONE SHOULD BE DOING THIS. So I swam around a bit. Not a lot. Mostly just chilled in the pool. The sun was getting low in the sky, shining through the tall windows, and glittering across the surface of the pool. It was mesmerising. Beautiful. And I was free of illness. And headache. Perhaps it was an endorphin rush. In any case. It was fab....

 Nephew came up for a suprise visit today. Was that ok ? Say if not. Sure it's ok. But. Just dont expect the house to be anything but a bomb crater. Or me to not flake out. I didn't want him to waste his time or not enjoy himself. So I spent the morning trying to tidy a little. Did a bit. Felt ill. Rest. Did a bit. Felt ill. Rest. Repeat. Pop quiz. Why do somethings exhaust me really quickly and make me feel ill. And other things ( swimming ) not so much. I have no clue. Tidying up definitely makes me ache really badly in short order. Swimming does not. Odd. Is it some bullshit posture thing ? Weight ? Spinal ? Just Because ? No idea. I'm glad I've gone swimming though. It provides a counterpoint to being incapable, to being a little more capable. Saying that. Maybe it's a sustained effort thing. Zero stamina. Two lengths in a pool in a crawl without a pause is tiring. Four is tough. Intersperse it with some rest, or a slower stroke, and it's mostly ok. I dunno....

 Big oof. Perhaps it's just a coincidence, but after changing the timing of my mental meds I felt like utter absolute garbage. The morning was hideous. Leaden limbs. Super lethargy. A clouded grumbling frontal lobe. A soft migraine, just kicking the front of my head around. I stayed up for a little while. Then went back to bed. Got back up at midday. Still felt like garbage. I carefully did a once over. Leaden limbs. Literally. Like some weight in them all. Hard to get them to lift, do anything. They just want to stay in place. And "sleep". The rest of me is the same. Like some ugly half awake state that is screaming at you to return to sleep. I tried staying up. Gave up. Went back to bed. Again. 2pm. Got up. The lead in my limbs had eased off. A bit brighter in mind. I think. Finally. I had started to come out from under "the cloud". Mehhhhhhh. I'm not sure. Not sure if that is indeed changing the mental med time, and a way slower elimination overnight mean...

 More sleeping. A 4 hour nap this time. It has started me thinking. Took Athena out for an earlier walk today, hit up our current favourite place, water, trees, lots of people and doggos to interact with. She likes it there. When we are on our own she's considerably more subdued and sticks to me more. Don't get me wrong, she loves having a splash and an investigate, but yeah. She stumbles quite often. She's good. But getting really old. Bitter sweet. She can be so low key now. A couple of just about walking babies said hello to her. And she's very good with them. I found myself zoning out a little in a beautiful spot with water and shade, and thinking of terrible futures ( the slow death of everything ). Jeez. Even in the nicest of places. The shadows can find me. I snapped out of it. Stop it. Fuck face. And I did. But the shadows linger. Tainting everything with its chilly tendrils that dog my steps. The problem is, that they're not wrong. Not stupid. Not illogical...

 Napped today. Which turned into a 2.5 hour sleep. It's impossible to tell whether I am sleeping because I need it ( I am pretty much always tired ) or, it's the insidious meds that make you sleepy.  An alarm snapped me out of the "nap". Time for a swim. I didn't want to miss it. I thought very seriously about not bothering. The tug to just either go back to sleep or slowly wake up and not bother was incredibly strong. As is often the way with me, I gritted my teeth and out of sheer bloody mindedness shrugged it off and decided to go. It's quite fascinating the level of pull that is there. And the level of "not listening to yourself/believing yourself" is required to overcome it. I have very much learned to take every instinct, feeling and need I have with an enormous pinch of salt. It's not a sensible course. Because it's very debatable how much harm you're doing by ignoring the warning messages. It's not crying wolf so much as, can...

 Struggling everyday, but, just about, painstakingly, doing better. The nausea has subsided to just .. iffy feelings at some points during the day. And I am feeling less ill for it. Some days I have got up feeling like a truck has run over me, other days are better. I am listening very closely to the ups and downs and pings and dings that I am giving out. It's a kaleidoscope of minor and major alarms going off, very difficult to pick up a rhythm to it. I have taken to sleeping more again - afternoon naps. More often than not I am tapping out around 1pm and sleeping for.. 45 minutes.. an hour.. 2 hours. I think it helps a lot. Not so many months ago this was my daily routine. Hardcore nap middle of the day. I got past the need for that, but, eh, maybe not as well as I thought. Mmm. Interesting. Trying to eat better. And by that I mean, actually remembering to eat. But it's tricky. I am more and more beginning to suspect that the whole ADHD hyperfocus and just.. lost in space thi...

 Super lethargy today. Pinning me down. Drained of all capability. I super pushed myself to get up. Hang the washing up. Like walking through treacle. So hard. Not sure why. Heat ? CFS ? Depression ? Fucky gastro ? All of the above ? I am trying hard to find the spark that kickstarts me for... the evening ? afternoon ? Jesus, when did just being alive get so difficult. Flat as a pancake mood wise. White noise. Numb. Depression ? Sounds like depression. Eh meh, I've had worse. At least it's not suicidal. Ha. Today is a hard day. For sure. The old batteries are flickering on empty. Don't. Be a dick. To yourself. Rest. Do not berate yourself. Oh. Yeah. That. Ok. Having trouble thinking today too. Not consistently. Fits and starts. Sometimes stringing words together is tricky. Monosyllabic. Then I get a few sentences. Then back to duhhhhhhhhhhhh. Low energy perhaps. Well. Let's push. Go play a game. Chat to someone. See if either kills me or cures me. Ho ho. Post Edit : Lat...

 Yesterday was not a great day. I spent the majority of it feeling ill. That familiar nausea / tired / vaguely flu like kind of ill. And I couldn't go swimming. I dragged myself out feeling unwell, only to get there and find the pool was full. Shit. So I got lunch came home, felt generally ill all round. And the day passed in a haze of unwell and dozing. Ho hum. This morning I got up like the undead. A groaning gasp of ugggghhhhhh as I lifted myself up. Holy. Shit. Do I feel rough. Showered. Thought about returning to bed. Stayed up. Felt like shit. Got an invite for tea with a friend, yeah, lets do that. But I was flat. Miserable. Feeling ill. Lets hope going out makes me feel better. It did. Slowly I warmed up. Felt better. Hmmm. Is that it ? A bit of company ? A bit of a chat ? Remembering to eat something ? Is that the cure ? Or is it being out of the house ? Or is it none of the above, just the ebb and flow of bullshit. I don't know. I got asked today where I was relations...

 It's late. And I can't sleep. My brain refuses to let me sleep, caught up in spirals of thought and conversations. I've been talking to myself quite a bit again of late. It's not usually a good sign. I can get lost talking to myself. So deep. So involved. That I lose track of everything else. What I am doing. Time. My environment. There was a time I used to do this whilst walking the dogs late at night. Tromping around the woods at midnight talking to myself non stop unaware of my surroundings. Most often it made me feel worse by the end of it. A tightly spiralling conversation, pushing boundaries and thoughts, arguments and imaginary conversations. I learned to associate it with not being quite right in the head. It always foreshadowed my mood worsening and my mental health stuttering. Anyway. My brain refuses to let me sleep. A number of slow burning things taunting me. My health which wavers from one hour to the next. This evening, feeling a bit better, I decided to...

 Not a great day yesterday. Spent most of it in a veil of illness. Not super bad. Not great either. That whole bone deep CFS kinda exhaustion, a low level nausea, and a constant tug to go to sleep. I did force myself to do stuff. But it was forced. And I am not sure I was better for it. Sleep, nor eating, nor chilling made it shift. Fuck you buddy, just be ill. 6pm, still feeling it, but a half shade less. Decided to grit my teeth and... go make a cake. A lemon/lime/maple syrup drizzle cake. It's been in the back of my head to do for sometime. I wanted to make the most kick ass drizzle cake I could. Not look wise per se. Go with the default ( although I did spend some time thinking about how to do better ). But taste wise. Which fits in with sometimes how I cook. Sometimes I try to pack in the most explosive taste you can get - not via heat, just via.. umami. Turned out good. Probably 2/3 lemon, 1/3 lime. And some dashes of maple syrup. Not enough that you can clearly tell there wa...

 Today is ok. A smidge of nausea. A little off. But all in all, pretty good for the new normal. Every day is a fight. Make no mistake. Every day I have to claw a semblance of wellness and normality from the maw of a shit day. I can feel it right on the edge. Tired. Ill that comes and goes. I have to motivate myself, do things that mitigate it, and try and stay upbeat. It's hard. It's tiring. But at the moment I am winning with it. But it does take its toll day after day. Some days. You're beaten before you start. The energy runs out and you have to flop. Uh huh. This week I came off my mental meds for a few days. Didn't super really mean to. But also kinda did. This session of mental meds, which eh, I dunno, been on.. for 15 months at this point (?) .. have really super fucked with my libido. Perhaps it's because I am getting older and becoming less of a horny squirrel. Perhaps it's because ever since the Great Illness, the meds have.. changed... how they behave...